


Sowing The Seeds

by bellacatbee



Series: The Seeds of Love Verse [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bottom Castiel, Drunk Sex, F/F, Homophobia, Infidelity, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mpreg, Pregnant Sex, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-16
Updated: 2013-02-16
Packaged: 2017-11-29 11:40:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 48,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/686560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellacatbee/pseuds/bellacatbee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester is getting married. </p><p>He should be happy, but things are a little more complicated than that. For one thing he woke up in bed with his best friend Castiel the morning after he proposed, instead of in bed with Anna, his girlfriend. And for another, they didn't use protection. </p><p>Dean should be happy that he's getting married, but he's more excited about the life he can't have with Castiel and the baby Castiel is carrying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sowing The Seeds

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to my amazing beta Casness and my equally amazing artist silly_blue. It's been a complete pleasure working with both of you to complete this.
> 
> The title is taken from the Tears for Fears song of the same name. There is a line in the song, "Time to eat all your words//Swallow your pride//Open your eyes", which I felt summed up Dean in this story perfectly.
> 
> The following post contains NSFW art.

 

 

 

 

 

“ _Where am I?_ ”  
  
That was Dean’s first thought.  
  
“ _And who am I with?_ ” was the second one.    
  
He was aware of a warm, heavy weight lying pillowed up against him and equally aware that that weight was naked and, if the hard-on pressing against his leg was any indication, that weight was also a guy. This wasn’t all that strange. Dean had woken up naked with guys before after nights of drinking. Normally it was some hilarious prank and Gabriel was involved and after a couple of weeks he found he could laugh about it. A lot of his best stories involved getting drunk and naked.  He rolled over, ready to wake his bed mate up and get a couple of laughs out of the other’s unexpected morning wood and then find out where Gabriel had hidden his pants this time.  
  
That was his plan at least, but when Dean rolled over he found himself nose to nose with Castiel. His best friend slumbered on, his face softened in sleep and Dean swallowed hard. Waking up naked with Castiel wasn’t like waking up naked with any other guy. Dean wasn’t about to shake him awake and engage in some good natured humiliation. No, Dean was going to try and untangle himself without waking Castiel, find his clothes and sneak out like a guilty one-night stand.  
  
Cas was off-limits.  
  
Dean reached down to try and ease Castiel’s leg off his hip, trying to remember exactly what he’d done the night before instead of acknowledging that now his and Castiel’s cocks were brushing together and suddenly his own cock was wide awake and ready for use.  
  
He’d proposed to Anna. Dean remembered that. He could remember how nervous he’d been, how he’d had to talk his speech through to Sam about ten times before he was ready to go. He’d driven them out to a point overlooking the city, told her she looked beautiful and popped the question. Anna’s answer had been yes. They’d driven back into the city and gone their separate ways, Anna to tell her parents and her friends, Dean to Ellen’s bar where his friends were waiting to congratulate him. That part of the evening he remembered in vivid, butterflies in his stomach detail.  
  
Everyone had wanted to buy him a drink, Dean remembered that too. Then Jo had started pouring shots and everything got blurry. He didn’t know how he’d got from the bar to Castiel’s bed or where everyone else had gone, but he did remember Cas sitting alone in a booth while everyone else was up at the bar. He remembered Castiel’s sad smile when he told him he was getting married. He remembered snatches of other things – of words, hot and hurried and unhappy, and lips on his, the scratch of another man’s stubble on his chin. He remembered a hard, lithe body writhing under his own, opening to him far more easily than Dean had ever thought it would. He remembered Cas calling his name, clinging to him. He remembered coming inside his best friend with a grunt of triumph because Dean had been wanting to do that, to fuck Castiel, since they’d met and finally everything he’d ever wanted was happening.  
  
“Fuck, Cas,” he hissed, jerking away from Castiel.  
  
Castiel half opened one eye and reached for a pillow, pulling it into his arms to take Dean’s place. He shook his head stubbornly. “No, Dean. I’m too tired. We did that last night.”  
  
Dean stared at him open mouthed but even as he stared Castiel settled back to sleep, hugging the pillow tight to his chest.  Dean struggled out of the bed, kicking away the blankets that were suddenly tangled around his legs.  He half fell, half stumbled out of the bed and looked around desperately for his clothes. He grabbed the first set of boxer shorts, realizing with a little frown that they were Castiel’s but considering what they’d done the night before he wasn’t going to be picky about sharing underwear with the guy.  
  
He pulled them on, tugging harder than he expected because Cas’s boxers were a size smaller than his own, wherever those had disappeared to. Once he got back home, away from Cas and this mess then he’d change into a pair of his own boxers and throw Cas’s away. It wasn’t as if Cas would miss the miserable, non-descript grey boxers. He probably had hundreds of pairs just like them. Probably bought them in bulk. That was the sort of thing Cas would do. He wouldn’t wear his underwear expecting anyone else to ever see it.  
  
Next Dean found his jeans wedged half under the bed and retrieved them. He abandoned his socks to the floor of Castiel’s bedroom and just reached for his shoes – one of which he found lying under the jeans and the other one over by the bedroom door. His shirt was draped across the chest of drawers and his jacket was hanging on the edge of Castiel’s opened closet door, on top of Castiel’s battered old trench coat. Dean collected everything and dressed as quickly and quietly as he could.  
  
The last thing he wanted was for Cas to wake up and want to talk to him about last night. Or ask him why he was leaving.  
  
It was much better to just tiptoe out and let Castiel sleep on.  
  
They’d have to talk about it at some point but not until Dean had had time to think, to put his thoughts in order and work out what the fuck he’d been thinking the night before. How had he got from proposing to Anna to fucking Castiel? Yeah, there’d been alcohol involved but Dean didn’t think his sexual orientation switched just because he’d had a couple of beers. He’d got drunk with Cas before and managed to avoid falling into bed with him. Anna and Castiel were completely different people – they might have had wide, bright eyes and shared the same aurora of quiet calm and they both marched to the beat of their own drum, not tied down to anyone’s opinion of them but those things were superficial similarities when Dean considered all the ways they weren’t similar.  
  
Not that he spent a lot of his time cataloguing the differences between his girlfriend and his best friend. Their differences were plain to see. Anna was artistic and vibrant, Castiel was nerdy and reclusive. Anna was a painter, Castiel worked for a firm of accountants. And physically Cas was a guy and Anna was a girl. That was a serious big difference right there. And Dean was attracted to girls.  
  
Only last night he’d slept with Cas.  
  
Dean shook his head, forcing himself to stop thinking for one moment and actually enact his escape before Castiel woke up and found him pondering on his bedroom floor, three steps away from the door and freedom.  
  
Dean glanced back quickly, just to make sure Castiel was still asleep and swallowed hard. Cas looked a lot softer when he was asleep and a lot younger too, the lines around his eyes softened. If it weren’t for the five o’clock shadow creeping over his jaw, he’d have looked almost like he did when Dean first met him. That had been years ago though. Years in which Dean had never fucked his best friend so what about Castiel last night had made him so damn special, Dean couldn’t say.  
  
He turned away, quietly turning the door handle and stepping out into the hallway. He shut the door quickly behind him and cursed Castiel for having wooden flooring in his apartment. With every step Dean expected a creak but it never came. As he moved down the hallway that separated Castiel’s bedroom from the rest of the apartment Dean realized he could hearing snoring. He pressed himself against the wall and peered into the kitchen/living room that made up the biggest part of the apartment.  
  
Apparently any plans he had of keeping this a secret were well and truly busted.  
  
Not only had he come home with Castiel but apparently so had most of their friends.  
  
Castiel’s brother, Gabriel was sprawled in an easy chair, snoring loudly. His own brother Sam was slumped over the couch and missing one shoe. Garth was curled up with his thumb in his mouth, taking up the few inches of couch space not completely occupied by Sam. Ash was asleep on the floor. Chuck was face-down on the kitchen floor, hugging his coat over him as a makeshift blanket. Dean was glad Jo hadn’t followed them home from the bar as well.  She was tight with Anna and better at holding her liquor than most of their friends. She’d have noticed Dean crashed in Castiel’s bedroom instead of with them. Dean tried his best to piece together the puzzled bits of his memory. Would the others know? He couldn’t remember if he and Cas had broken away from the pack or if they’d still been with their friends when they’d started whatever it was they’d started.  
  
Dean swallowed, inching past the group, hugging the wall as he made for the door.  
  
They would have had to be alone, he told himself, otherwise someone would have stopped them. Sam would have said something. Sam was sensible and Sam didn’t drink as much as everyone else did. Sam wouldn’t let Dean fuck up the best day of his life by sleeping with his best friend. Which meant the reason they were all crashed out here probably had more to do with the fact that Castiel’s apartment was the closest to Ellen’s bar, and that Gabriel had a spare set of keys to all of his siblings places, rather than because they’d followed Dean and Castiel by choice.  
  
If he was lucky, and Dean seriously hoped he was, then he’d make it out and no one would remember a damn thing about the night before except for the bits they were supposed to remember – the part where he and Anna got engaged.  
  
Dean wasn’t throwing away his relationship with her because on an ill-timed, unplanned, unexpected fuck with Castiel.  
  
Garth mumbled something in his sleep and Dean decided to skip espionage sneaking around and instead ran for the door, jumping over Ash on the way. He reached the front door, yanked it open and then let it fall shut behind him. He brushed his fingers over the bulge in his jacket pocket, checking his baby’s keys were still where he’d left them and then he was running down the stairs and out onto the street, blending in with the crowd and making his way back towards Ellen’s to pick up his car and pretend he’d had a good eight hours sleep in his own bed.  
  
  
**  
  
Castiel awoke with a start.  
  
He stared over at the empty side of the bed and sighed.  
  
He hadn’t expected different but he’d still hoped. That was the problem with love. It caused you to see even hopeless situations with a silver lining.  
  
Last night had been both the worst and the best night of his life. He’d told Dean everything. A little too late but he’d still said the words. He’d told Dean he loved him.  
  
His back ached. Everywhere ached. He felt unpleasantly sore.  
  
Dean had been drunk. Castiel shouldn’t have said anything but two or three of Jo’s shots had loosened his tongue enough to give him to courage to confess.  Dean had kissed him first. He’d kissed him till Castiel stopped talking and then they’d stumbled into a cab and into bed and Dean hadn’t been gentle, he’d fumbled and fucked Castiel like he’d never been with another guy before. Too little lube, not enough stretching and even then Castiel hadn’t cared. Maybe Dean hadn’t ever been with a guy. Still, Castiel had relished the feeling of Dean inside him, filling him, stretching him wide and driving in deep.  
  
Then Dean had left.  
  
Whatever they’d shared it wasn’t love on Dean’s part, Castiel was certain on that.  
  
He wouldn’t have run off if he thought he’d made the right choice the night before.  
  
Castiel pulled the pillow over his head and willed himself to stop loving Dean.  
  
“Let this be the end of it,” he said out loud, muffled into the pillow. “I don’t love Dean anymore. I don’t love Dean anymore.”  
  
The words were meaningless. He did love Dean still. He couldn’t just turn off his feelings and make them go away but he could stop hoping that Dean was going to look around one day and realize that he was in love with Castiel. Dean had already made his choice and he’d chosen Anna. Nothing Castel had said or done had changed his mind. Last night had been a mistake.  
  
Castiel threw the pillow away and sat up.  
  
He’d talk to Dean, tell him he realized that sleeping together was just a stupid drunken mistake and that he’d keep quiet about it. There was no point in wrecking Dean’s happiness over what amounted to pure spite. If he told Anna, it wouldn’t make Dean love him. The best thing Castiel could do was just accept that Anna made Dean happy and try to take comfort in that. They could still be friends. Castiel could deal with just being friends with Dean. He’d been living with just being friends with Dean since the moment he realized he was in love with Dean. He’d learned a long time ago that Dean’s friendship was better than not having Dean at all.  
  
They’d talk. Things would be awkward for a little while and then slowly they’d go back to normal.  
  
But first Castiel would take a shower and wash his sheets. He couldn’t tell himself that he’d be fine pretending this night never happened when he still had Dean’s come inside him or Dean’s scent on his sheets. He had to wash away every trace of Dean and start anew.  
  
He’d force himself to fall out of love with Dean. He had to.  
  
It was the only chance he had to be really happy. He had to accept Dean’s friendship and find someone else. Everything about the night before had to be forgotten. It was the only way forward.  
  
**  
  
The front door banged open. Dean groaned and poured himself another cup of coffee. He’d got home an hour before, which was plenty of time to grab a shower, get dressed and mess up his bed to provide proof that he’d been home last night. Then he’d gone down to the kitchen and tried to get rid of the killer-hang over that was pounding in his head. Two cups of coffee, two drugstore brand painkillers and a greasy bacon breakfast later, the pounding was still there as was the swirling mess of guilt clogging up his gut.  
  
Sam stumbled into the kitchen, bypassing Dean completely and heading for the sink. He fumbled with the cabinet above it, finally grabbing a glass. Turning on the tap, he half filled it with water and then swallowed it down in three quick gulps. He filled the glass again, turned the tap off and turned to face Dean.  
  
“Where did you get to last night?” he asked. “I didn’t see you leave.”  
  
“Where do you think I went?” Dean growled, not in the mood for twenty questions, especially if Sam was fishing for an answer he already knew. “I was here.”  
  
“Huh?” Sam looked surprised. “Well, you missed a great time. After you left Gabriel bought everyone a round of cocktails - his own invention. Ellen even let him behind the bar to make them. I don’t know what he put in them but most of the evening after that is a blur. I remember dancing, then we went to this Greek place Gabriel knows and they fixed us this great meal. We need to go back there when I’m sober. I had the best salad but it really didn’t mix with that cocktail of Gabriel’s. We ended up crashing at Cas’s place.” Sam’s smile, which had already been tugging at his lips as he remembered the night before, grew wide. “You weren’t the only one who had something to celebrate last night. Cas hooked up with a guy! It was kind of embarrassing really. We could hear them through the wall. I thought Gabriel was going to throw up.”  
  
  
“Shut up, Sam! I don’t want to hear about it,” Dean snapped.  
  
Sam frowned, setting his glass down on the side. “Look, I know you’re not completely comfortable with the fact that Cas is gay but I thought you’d be pleased he met someone. You’re the one who’s always saying that he needs to get out.”  
  
“I don’t want to hear about it, Sam,” Dean bit out. He didn’t want to know that his little brother and all his friends had overheard him and Castiel and their drunken mistake. At least Sam hadn’t been able to identify the guy Castiel had been with; just that he’d been with someone. Dean doubted his brother would be so gleeful about telling him that Cas had hooked up if he knew it had been Dean in the bedroom banging him.  
  
  
Sam fixed him with a disappointed look and then shook his head, going back to sipping his water.  
  
Dean groaned, burying his head in his hands and slumping across the table. Sam was wrong. Sometimes he wished Sam would just come out and call him homophobic. He wasn’t homophobic. If he was, he wouldn’t be friends with Castiel in the first place. The whole situation wasn’t as easy as Sam made it out to be. Right now, Dean didn’t want to hear about Castiel’s sex life because he was Cas’s sex life. Before that Cas had dated the wrong guys, the bad guys, the type who’d mess Cas around and break his heart and Dean was sadly now part of that line because what he’d done last night wasn’t right no matter how he looked at it. Dean was always saying that Castiel should get out and meet people but he meant the right people, people that Dean liked. It was too easy to hurt Castiel. He’d always been too forgiving, too willing to give people who didn’t deserve it a second chance. He had too much heart. That had always been Castiel’s problem.  
  
His cell phone rang. Dean groaned again and fished it out of his pocket. The screen showed Castiel’s name and number. Dean had known he couldn’t hide from this phone call forever. He’d hoped he’d be able to be the one to call first but since he’d been putting it off and putting it off, the ball was in Castiel’s court and he’d made the first move. Or something like that. Dean was mixing metaphors and the pounding in his head was getting worse.  
  
He pushed himself up, showed Sam his still ringing phone and flashed his brother a smile. “Cas calling. I bet I’m gonna hear all about that guy from last night now.”  
  
He pushed past Sam, out the kitchen backdoor and into the yard. It was mid-morning, peaceful and sunny. Dean held the phone up to his ear and pressed a button. “Hey, Cas, I thought I’d hearing from you.”  
  
“We need to talk,” Castiel said after a pause. His voice sounded tiny and far off.  
  
“I know. Look, Cas, I was gonna call you. I think we need to meet somewhere, work this out.”  
  
“Yes, I agree,” Castiel said. Dean wondered if the strange tone of distance had something to do with the phones they were on, if he was in an area with bad reception or if Castiel was already drawing away from him and he could hear it in his voice.  
  
“I thought maybe we could go to this diner I know, I’ll treat you to lunch. Burgers, my treat?” he pleaded. They were Cas’s favorite food but something he only treated himself to occasionally. Dean felt the least he could do was buy Castiel lunch after the night before.  
  
“I don’t want anything to eat, Dean, but I’ll meet you there.”  
  
“Yeah,” Dean agreed. It was all he could expect, really. Castiel ate like a bird but he could normally be persuaded by the smell of greasy fat and double cooked fries. Obviously the thought of meeting with Dean, having to talk through what they’d done the night before, made Castiel feel sick. Knowing Dean’s luck Castiel would come to associate that sick feeling with Dean in general and they’d drift apart quickly and quietly because it wasn’t like Dean could take back what had happened.  
  
“I’ll see you there at 12 then?” he offered. “We’ll probably get there before the rush and we can grab a corner booth or something?”  
  
“Fine,” Castiel agreed. There was a click on the other end of the line and then static. Castiel had hung up on him. That wasn’t unusual either. Castiel acted like words actually cost him money and he was on the economy plan and couldn’t spare any more than was necessary. Castiel would never use two dollar words when another would do in its place. It made him sound rude to people who didn’t know him but Dean did know him. He knew Castiel just didn’t have the hang of small talk. Even knowing that, it still hurt when Castiel hung up on him. The words they were sharing weren’t exactly small talk; they were pretty damn important talk.    
  
Castiel held the future of Dean’s relationship with Anna in his hands. He also held Dean’s reputation in them as well. Dean was straight. He was comfortably straight. Happily straight. Castiel could make it so people sniggered behind their hands around him and made off-color jokes about keeping their asses to the wall when Dean walked by.  
  
As Dean slipped his phone into his pocket and stumbled back towards the kitchen door, he wondered if it was Anna he was more worried about or what people thought about him.  
  
While he was outside Sam had gotten the blender going and made himself some noxious hangover cure full of vitamins and minerals and nasty, tart fruit without any sugar added. It made a horrible green, sludgy mix and Sam was chugging it down as if it was heaven sent.  
  
“That’s disgusting,” Dean said but his heart wasn’t really in it. He was thinking about Cas and the abrupt end of their phone call. It felt like an omen.  
  
“Do you want some? It’s got Omega 3 fish oils in it,” Sam offered, holding the glass out. Dean shook his head and pushed the glass away gingerly, worried that the green slime might become sentient and attack him.  
  
“Nah, it’s cool. I’m meeting Cas for lunch, I should save my appetite,” he said, patting himself on the stomach. Sam rolled his eyes.  
  
“At least try to eat a vegetable.”  
  
“Do fries count?”  
  
“No, Dean, you know fries don’t count.”  
  
The argument was an old one. They’d had it and various other arguments like it since before Dean could really remember. Sam nagging him to eat healthily and Dean steadily ignoring him had been a fixture of his life and while on some days Dean thought he’d go crazy if he heard one of Sam’s health lectures again, today it was soothing. Sam was an island of normality in a sea of complete chaos and Dean latched on to him, glad to be doing something he didn’t need to think about. They both knew their lines by heart now and Dean was happy to switch off and enjoy the bickering. It was a change from worrying about Castiel.  
  
**  
  
Dean was nervous. He knew he was nervous because he’d managed to get to the diner a half-an-hour before he was supposed to meet Castiel. He’d bagged them a corner booth, just like he’d said he would and ordered himself a cup of coffee. He wasn’t feeling too hungry himself. He’d looked over the menu, felt sick when he thought about all the hot, ground up beef and flicked to the small side options. Onion rings and a wedge of lettuce smothered in blue cheese and bacon counted as healthy, veggie options in Dean’s book. When the waitress came around to the table to refill his cup Dean ordered them and a cheese burger with fries for Cas. Even if Castiel had said he didn’t want to eat, Dean still felt he had to get him something. He was apologizing, grovelling and trying to save his friendship all in one brief lunch so the least he could do was try to butter Cas up with his favorite food.  
  
The waitress was a pretty young girl. A little too young for Dean’s tastes. She had blonde hair in pig-tails and a perky little bounce in her step. Her smiles were genuine and bright. He would have guessed she was about nineteen and this was just a part-time thing for her. She certainly didn’t have the look of a waitress who worked day-in, day-out shifts. Her name tag said “Ellie”. Even though she wasn’t his type and he was a soon to be married man, Dean dug down deep inside himself and gave her his most charming smile.  
  
“This sure is a nice cup of coffee,” he said, raising his cup to her. “I don’t even need sugar for it after seeing your smile.”  
  
It was a corny line and one that didn’t stand up to inspection but Ellie blushed and giggled. She poured a little more coffee into his cup, filling it to almost the brim before she turned with a little wiggle and walked away. Dean watched her go, feeling a little more sure of himself. He could still get pretty young waitresses to flirt with him. He hadn’t suddenly lost his tricks just because he’d stuck his dick in a guy by mistake. His flirting skills were still razor sharp and if he’d wanted it, he could have had Ellie’s number. He was certain of it.  
  
He was still staring absently after Ellie, watching her walk around and bend across the tables to fill up cups when Castiel sat down angrily on the leather seat across from him. Dean shook his head, sitting up straight. He hadn’t even noticed Cas coming in. He’d been a bit distracted.  Dean guessed from the anger practically rolling off Castiel in waves that Castiel had noticed where his attention had been drawn.  
  
Dean fought down the urge to apologize because he had nothing to be sorry about. Castiel wasn’t his boyfriend. If it had been Anna glaring at him across the table top because he’d been caught checking out girls, Dean would say sorry but it was a matter of principle when it came to Cas so he grabbed the menu instead and pointed to the picture of the burger he’d ordered for Castiel.  
  
“Look, I know you said you didn’t want to eat but I thought you might have changed you mind and I did promise you lunch. I got you a cheese burger.”  
  
Castiel shook his head slowly. “I thought we were here to talk,” he said.  
  
“We are, we are,” Dean reassured him. “I want us to still be friends, Cas. Friends eat lunch together.”  
  
“I’d like us to remain friends too,” Castiel said awkwardly.  
  
Dean nodded, leaning back in the booth. At least they were both on the same page about that. Now they just had to iron out all the little wrinkles that last night had thrown up. The diner was still relatively empty. No one was sitting in the next booth over so Dean felt he could afford to just tell Cas what was on his mind and not have to worry too much about anyone overhearing them.  
  
“I…uh…I don’t remember too much of last night so just feel free to jump in anywhere but I get that we slept together,” he said.  
  
Castiel nodded, his face expressionless.  
  
Dean opened his mouth to make some sort of joke about it, to ask Castiel how he did and if Cas would recommend him to his other friends, but he had the feeling that joke wouldn’t go down to well so he swallowed his words. Silence hung between them, uncomfortable and growing larger by the second. Dean thought if he didn’t say something, the silence would swallow them both whole and it would be impossible to get back from. A future of painful, impossible silences stretched out in front of them and Dean didn’t want that.  
  
“It was a mistake,” he blurted out.  
  
There was a flicker of pain across Castiel’s face, his eyes softened and sad for a moment and then he nodded again.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
Dean felt like the world’s biggest jerk but he pushed on. Best to get everything out and aired in one go rather than let it linger. Dean could be a bastard, say the hard things that had to be said and then it would all be done with.  
  
“Look, don’t take this the wrong way, Cas, but I don’t know what I was thinking. I love Anna. I’m gonna get married to Anna. Whatever happened last night, whatever I did, it wasn’t me. I’m sorry. I don’t want Anna to ever find out. She’d kill me.”  
  
“I’m not about to tell Anna,” Castiel said quietly. “I don’t want to do anything to hurt you.” He fixed Dean with a steady, angry look. “Why do you think I do?”  
  
Dean gaped at him. He reached desperately for some answer but all that came to him was Castiel’s voice, breathless and needy, whispering “ _I love you_ ” over and over again. It was just his voice that Dean remembered, he didn’t even know if the memory was real or not. He stared at Castiel, not ready to believe himself because that thought was too painful. Castiel was his friend. He wasn’t supposed to be secretly in love with him. Dean couldn’t force himself to switch teams just to make Castiel happy.  
  
“I don’t know,” he said eventually. He couldn’t ask Castiel if he was in love with him. Dean didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to be responsible for breaking Castiel’s heart. He felt like enough of a bastard as it was.  
  
Castiel continued to stare at him. Dean shifted uncomfortably. Castiel had never gotten the unspoken social code that would have told him not to stare at people. It was bad enough on a normal day but now Dean felt like Castiel was trying to look into his soul, to see whatever secrets he was keeping back.    
  
Dan was thankful when Ellie appeared with their plates in hand. The distraction was just what he wanted. He flashed Ellie another charming smile and she giggled as she placed down his salad swimming in blue cheese and bacon and the side of onion rings he’d ordered earlier.  
  
“Eating light, I see,” she commented and Dean shrugged, grinning.  
  
She set the cheeseburger and fries down before Cas and winked at him. “You must have done something to work up an appetite.”  
  
The atmosphere around the table dropped a few degrees. Castiel fixed her with his cold, sullen stare. It told her in no uncertain terms that Castiel wasn’t in the mood for flirting or any light-hearted banter. Ellie, her cheerful expression faltering, probably seeing her tip disappearing right before her eyes, mumbled something about getting the orders for the other tables and dashed off. Dean sighed.  
  
“Why’d you have to be like that? She was nice.”  
  
“I thought you loved Anna,” Castiel said, his attention snapping back to Dean.  
  
“I do! I still have eyes. I can see she’s pretty!”  
  
“Anna wouldn’t like it,” Castiel said. He picked up one of his fries, studied it for a moment then put it in his mouth. He chewed it with a disinterested look on his face and then swallowed. “These fries are damp. I think they’ve been sat under a heat lamp.”  
  
“So complain,” Dean said, grabbing hold of his fork and stabbing at the lettuce wedge. Now the food was here and he could smell Castiel’s burger he was regretting his own order. “Besides, Anna isn’t here.”  
  
“And what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her?” Castiel was looking at him with one eyebrow raised.  
  
Dean nodded, shoving a mouthful of lettuce into his mouth. “Yeah, what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her.”  
  
“Like me?”  
  
“Like you. Now will you shut up and eat your burger before I snatch it off your plate.”  
  
Castiel pushed the plate towards him. There was the merest hint of a smile on his lips. Dean paused for a second then put his fork down. He reached forward with both hands, picked up the burger and took a bite. It was everything he’d hoped it would be – greasy, juice and delicious with a smear of ketchup to add a bit of sweetness to a properly grilled burger. Their fries might not be anything to write home about but the burger was something else. Dean was petty certain he was moaning but he didn’t care.  
  
He swallowed his bite, washed it down with a swig from his cup of coffee, pulled a face and decided to order a beer when Ellie came back past their table.  
  
“Honestly, Cas, you need to try one of these.”  
  
“Maybe,” Castile sounded unconvinced.  
  
“At least eat an onion ring. You look like you’re about to bolt,” Dean said around another bite of burger. He swallowed quickly, his mouth dry. Maybe Castiel was about to bolt? They’d said everything they needed to say to each other, although Dean didn’t feel like they’d cleared the air.  He felt like there was something neither of them was willing to say. Castiel shot him a guilty glance and Dean realized sadly that dashing off had been Castiel’s plan. “Take off your coat, relax and order another burger.”  
  
Castiel rose to his feet slowly. For a second Dean thought he was going to walk out but then Castiel shrugged off his coat. Castiel folded it carefully and set it down on the seat before settling down next to it. Dean didn’t know what he would have done if Castiel had walked out. He just knew that he didn’t want Castiel to leave yet, not when everything was so far from normal between them.  
  
“So we’re cool?” Dean asked, plastering a fake-smile to his face.  
  
Castiel hesitated and then nodded. “Yes, we’re….um, cool.”  
  
**  
  
Castiel shut his front door behind him and leant heavily against it. A second later he straightened up, aware he was not alone. He had heard a sound.  
  
“Who’s there?” he called, taking a cautious step forward. He pulled his phone out of his coat pocket, ready to dial 911 if he needed to. Castiel was confident that if he faced down an unarmed attacker, he’d come out on top. He might not look very threatening but Castiel went to self-defense classes every Thursday at the gym. An armed attacker was a different matter however and whoever was sneaking around his apartment, armed or not, Castiel wasn’t about to face them alone when there were people trained to handle just this sort of situation.  
  
“I’m calling the cops,” he called again, hearing more shuffling coming from his bedroom.  There wasn’t anything of particular value in there. Castiel didn’t own a TV. His computer that he used for work was in the living room area of his living room/kitchen. He didn’t have any watches or jewelry that would be worth stealing. His cell phone, which he always had on him, was an old model that didn’t even have a retro charm that might make it appealing to a thief with a taste for the iconic. Castiel didn’t even keep money around. He paid for everything by check or credit card. There was nothing worth stealing. Someone had invaded his home, his privacy, for absolutely nothing. All Castiel had wanted was to come home, curl up and lick his wounds. The last thing he wanted was to have his home, somewhere that should have been safe, invaded and violated.  
  
Enraged, Castiel set his phone down on his desk and picked up the table lamp instead. It was only a little thing. He used it to give him a bit of extra light when he was working late on his computer but it was heavy and it would deliver a hefty blow to anyone stupid enough to get in the way of it. Castiel had had enough. He yanked the plug free and wrapped the cord around his wrist. Lamp in hand, Castiel made his way hurriedly through the living room and down the corridor towards his bedroom. He didn’t call out this time. He’d given whoever was in his apartment more than enough warning. Running on adrenaline now, Castiel reached the door to his bedroom. He pushed it open, raising the lamp high, ready to bring it down on the head of his thief and then stopped.  
  
Gabriel, dressed in Castiel’s bathrobe, his hair still damp, was going through Castiel’s drawers, throwing things on the floor as he searched.   
  
Castiel stood in the doorway, feeling awkward and wondering when Gabriel had let himself back in and why his brother couldn’t do the decent thing like tell Castiel he was in the house instead of letting Castiel expect the worst. Not that Gabriel was really much better than a thief but he was family, and so when he took things with no intention of giving them back then it wasn’t stealing but being brotherly.  
  
Gabriel glanced over his shoulder then and jumped, turning around fully. His eyes were wide, his jaw slack, his wet hair sticking up in all directions and Castiel fought the urge to laugh at his brother because he was angry with Gabriel and the moment he gave in and laughed at him then it would be impossible to maintain the valid level of anger he had.  
  
“Castiel? What are you doing? You could have killed me if you’d hit me with that lamp!” Gabriel said, placing his hands on his hips.  
  
Guilty, Castiel lowered his arm. “I thought you were a burglar.”  
  
“I’d be a pretty piss-poor burglar if I tried to rob this place. You haven’t got anything worth taking.”  
  
Even though Castiel had thought the same thing, he didn’t like Gabriel pointing it out. He unwound the lamp flex from about his wrist and set the lamp down carefully on his bedside table on top of a pile of books he kept there. He was half way through most of them. Insomnia kept him awake most nights so Castiel usually got through a chapter or three every night.  
  
“Gabriel, what are you doing here?” he asked.  
  
Gabriel threw himself down on the bed and Castiel covered his eyes quickly. Apparently Gabriel wasn’t wearing anything under Castiel’s robe and while they’d both seen each other naked when they were children, it wasn’t exactly the same now they were adults and there were parts of Gabriel he could have lived quite happily without seeing.  
  
“I thought you might need a friendly shoulder to cry on,” Gabriel said, offering Castiel a toothsome smile. “You know, I worry about our friends. None of them can hold their liquor and they’re all completely blind.”  
  
Castiel settled down on the side of the bed. A hot, prickly feeling ran up and down his spine. It wasn’t a nice feeling. He didn’t like where Gabriel’s line of conversation seemed to be leading.  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“You brought a guy home last night. You never bring guys home.”  
  
“I….how do you know that?”  
  
“These walls are really thin, Castiel and you’re pretty loud when you get going.”  
  
Castiel felt the blood rush to his face. He swallowed, uncertain of what to say. Gabriel seemed to know everything. He struggled with the idea of breaking the news to Dean, of explaining that he couldn’t keep what they’d done together a secret. He looked appealingly at Gabriel, silently begging his brother to tell him that things weren’t as bad as Castiel suspected.  
  
Gabriel sighed.  
  
“Don’t worry. Like I said, our friends can’t hold their drink. They’ve got no idea it was Dean you were with.”  
  
Castiel stared down at the bed, breathing heavily. Just a few hours ago he and Dean had been wrapped up together in his sheets. A few hours ago Castiel had been breathlessly happy, had believed that Dean loved him and they were going to start a new life together. He’d believed that Dean would leave Anna, that all those years of waiting and hoping and wishing would finally pay off and Dean would realize that it had been Castiel who’d always loved him, who’d always been there for him. He’d believed that sleeping together meant something. He’d convinced himself that because Dean could get hard for him it meant that Dean was secretly gay and secretly attracted to him. In the cold light of day, with Gabriel watching him, all of it seemed so childish.  
  
“You can’t tell anyone,” he said, glancing up at Gabriel.  
  
“Why not?” Gabriel asked, frowning. “Cassie, you’re my little brother. Winchester is a rat who’s supposed to be getting married. I know you’ve been gaga over him since you two were kids but come one, why does he deserve to get away with this?”  
  
“Get away with what?” Castiel asked, brow furrowing in confusion.  
  
“Sleeping with you! Breaking your heart! Cheating on Anna!”  
  
Castiel winced. “Gabriel, it wasn’t like that. He didn’t….he made a mistake, I made a mistake.”  
  
“You’re too forgiving. If I got fucked by a straight guy who then dumped me on my ass the morning after and said it was a mistake, I’d want to raise a little hell,” Gabriel said, gesturing to himself. “I’d want to go see his girlfriend and tell her that her boyfriend is a snake.” He shrugged. “But I guess you don’t know Anna’s home phone number.”  
  
“Gabriel!” Castiel hissed.  
  
“What? I swear, if you told her, then it would get her out of your life and out of your way,” Gabriel said, wiggling his eyebrows in what Castiel supposed was meant to be a conspiratorial manner. “She’s stolen your man!”  
  
Castiel shook his head. “You have a very stunted view of relationships. Dean isn’t mine by any definition and Anna hasn’t stolen him.”  
  
“You saw him first!”  
  
“Dean is a person, Gabriel. Not a slice of cake. You can’t call dibs on a person,” Castiel said, flopping back onto the pillows. He crossed his arms over his chest and tried to fight off the irritation that was nagging at him. Conversations with Gabriel always involved some level of annoyance. His brother saw everything simply. He was like a stubborn little child. If things didn’t go the way he wanted then he complained that it was everyone else’s fault, not that sometimes life just worked out that way.  
  
”But you had him first!” Gabriel whined. “She stole him from you. You should fight her.”  
  
“Gabriel! Don’t!” Castiel said sharply. “Anna isn’t a bad person. She’s not my rival and she didn’t steal Dean or anything like that. This isn’t some teen romance movie where she’s vindictively keeping Dean from me.”  
  
“But….”  
  
“Gabriel, don’t you think I know that it would be easier if I could blame Anna? Then I wouldn’t have to admit that it’s just me that Dean doesn’t like,” Castiel said. He rolled on to his side, away from his brother, hugging himself. If Gabriel had meant any of this to cheer him up, then he’d made a mistake because Castiel felt worse than ever.    
  
Dean didn’t like men generally and Castiel specifically. Hating Anna wouldn’t change the facts and in the long run all that pent up spite and resentment would just fester in Castiel till it boiled over one day and he wouldn’t be able to stand the sight of Dean any longer because he’d chosen Anna. If Castiel really meant it about staying friends with Dean, then he couldn’t spend his time secretly hating the woman Dean was going to marry. Anna was going to be a part of his life, like it or not, so Castiel had to be friends with her as well.  
  
It wasn’t Anna’s fault that she’d fallen in love with the same man as Castiel.  
  
Castiel felt the bed shift then Gabriel moved behind him, settling down so he was spooned around Castiel, his arms looping over his brothers.    
  
“I’m sorry,” Gabriel muttered, pressing his chin to Castiel’s shoulder. It was uncomfortable but Castiel didn’t move. Gabriel, for all his faults, was trying to help in his own misguided way. His arms felt safe, warm and Castiel wanted to be comforted.  
  
“You’re no fun, you know,” Gabriel continued. “When did you get so grow up?” His voice was light, teasing and Castiel smiled. Gabriel might not be able to admit it out loud, but this was as good a way as any of saying he knew that Castiel was right. For a moment or two Gabriel contented himself with humming, a soft, slight off-key tune that Castiel didn’t recognise and supposed that Gabriel had just made up off the top of his head. Then he paused.  
  
“Dean doesn’t deserve you, Cassie,” he said.  
  
Castiel tensed, a queasy feeling washing over him because he didn’t agree with that. If Dean had wanted him then Castiel would be his. It wasn’t a matter what Dean deserved or not. People didn’t fall in love because it was deserved. They fell in love because they couldn’t stop themselves. If everyone got the lover they deserved, then no one would be unhappy but the world didn’t work that way.  Gabriel seemed to realize that his words hadn’t been as comforting as he’d meant them to be so he went back to humming.    
  
Castiel relaxed again. Gabriel’s humming was rhythmic and his body pressed against Castiel’s back was warm. Eventually, Castiel succumbed to the sense of security his brother’s arms offered. He dozed lightly, not really awake but not really asleep. He half-dreamed and in his dreams the arms around him weren’t Gabriel’s but Dean’s.  
  
**  
  
Dean slumped face down onto his bed. The only thing he wanted was for the day to be over. Lunch with Cas had been one of the hardest, awkward things he’d ever done but it looked like they were on the right track. There were still a few bumps in the road, not at least that memory Dean had of Cas’s breathless voice saying that he loved him, but they could smooth them out.  
  
Eventually he’d be able to convince himself that Cas’s voice in his head was just a phantom sound he’d concocted from too much booze and a desperate attempt to fill in the gaps in his memory. It probably wasn’t even Castiel’s voice that he was thinking about. He doubted Castiel could even sound so desperate and strung out. That voice was probably something he’d cobbled together from some porno he didn’t even remember watching. Dean was strictly into breasts and curvy girls, but occasionally he’d clicked the wrong link online and sometimes he just got curious. Besides, some of the guys getting fucked tended to be on the pert side and Dean liked the idea of anal.  
  
Dean groaned, grabbing for a pillow and he held it over his face, considering smothering himself just to put himself out of his misery. He didn’t need to justify himself or the porn he watched, especially not when the only person he was trying to explain himself to was himself. It didn’t even matter that ‘I love you’ wasn’t part of the normal repertoire of porn phrases. Dean didn’t need to convince himself of anything because Castiel wasn’t in love with him and even if he was, it wouldn’t change anything for Dean.  
  
It couldn’t change anything for Dean. Slightly adventurous porn searches aside, Dean was straight. He was in love with Anna.  
  
Beside, Castiel had had years to tell Dean if he was in love with him. They’d been best friends for as long as Dean could remember. If there had been something there, Cas would have told him. He should have told him.  
  
Dean groaned, pressing the pillow down harder on his face.  Suffocation was looking like a really tempting offer around now. He was acting like Castiel being in love with him would have made a difference. It was one thing to want to keep from hurting a friend and another one entirely to end up hung up over the idea of that friend actually being in love with you. What was Dean going to do if Castiel was in love with him? Break it off with Anna? Discover a new side to his sexuality? He was thirty-five years old. That was too old to suddenly start discovering new things about himself. Dean knew who he was. One ridiculous drunken mistake didn’t rewrite the whole of who he was. Especially as he only remembered flashes of the night before. How good could sex he couldn’t actually remember have been? Not good enough to turn Dean gay. He had that set straight in his head.  
  
He loved Anna. He loved women.  
  
Anything else was a mistake or an experiment or, his father’s favorite word, a phase. Dean wasn’t gay. He wasn’t bi. He wasn’t even curious or questioning. Castiel and drunken sex didn’t change who he was. Dean was certain of that. He was completely convinced. The reapplied pressure to the pillow over his face meant nothing.  
  
His phone rang and vibrated against his hip.  
  
Dean groaned, throwing the pillow aside. He dug in his pocket, hooking his phone and fishing it out slowly. He half expected to see Castiel’s name flashing up on the screen but instead it was Anna’s number and the picture of her he’d taken on the last 4th of July. She looked beautiful, stretched out on the picnic blanket they’d laid out in the back yard, her red hair flamed out around her head, smiling and waiting for him to hurry up and finish with the picture so he could come join her. Everything about that picture reminded Dean why he loved her.  
  
He scrolled and pressed accept, holding the phone up to his ear.  
  
“Hey, babe, everything good with you?” he asked.  
  
“”Yeah, I just called my parents to tell them. They’re so excited. You called your dad yet?”  
  
Dean winced. He’d meant to call his dad. He knew that this was something his dad had been waiting for since the day Dean was born. Dean had already managed to disappoint him by missing a couple of other milestones – graduating from college, going to college in the first place – so marriage and grandkids had been what his dad had been relying on him for. Sam had gone to college. Sam had got experimental and tried dating guys and girls. Leading a normal life with a wife, two kids and white picket fence had fallen to Dean.  
  
He’d meant to phone his dad, just to hear how proud he was but then everything with Cas had got in the way. Sorting out their friendship had been more important.  
  
“Not yet,” he said honestly. “I kind of had a celebration with the guys last night, a trial run for the stag. I’ve been fighting a serious hangover all day.”  
  
Anna laughed. “Jo mentioned you were all pretty wasted last night. I should have guessed.”  
  
“I’ll call him first thing in the morning,” Dean promised. He’d also fudge the dates a bit so his dad didn’t realize Dean had skipped a whole day before telling him.  
  
“You sound tired,” Anna said. “You should get some sleep and drink plenty of water. Give me a call tomorrow and tell me how it went with your dad.”  
  
“Will do,” Dean said. “Love you.”  
  
“I love you too,” Anna said, her voice growing soft and warm as she spoke. It was a nice sound, a little like a purr, and Dean closed his eyes, trying to commit that sound to memory. He wanted to think about Anna saying she loved him, not so breathy, desperate guy who might or might not have been Cas.  
  
“Night,” he murmured.  
  
“Sleep tight,” Anna said softly. Dean pressed a button and the call ended. He tossed his phone onto the side table and rolled onto his front, groaning. He just wanted to fall asleep and forget that today had ever happened. Tomorrow would be a fresh start and Dean could start off as he’d meant to – he’d call his dad, he’d help Anna go through bridal magazines, he’d pick a best man who certainly wasn’t Castiel so they didn’t spend another evening together surrounded by alcohol and temptation when his stag rolled around. He would lead the life he was supposed to lead – the apple pie life with beautiful Anna and one day their beautiful kids.  
  
He repeated it to himself, a mantra as he forced himself to relax and unwind, wiggling out of his jeans and kicking them over the edge of the bed. He pulled the covers over him, too tired to bother taking the rest of his clothes off. He fell asleep dreaming of his perfect life and only occasionally did his dream-self come home to Castiel instead of Anna. Certainly not enough times to be significant in any way. And if Dean’s dream-self seemed happier, kissed Castiel a little harder andliked imagining him pregnant a little bit better, then it didn’t mean anything.  
  
It was just a strange quirk of his imagination.  
  
**  
  
 **Three Weeks later:**  
  
Castiel opened the front door and was hit by the strong scent of smoked fish. He covered his mouth with his hand, his stomach lurching unpleasantly and kicked the door shut behind him. Gabriel was in the kitchen, working enthusiastically over the hob. Castiel dumped his brief case on the floor and rushed to the bathroom. He bent over the sink, unable to hold back the wave of nausea any longer and heaved into the basin. When his stomach was empty and Castiel was finally able to stand the smell of smoked fish, he tuned on the tap, washed up and brushed his teeth then let himself back out.  
  
“What are you cooking?” he called.  
  
“This Scandinavian dish I saw online. You have to use smoked herring,” Gabriel said, glancing over his shoulder at Castiel. He continued to stir his concoction in the frying pan with one hand. “What’s the matter with you?”  
  
“The smell of the fish, it made me feel sick,” Castiel said, going to the window and opening it as wide as he could. He stuck his head out and breathed deeply. “I think I’ve got that stomach flu that’s going around. I’ve felt sick every day.”  
  
“Nobody’s got stomach flu. It’s the middle of July,” Gabriel said.  
  
Castiel turned away from the window. He stared at his brother. Slowly, he put his hand on his stomach.  
  
“No one else is sick?” he asked.  
  
Gabriel shook his head. “No.” His eyes widened. “Cas?”  
  
Castiel moved to sit down. He kept his hand against his stomach, imagining that he could feel a flutter against his hand, light as a butterflies wings but that was nonsense. It was too early to feel anything, if indeed there was anything to feel at all.  
  
“I think I should see a doctor,” he said finally.  
  
“You mean you didn’t use a condom?” Gabriel asked. Castiel shook his head and Gabriel threw down the spatula he’d been holding in disgust. “One little thing, Cas! Fuck, a baby’s bad enough but at least you can get rid of it, what if Dean had something else?”  
  
Castiel didn’t reply. He knew Gabriel was right. Castiel had always practiced safe sex. It wasn’t as if it was normal for a man to get pregnant. It happened but hardly anyone kept the baby. There was still a stigma attached to it, people pointing and laughing in the street, no way to deny that you’d let a man fuck you up the ass and apparently that was important to some people, apparently Castiel should be ashamed of enjoying it but he wasn’t.  
  
He and Dean might have been drinking but Castiel had still had the presence of mind to think about using a condom. He just hadn’t. He could have made Dean wear one, could have rolled it down over his cock for him, but he hadn’t. He’d wanted the complete connection of skin on skin. He’d wanted Dean to come inside him, to mark him in a way that was feral and primal and something Castiel wouldn’t ever tell anybody. He hadn’t thought about the possible conclusions, he’d just thought about Dean and being as close to Dean as he could physically get.  
  
“We don’t even know if there is a baby yet,” he said softly, unable to look at Gabriel. He reached for his phone, scrolling through the numbers. “I’ll call Adam.”  
  
“You’re calling Dean’s brother?”  
  
“He’s my doctor, Gabriel,” Castiel said, fumbling with the phone and pressing the wrong number. He sighed and scrolled back.  
  
“Yeah, but he’s still Dean’s brother,” Gabriel said.  
  
Castiel held up one finger, a signal for Gabriel to keep quiet and dialed the correct number. The phone rang and rang, Castiel wondered if everyone had gone home. He could drive to the drug store and buy a home pregnancy test but there was a chance that it would give him the wrong reading. Blood work at the doctor’s office was the most comprehensive method. It wasn’t something that Castiel could afford to be lax about. He needed to be completely certain.  
  
The phone continued to ring. Finally, just when he was about to put the phone down and give up for the night, the other line was picked up.  
  
“Hello,” said a voice that Castiel recognised as Becky, Adam’s rather talkative receptionist. “You’ve reached Doctor Milligan’s practice, but he’s gone home. I was just closing up. If it’s an emergency, I can give you Doctor Milligan’s home phone number or I can phone an ambulance for you!”  
  
Castiel winced. He had Adam’s home phone number. He’d called the practice on purpose. Calling Adam at home meant risking getting Michael and Castiel didn’t want to explain to another one of his brothers just why he needed a doctor’s appointment. Michael didn’t seem to think doctor/patient confidentiality counted where he was concerned.  
  
“Becky,” he cut in quickly, interrupting the rapid flow of information Becky had started to reel off about opening hours and the local A &E department. “It’s Castiel Novak, I need to make an appointment to see Doctor Milligan as soon as possible.”  
  
“Castiel? Why didn’t you say? How early? Would you be able to do eight o’clock tomorrow? It’s the early appointment and normally no one makes them so I hardly ever bother booking them unless someone’s desperate.”  
  
Castiel smiled despite himself. It was hard not to smile around Becky. She never stopped talking and eventually Castiel had to go with the flow. Once he stopped struggling it was a rather pleasant experience. He didn’t have to think, didn’t have to really focus beyond the occasional “Uh huh?” or “Yes”. He let her continue on for little while longer, tuning out most of the conversation about unreasonable patients and appointments that nobody kept and nobody canceled.  Finally she had to take a breath and that was where Castiel jumped in.  
  
“Tomorrow morning at eight will be fine, Becky, I promise I’ll be there,” he said quickly. “I have to go now, Becky. I’ll see you tomorrow.”  
  
“Oh, right, bye!” Becky said brightly. Castiel put the phone down, feeling accomplished. He’d booked an appointment and successfully navigated a call with Becky without being on the phone for longer than ten minutes. He turned to look at Gabriel and all of his good feels turned sour. Gabriel wasn’t smiling. He didn’t look pleased at all.  
  
“What are you going to do if the test comes back positive?” he asked.  
  
Castiel shrugged. “I have no idea,” he answered truthfully. “You’ll come with me tomorrow, won’t you?”  
  
“Eight o’clock? Castiel!”  
  
“Please, I don’t want to go alone.” This particular area of sex education hadn’t been something that had been covered in any depth when Castiel was in school. He knew the basics, but he had no idea what to expect tomorrow when he saw Adam. He didn’t want to face all the possible poking and prodding alone.  
  
“Yes, yes, I’ll come with you,” Gabriel said, turning back to his pan. He flicked a pit of fish around angrily. “I suppose I could just stay up all night.”  
  
“I think I’ll join you,” Castiel said. Somehow he couldn’t see himself getting a great deal of sleep that night, not when a potentially life changing result was only a few hours away.  
  
**  
  
Castiel had managed to catch a few hours fretful sleep but Gabriel hadn’t slept at all. He’d sat next to Castiel in the car, nursing a cup of coffee he’d made Castiel pull over to get, dark circles under his eyes. Castiel drove to Adam’s office, his mind drifting away to other things rather than the upcoming pregnancy test. He found himself focusing more on the road, remembering his first few drives around and around an old field with Dean after Dean had passed his test. He could feel Dean’s hand, hot and heavy on his own, as he shifted gears and he remembered Dean’s voice in his ear, filled with excitement and nearly giddy as he passed on his knowledge and experience. It had always been like that. Dean tried things, threw himself head first into the new and dragged Castiel after him.  
  
Driving hadn’t been the only thing Dean had shown him how to do, not by a long shot. His mouth tingled, the memory of his first kiss rising unbidden in his mind and Castiel nearly missed the turning to the doctor’s office. He turned sharply, causing Gabriel to yelp and foam to erupt from the top of cup where Gabriel squeezed it too hard.  
  
“Sorry,” Castiel muttered, pulling into one of the free parking spaces. There were only three other cars there. One of them was Adam’s banged up old pick up that he refused to get rid of, even though he could afford a better car. He’d had it since before he graduated and kept buying parts for it and fixing it up to keep it on the road. Maybe it was in the Winchester genes, a love of cars and mechanics? Castiel wondered if his possible baby would inherit that trait too.  
  
Would it take after Dean, look like him? Or would it be more like Castiel? It was a little foolhardy to give so much attention to a clump of cells that might or might not be growing inside him at the moment but Castiel found it hard to look at it objectively. He had to keep reminding himself that nothing had been set in stone yet. It was too easy to imagine himself pregnant with Dean’s child.  
  
“We should go in,” he said, glancing down at the clock on his dashboard that read 7:56. “I don’t want Becky to think we’re not coming.” Gabriel mumbled something that Castiel didn’t catch and unbuckled himself. He got out of the car and started to walk towards the doctor’s office. Castiel followed him, pausing to lock the car.  
  
The inside of the office was modest. There was a waiting room with chairs, a low table covered in magazines and Becky’s reception desk. There was also a set of double doors that led to the examination rooms and offices of the doctors. Adam was the youngest member of staff. There were a few other doctors but Castiel only came to see Adam. He’d started seeing him as a favor to Dean since it was his little brother starting up in practice and then he’d stayed on as Adam’s patient because Adam was a good doctor, professional and able to keep their personal lives out of his work.  
  
Sometimes Castiel wondered how Adam managed, with Dean on one side and Michael on the other, demanding to know things they weren’t supposed to, but Adam was made of strong stuff.  
  
He’d made it to medical school waiting tables and saving every last penny he earned. He’d managed to keep a long distance relationship with Michael going throughout the time he was at school and then he’d come home to set up practice and flourish even while dealing with his family and his families sprawling set of friends, all of whom thought they knew, or ought to know, each other’s business.  
  
Castiel liked him as a person as well as a doctor, which was a good thing considering the fact that Adam and Michael were living together on a permanent basis.  
  
Gabriel marched grumpily across the room and sat down on one of the chairs nearest the low table. He reached out, grabbing an out of date copy of Cosmo and began to flick through it, sipping from his coffee and snorting every now and again.  
  
Becky was at her desk, typing furiously. She hadn’t been disturbed by Gabriel’s dramatic entrance, she hadn’t even seemed to have noticed him. Castiel found himself standing at the desk in front of her, waiting for her to look up and when that didn’t work he cleared his throat. Becky jumped, looking up at him with very wide eyes.  
  
“Castiel? I told you no one ever comes early! I use this time for writing. Derek has just told Spencer he loves him, but Spencer’s afraid he’s losing his mind so he’s pushed Derek away for his own good. It’s all very romantic,” she said with a sigh.  
  
“My appointment?” Castiel prompted, knowing better than to ask Becky anything about her writing.  
  
“Oh! Right! Take a seat, I’ll tell Doctor Milligan you’re here!” Becky said cheerfully. She pressed a few more buttons on her keyboard then got up, disappearing through the double doors. Castiel settled down on the seat next to Gabriel. Gabriel thrust the magazine in his direction.  
  
“I did the Cosmo quiz. Apparently I’m too high maintenance and I need to tone it down before guys will date me.”  
  
“You didn’t need a quiz to tell you that,” Castiel said, throwing it back down on the pile of magazines.  
  
“I bet you’re a doormat,” Gabriel said icily. “And Dean won’t date you because you make it too easy for him.”  
  
“That’s not funny, Gabriel,” Castiel hissed. “Don’t bring up Dean while we’re here. I don’t want to make this more difficult than it already is.”  
  
“Fine, fine,” Gabriel said, sinking lower into his chair. “I won’t say another word.”  
  
One of the double doors was pushed open and Becky hurried back to her desk. Adam strode out behind her, looking well-rested and Castiel wondered if that was down to anything on prescription or if Adam’s sleep was simply untroubled.  
  
“Castiel! Do you want to come through to the office? Gabe, you waiting out here or coming in too?” Adam asked.  
  
Gabriel shot Castiel a quick look but Castiel shook his head. He wanted Gabriel around for moral support but not in the actual room with him. He wanted to dictate exactly how much and just what he told Adam and Gabriel was likely to blunder ahead and spill everything. All Castiel needed was a pregnancy test. Paternity and problems like that could come when he knew for certain that he was pregnant or not. There was no point in drawing another person into their secret if it wasn’t necessary.  
  
“I’m good here, thanks,” Gabriel said. “I’ve got coffee and Becky to keep me company.”  
  
“Okay then,” Adam said. Castiel rose from his chair to follow him and Adam held the door for him to let him through. They went down a long white corridor till they came to the office with Doctor Milligan embossed on the door. Adam opened it and ushered Castiel towards a seat. He waited until the door had swung shut all the way then sat down in his own seat. Adam’s office was like doctor’s offices the world over. There was a table for examinations pushed against one wall, a curtain half-covering it. There was a sink, antiseptic gel, gloves and other medical necessities on a counter that ran the length of another wall and Adam’s desk was sandwiched in between them. There wasn’t a lot of room but it felt cosy and familiar. It put Castiel at ease immediately.  
  
“So, what’s the problem, Castiel?” Adam asked, fiddling with the computer at his desk, pulling up Castiel’s file. Castiel glance at it quickly, the last appointment he’d made being over six months ago and for a strange rash that he couldn’t get rid of and eventually turned out to be an allergy to something in his brand of washing powder. Castiel wished it was something as benign as a strange rash this time.    
  
“I need a pregnancy test,” he said.  
  
Adam blinked, startled. Castiel could see it on his face. He knew it had to come as a shock. Castiel wasn’t in a relationship – stable or otherwise – and he’d never been the sort to have sex casually. Adam probably had any number of questions but he composed himself and looked at his computer screen again, fingers poised above the keyboard.  
  
“When did you last have sex?” he asked.  
  
“Three weeks ago,” Castiel said, staring in front of him and pointedly not at Adam. He could tell Adam was working the date back in his mind, that he had probably realized it was around the date that Dean proposed to Anna but that date didn’t need to mean anything else to him but that.  
  
“Okay. And your symptoms? I’m only asking because it’s rare, Castiel.”  
  
“Nausea, tiredness, loss of appetite. I thought it was stomach flu at first but I did have unprotected sex and even if it’s a small chance, I want to set my mind at ease,” Castiel said.  
  
“That’s fine,” Adam said. He typed a few notes and then pushed his chair back, standing up and going over to the counter. “A blood test should tell us if you’re pregnant or not. It won’t be able to tell us anything more conclusive than that, and it’s still early days. Even if you have negative now, I’d like to run another test in a week to make sure that it wasn’t a false negative.”  
  
“Will I know today?” Castiel asked hopefully.  
  
“No, we have to send the tests out to a lab. I’ll have the results for you by tomorrow.”  
  
“Oh,” Castiel said.  
  
“I could ring you on your cell if you like, when we get the results in?” Adam offered. “Or I can book you a late appointment. How does six o’clock sound?”  
  
“I think I could make it,” Castiel said, mentally running the route from work to Adam’s office in his head. Providing everything was done on time, no overtime was asked on him and the traffic was good then he might even be early. “I’d rather come and see you in person.”  
  
“I’ll tell Becky to pencil you in,” Adam said. He turned back to Castiel, a little cotton wool swab in one hand and a bottle in the other. “This is just some antiseptic gel. It has alcohol in it. I need to just clean the spot the needle will go in. Roll up your sleeve.”  
  
Castiel unbuttoned his shirt cuff and rolled his sleeve up as far as it would go. He held his arm out. Adam poured a small amount of gel onto the cotton wool swab and then brushed it carefully across the crook of his arm. He tossed the swab in to the medical waste bin and the turned away again, moving back to the counter. Castiel’s skin felt odd – cold and wet – and he focused on that rather than the needle that would be coming in a moment. He wasn’t frightened of needles but they still weren’t something he enjoyed thinking about.  
  
“How does the blood test work?” he asked.  
  
“The lab will test your blood for hCG. It’s a hormone that’s only present if you’re pregnant. As I said, if we do get a negative result we can test again in a week. The results are normally 99% accurate but your own hormones will be going haywire if you are pregnant and it’s still early if you said you only had unprotected sex three weeks ago. There might not be enough hCG in your bloodstream to register a positive result. I’d like to be safe rather than sorry,” Adam said.  
  
Three weeks felt like a long time to Castiel, but he supposed in medical terms it wasn’t. He’d read once that sperm could live for some time, days even, after ejaculation so he could be closer to two weeks pregnant than three weeks, if he was pregnant at all.  
  
Adam turned back to him, needle in hand. “Right, I’ll put this in and then we’ll take a blood sample,” he said.  
  
Castiel turned his head away. He didn’t wince when the needle went in. It felt odd but not painful. Adam fussed around, connecting the needle to a little tube which slowly filled with blood. It looked like a huge amount but it was hardly anything really. In less than a minute it was over. Adam capped the tube, printed out a label for it and put it into a sample bag. He eased the needle out of Castiel’s arm, throwing that away too and applied a plaster to the small hole.  
  
“The lab picks up the specimens for testing at lunchtime. Come back tomorrow at six and we’ll discuss the results,” Adam sat back down at his desk. “Also, if you want I can give you some condoms, we’ve always got samples to give out. Or tomorrow we can discuss other forms of contraceptives?”  
  
“Thank you, but that’s not necessary. This was a mistake and it won’t happen again. Usually I’m very careful,” Castiel said. He rolled down his sleeve, buttoning his cuff then stood up. “I’ll see you tomorrow then, Adam.”  
  
“Tomorrow,” Adam agreed, smiling at him.  
  
Castiel let himself out of the office. He took his time walking back down the corridor towards the waiting room. He needed to be at work for nine and Gabriel probably wanted to be dropped off somewhere but Castiel couldn’t force himself to care about the time. He had wanted to know that morning, had wanted to be certain if he was or wasn’t pregnant but nothing could ever be that simple. He wouldn’t even know for certain when he turned up tomorrow if the test was correct or not. The uncertainty of it all left him feeling as if he was walking a tightrope. On one side was his normal life, continuing as it always had and on the other was something that had the potential to change his life forever and Castiel had no idea on which side he was going to fall.  
  
He pushed one of the double doors open and headed over to Gabriel. His brother had finished his coffee and was playing with his phone. He looked up, noticed Castiel and got to his feet.  
  
“Well?” he asked.  
  
“I’ve got to come back tomorrow,” Castiel said. He put his hand on Gabriel’s back and pushed him towards the outside. He didn’t want to talk in the waiting room where Becky might overhear. They weren’t the only people there now. There was an old man and a young woman with a baby in a stroller.  The last thing Castiel wanted was to discuss his private business where anyone could listen in. Gabriel huffed but he didn’t put up any other resistance.  
  
“Fine. Tomorrow,” he said, walking towards the car. “Can you drop me in town? I’m meeting Sam. He’s got a day off.”  
  
“Maybe you should get a job and then you’d have days off too?” Castiel said, unlocking the car.  
  
Gabriel rolled his eyes.  
  
“Every day is my day off!” he said.  
  
**  
  
“Dean, are you alright?”  
  
“Uh, what?” Dean looked up, right into Anna’s worried green eyes.  
  
He’d been miles away, certainly not focused on lunch at a fancy little bistro Anna had found. He’d been somewhere else completely, with someone else. No matter how many times he told himself to stop thinking about Cas, he kept being drawn back to him. He forced himself to smile, not wanting Anna to worry. He should be focusing on her and what she was saying, on what she was writing down in her little book that she’d brought especially for the purpose of planning their wedding, not entertaining himself by remembering a few X-rated things about Castiel. It made him feel a little sick to his stomach, knowing he was sitting there with Anna, playing the dutiful fiancé while thinking about sex with Castiel.  
  
It was practically cheating. A mistake was one thing, but dwelling on it was something else. He didn’t need to physically be with someone else to cheat on Anna, he could cheat on her emotionally too. That was a thing, Dean was petty sure and even if it wasn’t he still felt like a rat for thinking about anything but his beautiful girlfriend, soon to be his beautiful wife.  
  
Anna was still watching him, a frown tugging at the corners of her mouth and Dean realized that his smile wasn’t fooling her. “Sorry. You were saying? I was miles always, thinking how I was going to tell Cas that I want Sam to be my best man.”  
  
It was something that was worrying Dean, but he figured Cas wouldn’t take it too hard. Sam was his little brother. It wasn’t something Dean thought he’d have to explain. It was the decision he always would have made but now it was just a little delicate, all things considered.  
  
Anna‘s face cleared and she nodded. “I’m sure he’ll understand, Sam’s family,” she said, sitting back and pushing her hair back behind her ear. “I told you I just want to have Jo for my bridesmaid, didn’t I? Otherwise everyone I know will want to be a bridesmaid and then my cousins will be upset I didn’t ask them and our budget will just balloon! I thought I’d just have Jo because she’s my best friend.”  
  
“Yeah, better to stick to just one person. I thought Adam could be a groomsman, just show people to their seats and maybe Cas could do that too?”  
  
“Yes, that makes sense,” Anna agreed. “That’s nice. Then everyone important is included. You’ve got your bothers and Cas, I’ve got Jo. I save money on bridesmaid’s dresses and you guys can just rent you tuxes.”  
  
Rented tuxes, one bridesmaid, family and the friends who were like family only – they had to do everything on a budget. There was no one offering hand-outs to help pay. Anna’s parents weren’t in any position to help them and Dean hadn’t even bothered asking his dad. The old man was coming, of course, delighted that his oldest was finally ready to settle down but Dean knew better than to ask for money.  
  
His dad was a drifter. He never felt settled in one place. He’d packed up part way through Sam’s final year of high school and gone on the open road. Dean had been working then, he’d left them the house and sent occasional and sporadic checks when he stayed somewhere long enough to get a job. The last two years he’d been out west. This time he seemed to have found somewhere he liked, somewhere he felt comfortable but Dean wasn’t holding his breath. Still, his dad’s plane ticket would wipe out a large chunk of their disposable cash so they needed to keep costs down where they could.  
  
Anna kept telling Dean it would be worth it when his dad was there to see him get married, but Dean couldn’t shake the feeling that if his dad was that desperate to come he’d scrap the money together himself and let Dean give Anna the wedding she deserved, the wedding fit for a princess.

 

 

 

  


  
“So, you got any thoughts on dates yet?” he asked.  
  
Anna consulted her little wedding book, her finger tapping the page.  
  
“I thought April. Summer weddings are popular and so everywhere is either booked or really expensive. Spring weddings are just as nice, but a bit cheaper and April’s a mild month,” Anna said, looking up at Dean expectantly.  
  
Dean nodded. “Sure, April, whatever makes you happy.”  
  
They could get married in the middle of winter for all he cared, as long as they did get married. That was the important bit – the part where they exchanged rings and signed their names with witnesses – everything else as just window dressing.  
  
Anna smiled at him. “April 6th? First Saturday of the month? I can call the church and make sure they’ve got the date free.”  
  
“Right, and where are we having the reception?”  
  
Anna’s expression turned demure and she looked at him through her eyelashes. It was a very disarming look. She looked very attractive and very innocent. Dean had been with her long enough to know that Anna used this look when she wanted something. Normally, he associated this look with a hand on his chest and some honeyed words. The last time he’d seen that look Anna had been convincing him that it was natural to be naked and no one was going to come along and find them on the side of the highway in the middle of the night. She knew what she was doing, even as she appealed to him.  Anna was a strange mix of vulnerability and sex kitten coquettishness. Dean supposed that was part of why he loved her. She had an appetite for sex that rivaled his own and she didn’t try to hide it, only tried to seduce him every time they were together.  
  
He didn’t think this time that Anna was going to suggest any sort of romp but he still enjoyed the warmness that settled in his stomach when she looked at him. He adjusted himself, sitting up a little straighter, waiting to see what Anna thought he needed to be persuading in to.  
  
“I thought your house. It’ll keep the costs down,” she said.  
  
A wedding at home. It sounded right in Dean’s head. It was simple and about family because that house would be Anna’s too, once they were married. She’d live there with him and Sam. Sam would be there too. It was as much his house as Dean’s but Dean didn’t see him making a fuss about them holding the wedding there.  
  
“Sure, sounds good,” he said.  
  
Anna smiled at him before picking up her pen and making a note in her book. “Right, so that’s all planned. A wedding at home on April 6th. I’ll make the arrangements. I thought white and green for the theme, what do you think?”  
  
Dean leant across the table and caught her hand in his. He held it carefully, gently and made sure she was looking at him when he said the next words.  
  
“Anna, honestly, anything that makes you happy. I just want us to get married.”  
  
He didn’t care about the flowers or the wedding favours or any of the other little bits and pieces that made up a wedding. Anything Anna wanted, she could have. Dean just cared about the things that came afterwards, their life together. As far as Dean was concerned the wedding was just a big party for their friends and family and Anna could have whatever party she wanted.  
  
Anna’s smile was electric. Even outside, in the middle of the day, she made everything brighter. Dean didn’t want her to worry about money. He’d take double-shifts, triple, if it meant getting her what she wanted. Anna pushed her chair back and lent across the table, kissing him quickly before she sat back down.  
  
Dean squeezed her hand then let it go. He picked up his menu, groaning internally as he saw that the lunch menu seemed to consist of soups and salads and hardly anything else. Still, this was the place Anna wanted to eat and he had just been telling himself he’d always get her the things she wanted. If what she wanted was to eat at bistro then Dean would suck it up and order a soup.  
  
He stared hard at the menu, the words blurring together, and he was back in a little diner, tucking into one of the best burgers he’d ever eaten, Castiel sitting across from him, dry little smile on lips.  
  
No matter how much he told himself otherwise, that was where Dean would rather have been.  
  
**  
  
“The test is conclusive. Castiel, you’re pregnant.”  
  
For a long moment Castiel sat very still, staring into the distance.  
  
“No,” he said finally. “No, I can’t be.”  
  
Adam sighed. “If you want we can run the test again, but it’s unlikely that this is wrong.  I’ve never heard of a body producing hGC where a pregnancy wasn’t involved. Castiel the only way this test could be wrong is if you were pregnant before, miscarried and your blood was still showing the hGC from that first pregnancy. ”    
  
He stared hard at Castiel, waiting for Castiel to say something but Castiel didn’t have anything to say. He knew the dates. He knew that Dean was the only person he’d slept with in years. If the test was positive, then it wasn’t a mistake. He just couldn’t be pregnant because that ruined everything.  
  
“No, Adam, you don’t understand. I can’t be pregnant. The father is….he’s practically a married man.”  
  
Adam’s eyes flickered over his face. He shook his head slowly, realization dawning in his eyes but Castiel could see him fighting against it, wanting so badly to believe that it wasn’t true. Castiel couldn’t fault him that. He wanted to believe it wasn’t true so why shouldn’t Adam?  
  
“Oh god,” Adam said finally. “It’s Dean’s baby, isn’t it?”  
  
“Yes,” Castiel said. There was no point in lying. Adam couldn’t confront Dean about what he knew. It would break confidentiality and he’d only lose respect for Castiel if Castiel lied when Adam had already guessed the truth. They both knew Castiel was in love with Dean. It was an open secret, something everyone but Dean seemed to know or guess.  
  
“Are you having an affair? What….what’s happening?”  
  
“No, it was a mistake. It was just one night,” Castiel said forcefully. “Dean wants to be with Anna and I want him to be happy.”  
  
“And what do you want to do?” Adam asked, his tone cautious. “I can arrange a termination out of state for you. No one will ever have to know apart from you and me.”  
  
Having an abortion was the rational thing to do. Dean need never even know that Castiel had been, for a few brief weeks, pregnant. The problems – so many of them in fact that Castiel had only just begun to scratch the surface when he thought about them – would be gone. There would be nothing to tell Dean, no physical proof of the fact that he’d cheated on Anna, no danger of her finding out. Castiel wouldn’t have to look for a bigger apartment, somewhere with a spare room. He wouldn’t have to face all the disapproving looks, maybe the outwardly disapproving words of other people. He wouldn’t need to inform his job. He wouldn’t have to face life as a single parent.  
  
He was acutely aware that a termination would solve all these problems.  
  
He was also aware that Dean was leaving him. Very soon Dean would be out of his reach completely. He would belong, body and soul, to another person, committed to her in the eyes of God and the Law. Castiel was still in love with him. He couldn’t stop being in love with Dean. He couldn’t turn it off, will it to go away. It had been part of him for as long as he’d known what love was. The baby growing inside of him was one bit of Dean that was truly his. It was selfish. It was ridiculous.  
  
“I want to keep the baby,” he said slowly.  
  
No matter how stupid his decision, it was the only one he could see himself making. He knew he wouldn’t be able to go through with a termination. Castiel had no moral objection to the idea but on this very personal level he couldn’t commit to it. Not when this child was his and Dean’s. All the odds had been stacked against it even being conceived and yet it was there, growing inside of Castiel even as he sat and debated its future.  
  
As impossible as it was, having only learned of its existence a few moments ago, Castiel knew he already loved it.  
  
Adam nodded. If he thought Castiel was making a mistake, his face didn’t show it.  
  
“I’ll give you as much support as I can, Castiel, but I think it’s best I request that you see a specialist in this area too. I’ve never dealt with a pregnancy of this sort.”  
  
Castiel nodded. Of course this wasn’t something Adam handled normally. A pregnancy like his was rare, a genetic lottery and even though Castiel was committed, that didn’t mean it would be an easy pregnancy. The risk of miscarriage was high. The only choice in delivery was a hospital birth and a caesarean section. Otherwise it was highly likely both Castiel and the baby would die. He knew these facts, he knew the risks but they weren’t enough to give him second thoughts. Adam wrote out a prescription for vitamins, pills and supplements, all of which should help.    
  
He handed the prescription across, looking thoughtful.  
  
“Castiel, I know it isn’t my place to say anything and I won’t, but I think you should tell Dean about this. He deserves to know.”  
  
“I know,” Castiel said. “I’m going to tell him.”  
  
Privately, he wondered if it would change anything. Then he dismissed that thought. Dean wanted a family but he also wanted a wife. He wanted Anna to be that wife. Telling Dean that there was going to be a baby was a courtesy, not an invitation for Dean to fall into his arms and settle into domestic bliss with Castiel for the rest of his life. Castiel doubted very much that Dean would be pleased by this turn of events but even he couldn’t change Castiel’s mind. He knew what he wanted to do now and he wouldn’t be persuaded.  
  
“Right, one last thing. You’re about a month along?” Adam asked, bringing up something on his computer.  
  
“Yes,” Castiel said, not completely comprehending. “Three weeks and a bit.”  
  
“Right, so conception would have been around?”  
  
“The night Dean got engaged.”  
  
Adam bit his lip, punching in a few numbers and if he had anything to say about his brother and Castiel, he kept it to himself.  
  
“Okay then, I’ve got a rough due date for you. It could be a little longer, but you’re due on or around April 6th.”  
  
**  
  
Taking apart an engine always relaxed Dean. Sam had a theory about Zen and the art of meditation and how repetitive tasks allowed people to zone out. All Dean knew was he was never happier than when he was up to his elbows in grease, tinkering about with the insides of a car. Preferably the ’67 Impala that had been his dad’s before he left town in an old truck and told Dean to keep the family car. It had been a beautiful thing then but Dean really loved her and he’d taken care of her. Now his baby purred, she gleamed and there were only a few little bits of damage to the upholstery that he hadn’t fixed because he didn’t want them fixed, like the place him and Sam had carved their initials when they were kids.  
  
He loved his car, loved the memories he’d made in it. He’d proposed to Anna in this car, lost his virginity in this car and had his first kiss in this car. The car had been with him through practically every important moment in his life. Hell, this had been the car that his mom and dad had driven back from the hospital in when Sam was born. He took good care of his car because his car took good care of him.  
  
Still, he didn’t need to take her engine apart right now. He’d already tuned her up. This was just his way to unwind and he needed to unwind. All the talk of weddings made him uncomfortable. It wasn’t the idea of settling down. He was ready for that. It was the thought of wearing some itchy rented tuxes and having to make small talk with people he hardly knew or relatives he hated but couldn’t avoid inviting that bothered him. Now they’d set a date everything seemed real. Anna had already rung to confirm the church booking so there really was nothing stopping them now.  
  
Deep down in his bones, Dean was terrified.  
  
He could picture his life after the wedding, waking up in bed with Anna in the morning, making them both breakfast and ignoring when Sam stole half the toast. Him going off to work and Anna to her studio. The two of them snuggled together on the sofa watching whatever cheesy late night movie was on. Day to day life he could imagine. He could take to being married pretty well, Dean was certain.  
  
He just couldn’t see himself standing up in front of a minister and saying ‘I Do’ in front of everyone. He especially couldn’t see himself doing too well when it came to the line about fidelity and forsaking all others. In his imagination he could see himself, tugging on his shirt collar, sweating all over, repeating the words and no sound coming out because he was lying on the most important day of his life. Sometimes, he entertained the thought that Castiel would stand up and condemn him.  
  
It wasn’t as if Dean even believed in God. That wasn’t what was bothering him. It was the thought of lying to Anna. He was making an oath to her and he’d already broken it. Dean wouldn’t have said he had a guilty conscience but the only other time he’d been in a situation like this, where he’d cheated, he’d managed to make his cheating so obvious that his high school girlfriend had dumped him outright. It had been the biggest weight off his shoulders, not having a girlfriend and not needing to worry about being found out any longer.  
  
It wasn’t like that with Anna. The mistake, as Dean was calling it, wasn’t something he ever wanted her to find out about but already he felt like it was a creating a gap between them. He knew, she didn’t. Lots of marriages were based, happily, on what people didn’t know. His mom and dad had loved each other, they’d had a good marriage and while it rankled Dean that Adam had been born only eight months after his mom died, it didn’t mean that his dad hadn’t loved his mom desperately. It just meant he took comfort with one of the hospital nurses charged with her care.  
  
Sam, if Dean told him about the mistake which wasn’t something he planned, would probably say Dean was worried he was turning into their dad. Sam had also read too many books.  He had to have a fancy, psychology supported reason for people doing things. Dean just tuned him out because most of the time it sounded like blaming their dad for the things that had gone wrong in their lives and while their dad hadn’t always been the best person, it all sounded too easy for Dean.  
  
He knew he didn’t have anyone to blame for his screw ups except himself. He couldn’t even blame Cas for the mistake. What they’d done, they’d done together.  
  
So here he was, taking his baby’s engine apart, trying to make sense of everything.  
  
Inside the house the phone rang.  
  
A second later, Sam shouted “Dean! Phone!”  
  
“I’m in the garage!” Dean shouted back. He reached for a cloth to wipe his hands on but nothing but soap, water and a scrubbing brush was going to get them really clean.  There was the sound of footsteps and then Sam opened the connecting door between the house and the garage, holding the phone out for Dean to take.  
  
“It’s Cas,” he said.  
  
Dean didn’t manage to supress his grin, grabbing the phone off Sam in record time. He waved his hand at Sam, shooing him away and back into the kitchen before he lifted the phone to his ear.  
  
“Hey, Cas.”  
  
“Dean,” Cas sounded breathless. Dean tried, and failed, not think of phone sex. There was a space in Hell reserved for him. He knew there was but damn it, Cas’s voice did things to him now. They’d hardly spoken to each other over the last three weeks, not since they’d sat in the diner together and mutually decided to keep things a secret. For three weeks Dean had been going crazy, caught between guilt and some weird vivid fantasies about Cas that were probably half-memory and half-something pure out of Dean’s imagination. Three weeks and he’d hardly heard Cas’s voice at all except in those fantasies and now Cas was on the phone to him, voice all low and breathy and Dean was getting hard.  
  
“What do you want, Cas?” he grunted.  
  
“I need to see you. Tonight would be best.”  
  
Dean held the phone away from him, regarding it warily. Just because Cas was breathless and asking to see him didn’t mean that Cas was calling up because he wanted to repeat the mistake. There was something very wrong with Dean, with how easily he now connected thoughts of Cas and sex.  
  
He took a deep breath and brought the phone back.  
  
“Sure, Cas, give me an hour to get cleaned up,” he said.  
  
**  
  
Dean had spent the best part of an hour, after he’d fitted the engine back together, under the hot spray of the shower, trying to get himself clean, scrubbing at his skin till it was bright shiny red and Sam had shouted up the stairs that Dean was using all the hot water. It didn’t matter how much hot water he used, Dean paid for it so he could spend as long as he liked under the shower head but he’d said an hour and he meant to keep to it.  
  
He’d thrown on something old and comfortable, something he knew Cas liked and then he’d gone back and changed because he wasn’t dressing to impress Castiel. His body was running on auto-pilot, acting as if Dean was on his way to a date rather than just meeting up with a friend. Eventually he’d found something that didn’t make it look as if he’d spent any time or effort on it.  
  
He drove to Castiel’s, thinking up scenarios in his head, thinking of ways Castiel might try to seduce him, and in these scenarios he always knew the right thing to say to defuse the situation, to turn Castiel down. Only occasionally did his imaginary self forget what he was supposed to say and kiss Castiel instead. As long as that only happened in his head then Dean could deal with it. He was just exploring all the options and, as he kept reminding himself, that probably wasn’t what Castiel had called him for in the first place.  
  
He drew up outside Castiel’s apartment, his heart trying to kick its way out of chest.  
  
There was a light on in Castiel’s window.  
  
One flight of stairs later and Dean was knocking on his friend’s door. A moment later Castiel opened the door. He didn’t look like he was expecting a night of passion, not unless he thought Dean found oversized sweaters appealing. Dean never had found them appealing in the past but now he was starting to see them in a new light.  
  
“I asked Gabriel to go out tonight. I thought we should be alone,” Castiel said bluntly.  
  
“Er….right,” Dean said, stepping inside and letting Castiel shut the door behind him.  
  
“I think you should sit down.”  
  
“Yeah, sure.”  
  
Dean sat down, watching Castiel carefully. He looked flustered, his cheeks slightly pink, his hair disorganized. He settled next to Dean, too close for comfort and Dean was aware of a lot of little different things suddenly – how warm Castiel was, the way he smelled sort of strangely intoxicating and Dean wanted to lean in closer, to bury his face in the crook of Castiel’s neck and breath all of him in. He was aware of how long Castiel’s fingers were, how elegant they looked as he tapped them nervously against his knee. He was aware of the slight line of stubble along Castiel’s jaw where he’d missed it when shaving. If Dean kissed him, licked along that line, it would be rough and undeniably male.  
  
“Cas,” he murmured, reaching out to cup Castiel’s cheek. Castiel looked up at him, his eyes wide with surprise and Dean supposed he was surprised too but he wasn’t stopping. He leant in, ready to kiss Castiel.  
  
Castiel’s hand shoved against his chest stopped him.  
  
“Dean,” Castiel said, his voice strange and tight. “Dean, I need to tell you something.”  
  
Dean sat back. He shook his head. He didn’t know what had come over him. He loved Anna, he was getting married to Anna but there had been Castiel and all he’d wanted to do was kiss Cas until both of them were breathless and neither of them were thinking straight any more. Dean hadn’t been thinking straight in days.  He needed to get away from Cas, get away from the thoughts of him. None of it was fair. Dean was about to get the life he deserved and then Castiel derailed it.  
  
“What do you want, Cas?” he asked. He needed to get out of Castiel’s apartment, needed to get away from Castiel. Maybe there was no way back? Maybe they couldn’t stay friends after what had happened? Now he was even starting to blame Castiel for things that weren’t even his fault. Dean knew Castiel couldn’t control what Dean thought or what he wanted. That made it worse. He should be able to blame Castiel. He needed to be able to blame Castiel because Dean knew he wasn’t attracted to men. He couldn’t be. It wasn’t the person everyone thought he was, the person he was supposed to be.  
  
Castiel swallowed, moving back and Dean let him go.  
  
“Why did you want me to come over, Cas?” he tried again. “What was it you need to tell me?”  
  
Castiel licked his lips, too pink, too bright and Dean dug his fingers into his knee to stop himself from thinking about that.  
  
“I’m pregnant,” Castiel said.  
  
For a moment all Dean could hear was the sound of his own heartbeat.  
  
“No, Cas,” he said slowly. “I don’t think I heard you right. I thought you said you were pregnant but that’s not possible, right?”  
  
Castiel looked at him glumly. “I am. I am pregnant.”  
  
“How?”  
  
“I don’t think you need me to explain,” Castiel said.  
  
No, Dean didn’t need an explanation. He knew the how well enough. He’d fucked Cas. He hadn’t worn a condom. Apparently Cas wasn’t taking any contraceptives. It had been a million to one shot and it had happened. It was so monumentally unfair that it had happened. Castiel was a guy. The odds of him getting pregnant were stacked against him. Couples tried for years without success but Dean managed it with half a bottle of whiskey inside him. If he wasn’t so horrified, he’d be impressed with himself.  
  
“Cas, fuck it! What do you want from me?” he asked.  
  
Castiel looked affronted.  
  
“Nothing. I just thought you should know.”  
  
Dean sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Adam knows about this, doesn’t he?”  
  
Castiel hesitated for a moment and then said, “Yes.”  
  
That was just the news Dean wanted to hear. He hated the idea of someone else knowing about their mistake, especially his half-brother. Adam had been an unplanned pregnancy and their dad had only been good to him on his birthday when he acknowledged he had a youngest son that he ignored the rest of the year. No doubt Adam would side with Castiel over this. He’d probably already cast his brother as the bad guy even though Dean hadn’t wanted any of this.  
  
“Well, shit,” he said. “Are you getting rid of it then?”  
  
Castiel’s hand went to his stomach protectively. Dean wondered if he’d worn the sweater to hide a growing bump but it was too early, too soon for Cas to be showing yet.  
  
“I’m going to keep the baby.”  
  
“Don’t call it a baby, Cas. It’s a fucking mistake. Don’t think this changes anything. Don’t think I’m going to leave Anna because of this,” Dean growled.  
  
Castiel’s eyes widened. “I didn’t ask you to.”  
  
They sat in silence for a moment, Dean privately seething and cursing Castiel to the Heavens. Castiel had an option that could save them all countless grief. People were going to start asking who the father was. Castiel didn’t have a boyfriend, hadn’t had a steady boyfriend in years. Other people, people like Adam, already knew Dean was the father.  There’d be gossip. Anna might find out. Dean didn’t think she’d stick around if she found out Dean had fathered a child with his best friend.  
  
Castiel was ruining his life, forcing him to become a father before he was ready and Dean hated him but he hated himself too because he knew it was partly his fault that this was happening. It took two to make a baby. Neither of them had been completely sober, neither of them had thought about this possibility.  
  
“When’s it due then?” he asked finally when the silence threatened to engulf them.  
  
“April 6th,” Castiel said stiffly.  
  
Dean laughed. He laughed loud and hard at the mess his life had become. It was all some great big cosmic joke.  
  
“That’s just peachy, isn’t it? Do you know Anna and I set the date today, Cas? April 6th!”  
  
“I didn’t get pregnant to spite you, Dean. I can’t change the due date,” Castiel said with a little sigh. He seemed smaller suddenly, washed out and grey faced. He huddled in on himself, like a wounded animal, eyeing Dean warily, waiting for his next strike.  
  
Dean sat up straight.  
  
“Did you tell me you loved me? Did you say it that night?” he demanded. Castiel wasn’t acting like a friend, he was acting like a jilted lover, acting as if every word Dean said hurt him physically.  
  
Castiel’s eyes darted back and forth, the other man looking for an escape route and then he seemed to realize it was pointless. His shoulders sagged and he nodded. “Yes, Dean, I love you.”  
  
“Then why the fuck did you wait till I was getting married to tell me? How long have you been in love with me, Cas?”  
  
“For a while. I thought eventually you would notice,” Castiel said quietly, curling in to himself.  
  
It was all real. Cas telling him breathlessly, like something right out of Dean’s best wet dream, that he was in love with him was true. Dean was breaking his heart and Castiel was just waiting there patiently for him, like the worst sort of sap because Dean was never going to notice him. Castiel was his friend, Castiel had only been his friend and then Castiel had only got up the nerve to tell him at the last moment he was in love with him and only then because he’d had a drink or two to steady his nerves.  
  
“No, no! Life doesn’t work that way, Cas,” he said, throwing his hands up in the air, unable to believe that Castiel had ever thought that would work. “You don’t just love someone and hope one day they realize that they love you back. I’ve been going crazy trying to figure out if it was all in my head or if you’d really said it. It’s not fair, Cas! It’s not fair for you to say you’re in love with me and then lay all of this on me! I was happy!”  
  
“I didn’t mean….I just wanted you to know….”  
  
“Why? So you could make me feel guilty because I didn’t love you back? I’m not gay, Cas! I don’t even like guys.”  
  
There was no beating around the bush, no better way to put it. Dean hated himself. He hated every word coming out his mouth but he wasn’t going to throw away the life he’d worked so hard for just because Castiel said he loved him. He couldn’t throw it all away. Not for Castiel. Not for another man.  
  
All this time Castiel had been lying to him. He hadn’t wanted Dean’s friendship. He’d wanted more and that one night he’d got it. Dean swallowed, feeling sick. Everything he thought he knew about himself, about Cas, was gone and Dean didn’t think they could ever go back from this.  
  
“Dean, this isn’t what I….”  
  
“I don’t care what you want, Cas! I don’t care. You can keep the baby but I don’t want anything to do with it and I don’t want anything to do with you.”  
  
Dean pushed himself up, stumbling away from the couch and Castiel. He needed to get away from Cas. None of this was right. None of it could be happening. Dean didn’t know what to do so he did the only thing he could think to do – he made a beeline for the door.  
  
“No, Dean, no!” Castiel tried to grab hold of his arm, tried to pull him back but Dean shook him off. He got one last glimpse of Castiel’s face – haunted, frightened – and his stomach twisted up painfully but Dean got the door open and he stumbled out into the hallway, down the stairs and back to his car. For a moment he thought Castiel might have followed him but then he realized that he was alone.  
  
He got the car door open and drove home in a daze, running a red light and not even noticing till it was past. The house was shut up when he reached it, all the lights off and Sam was either out or asleep. Dean parked his car in the garage and then sat silently in the driver’s seat, his hands on the wheel. He could do what his dad had done. He could drive off, pick up and leave the complete mess he’d made of his life.  
  
But Dean wasn’t that man. He couldn’t walk away.  
  
He had to make a choice though. He had to choose Anna or Cas.  
  
In the end it was no real choice at all but Dean still sat at the wheel of his car and cried about the man he was leaving behind.  
  
**  
  
 **Four Months Later:**  
  
Anna looked at her self critically then adjusted her bust, tugging her bra up a little higher to give her the lift the dress needed. New underwear, she thought to herself. She couldn't wear the old sagging stuff and expect to look as good in the dress as she could do. Besides, it would be a treat to get a new set just for the wedding and Dean would like it. He always liked it when she had new underwear. It was something Dean noticed. He especially liked her in lace but a whole day in lace sounded itchy so Anna discarded that idea and made a mental note to check out the sets at the front of the store.  
  
She looked back at her reflection and smiled. Bad bra aside, she didn't look half bad. The dress she'd chosen had more than a touch of 20s' glamour about it, a long silken cream dress with little straps and a low cut back. So either a strapless or clear bra, Anna thought.  
  
She slipped on the pair of heels she'd bought for the occasion and, confident she looked as good as she was going to without proper support and full hair and make-up, she pushed the curtain aside that separated her from the rest of the dressing room and stepped out.  
  
Jo was idly flicking through a wedding magazine, scanning the pictures rather than reading. She looked up quickly as soon as she heard the curtain move and her mouth dropped open at the sight of Anna.  
  
"Do you like?" Anna asked, sauntering forwards. If Jo liked the dress, then Dean would like the dress. They could be surprisingly similar. At first, Anna had been a little worried when Dean introduced her to his friend, Jo. In her mind Jo had been another man, not a girl who lived in a bar and liked to drink, shoot and play cards. Dean and Jo had so much in common that Anna had spent a few months waiting for them to realize it. She'd been certain when they did that Dean would dump her for Jo.    
  
Then, slowly, she'd come to understand that they already knew it and like magnets they found themselves repelled by their similarities. Jo was like a sister to Dean, not a possible lover. Once Anna had realized that she'd let her guard down and let herself get close to Jo. Jo had become her friend independent of Dean, her best friend. Still sometimes Anna liked to use her as a sounding-board for ideas. Running them past Jo almost always told her what Dean was going to think. Not always, not on everything but she was pretty sure that Jo's reaction to her wedding dress choices would mimic Dean's.  
  
"Is it too sexy?" she asked.  
  
"Just a little," Jo said, recovering herself. "You might want to pick something a little less likely to turn Dean into a slobbering wreck."  
  
"So I look too good, is that it?" Anna teased. She looked down at herself. Beautiful, yes, she looked beautiful but it was a church wedding and this dress suggested a red carpet rather than wedding vows. "Maybe something with sleeves?" she suggested.  
  
There had been another dress she was keen on, a Grace Kelly style wedding dress with a lace collar and sleeves. It was demure but classic and Dean would probably like the lace. There was a little bell on the wall to call the sales girls if there was an issue. Anna pressed it and a moment later the girl arrived. Anna described the dress she wanted then slipped back behind the curtain. She shimmied out of the beautiful silk dress, hanging it carefully.  
  
The sales girl reappeared after a few minutes, taking away the silk dress and leaving the Grace Kelly style one behind. It was even nice than it had seemed when she's caught a glimpse of it on the rack.  
  
A few moments later, Anna was stuck with the zip half-way up, unable to reach to pull it up any further.  
  
"Uh, Jo!" she called. "Uh, I need a little help."  
  
The curtain was pulled aside and Anna caught sight of Jo in the mirror, her hand pressed to her mouth to stifle her giggles.  
  
"Yes, I know! I know!" she said. "But Jo, please, I think this is the dress. Help me!"  
  
"It won't be the dress if you can't get it on," Jo said. She moved behind Anna, pressing a hand to her hip and forcing her to stand up straight. She gave the dress a little tug, smoothing it out and then tugged the zip closed. "There," she said, stepping back and letting Anna look at herself in the mirror.  
  
"Oh," Anna said softly. She had been sexy before, vibrant in a dress that demanded attention but now she was breath taking. Her red hair fanned out against the white was striking. The dress sat right, nothing bulged or sagged or looked as if it needed to be altered. The dress was perfect. She was perfect.  
  
Anna turned to look at Jo, her smile triumphant. Jo was looking at her with wide eyes, awestruck as if she'd never seen Anna before. Anna licked her lips. She wanted to say something, make a joke, just to break the silence and the strange atmosphere that had settled over them, but she couldn't. Words died in her throat. She couldn't look away from Jo, from those wide eyes which drew her in. She was fascinated by Jo.  
  
Jo's hand, strong and warm, went to her waist, pulling Anna to her and Anna didn't resist. She had thought of exactly this, sex in the changing rooms of a bridal boutique, Anna in her wedding dress - virginal and pure - but it had been Dean who'd been captivated in her imagination, Dean who couldn't keep his hands off her. Strangely, Anna didn't think she minded that it was Jo instead. There was the crackle of electricity in the air.  
  
Jo wasn't the first woman who had been attracted to her. Anna had traveled, she'd lived before she'd chosen to settle down with Dean. She'd had a few short lived romances with other women. There was nothing about Jo or the desire in Jo's eyes that disgusted her. Quite the contrary, in fact. Anna wasn't stupid. She knew an engagement ring on her finger didn't stop other people from wanting her, or her from wanting them but she hadn't expected anything like this, not when she was trying on her wedding dress, not with her one and only bridesmaid.  
  
"Jo," she said softly. She meant it as a warning, as an attempt to stop what was happening but it didn't come out like that. It came out breathless, as if she was calling to Jo, asking for her.  
  
Jo stroked her fingers up and down over the pearly white fabric of the dress, over Anna's hip and up her side.  
  
"You look like an angel," Jo said, her voice low and awed.  
  
"Oh, Jo," Anna whispered. She didn't feel like an angel. She felt like slipping off Dean's engagement ring and hiding it for an hour or so. For an hour or so she could pretend to be a free woman.  
  
"Can I kiss you?" Jo asked. Anna breathed deep, a flutter starting in her chest. She nodded. Jo moved forwards, her grip on Anna tightening as if she thought Anna was unreal and might float away at any moment if she wasn't tethered to the ground. She licked her lips, leaving them pink and wet, then pressed them hurriedly against Anna's.

 

 

 

The kiss was fire, passion licking at Anna's heart, making her reckless and hungry. She buried a hand in Jo's hair and crushed their mouths together, deepening the kiss. For a second Jo was pliant, her body pressed to Anna's, warm and soft and reminding Anna of everything that she loved about women but then Jo started, breaking the kiss and struggling out of Anna's arms.  
  
She wiped her mouth on the back of her hand. "I shouldn't have done that," she muttered. "I....I have to go."  
  
She pushed the curtain aside, leaving Anna on her own with the sound of blood thundering in her ears and her heart pounding painfully in her chest. She looked down at Dean's ring on her finger and, turning, looked up at her face - her mouth swollen with another woman's kisses, her desire flamed by Jo. Anna had thought she was happy. She was getting married to the man she loved, of course she was happy.  
  
But if she was so happy, why had she been willing to let Jo kiss her? Why had she entertained thoughts about doing more? It was one thing to know she'd be attracted to other people still after she was married. It was another thing completely to entertain thoughts of cheating with that person.  
  
Anna kept looking at herself in the mirror, at the dress. Jo had called her an angel but now Anna thought she looked like a devil. She was made for temptation and she had a hard time resisting. She should put the dress back, buy some big puffy fairy princess dress that Dean would tell her she looked beautiful in but that they'd both laugh over in the wedding photos later. She shouldn't wear this, not with the taint of what she'd been willing to do, what she had done, hanging over it.  
  
The curtain was pulled aside then and the sales girl who'd helped her before stood there. Her eyes widened as she looked over Anna.  
  
"That's a beautiful dress on you," she said.  
  
"Yes," Anna agreed. "Can you help me take it off?"  
  
The sales girl came and obediently unzipped the dress. Her hands were cold. "Your friend left in a hurry," she said.  
  
"Yes, she had another appointment." The lie came easily. Anna stepped out of the dress, letting the sales girl take it and hurried to scramble into her own clothes. She tugged on her sweater and looked away from the mirror.  
  
"Is this the dress you want?" the sales girl asked, rehanging the dress and smoothing it out.  
  
Anna hesitated for a moment and then nodded. "Yes. It is."  
  
**  
  
Miles away, in an unfamiliar hospital Castiel was feeling cold and exposed. He’d never had a reason to travel further than the doctor’s office before. He’d always felt safe, with a doctor he trusted by right now he didn’t feel very safe at all. His specialist, Dr. Meg Masters, was sat on an uncomfortable looking green hospital chair, reading his chart with barely concealed boredom. Castiel had met her twice before and both times she had treated him as if he was an annoying chore she had to do before she could get on with things she really enjoyed.  
  
Spending time with Meg, even for the forty-five minutes that their appointments ran to, made Castiel feel tense and uneasy. He felt it even more so lying on a table with his shirt pulled up, cool gel smeared on his stomach and another strange person, a sonographer whose hospital name tag said “Ruby”, running a small handheld sensor over his swollen stomach. It had a proper name but Castiel had been too nervous to listen when Ruby had talked him through the logistics.  
  
Neither Meg nor Ruby seemed concerned by the fact he’d come alone.  Castiel didn’t even have a friend to wait with him. Gabriel had finally managed to get a job interview and Castiel really didn’t begrudge him the chance of getting a job. He just missed his brother at moments like this. It would have been better with Gabriel there, making sarcastic comments but still being there, still supporting him. Ruby was brisk and efficient. Meg just wasn’t interested.  
  
Castiel felt he should have had someone with him when he saw his baby for the first time.  
  
It should have been Dean. Dean should have been there at his side, Dean should be as excited as he was about this moment but they hadn’t spoken in four months. Dean had cut all contact with him and after the first few times his calls went straight to voice mail Castiel stopped trying. He didn’t think Dean would have appreciated a message on his phone inviting him to Castiel’s ultrasound scan.  
  
He knew Dean wouldn’t have come. Even so, Castiel still wanted him there.  
  
It was cold and it was lonely and not for the first time Castiel wondered if he was doing the right thing by having the baby.  
  
“There we are,” Ruby said, interrupting his thoughts. She reached out and turned the little monitor she’d been staring at towards Castiel. “That’s your baby.”  
  
The screen showed a tiny, blurry little grey creature, unmistakably human and wiggling. Castiel stared at it and swallowed down the sudden knot in his throat. It was real. It was there, small and still growing. He’d seen himself getting bigger, he’d thrown up in the mornings, he’d been through twenty one weeks of feeling the physical effects of being pregnant but this was the first time he’d seen the baby and it was the first time it really came home to him that at the end of nine months there was going to be a real, living, breathing baby in his arms – a person in its own right.  
  
“Leaves you kind of speechless, doesn’t it?” Meg said, looking up from his file. She smiled. It wasn’t unkind. It was the second surprise in as many minutes that took Castiel’s breath away.  
  
“It’s real,” he murmured.  
  
“He’s real,” Ruby said, grinning.  
  
“He? A boy?” Castiel stared at the screen. He repeated it over and over in his head, he was having a boy. He bit his lip, the happiness he felt fading as he realized Dean really should be there with him, receiving the news. He should know he was having a son.    
  
“What? Were you hoping for a girl?” Meg asked, frowning.  
  
“No, I just….I thought the father should be here,” Castiel said.  
  
“I thought you said he was a loser who didn’t want any part in the baby’s life,” Meg said. Castiel bristled with anger on Dean’s behalf.  
  
“He’s not a loser. He’s just….things are very difficult,” he said. Meg and Ruby exchanged pitying glances and Castiel grew even more angry. He was tired of people feeling sorry for him, of thinking he was stupid, even if they didn’t say it, for continuing the pregnancy. He had made his choice and he was determined to see it through. It might have cost him his friendship with Dean but that seemed to be the best thing in the end. Castiel still couldn’t stop loving him, even though Dean had proved that he couldn’t love him back. It was probably a blessing in disguise that Castiel was on his own with the baby. He could keep loving Dean, could raise his son without having to see Dean married and happy away from him.  
  
“We can print you a picture of the sonogram if you like?” Ruby asked. Maybe she’d seen Castiel’s blood pressure rising or maybe she’d just seen too many people like Castiel, doing what she thought was the wrong thing, but whatever the reason she was back to completely professional.  
  
“Yes,” Castiel said. He wanted a picture. He wanted to keep it in his wallet and look at it every time someone gave him a pitying glance or looked at his hand for a wedding ring or asked if his husband wasn’t too happy for words with their good luck? Castiel hated the way they shut down and excused themselves when he said he wasn’t married.  
  
Some people immediately turned away in disgust when they saw him. Castiel had been spat at, insulted, jostled by people who went out of their way to elbow him painfully in the stomach. There where any number of people in the world who thought that men shouldn’t get pregnant and who were happy to show their displeasure in any way they saw fit. Other men had been attacked, had lost their baby because someone else thought they were an affront to nature. Castiel was lucky, he kept telling himself that. He’d feel more certain in that every time he could look in his wallet and see the sonogram. It would be a little sign reminding him he was doing the right thing.  
  
“Great. I’ll get that printed off for you. The baby’s growing fine, he’s right on track,” Ruby said.  
  
“Isn’t that great?” Meg said. “Now you can go home and I won’t have to see you for another month.”  
  
“Believe me, I couldn’t be happier,” Castiel said through gritted teeth.  
  
**  
  
Castiel drove home slowly. His mind wasn’t on the road, but on the photo safely tucked away in his wallet. He’d have to start thinking of a name. Before it had just been ‘the baby’, now it was something else completely. He had to do things, had to finish packing up. He was moving in a week, he had boxes everywhere, his life packed away but he hadn’t bought a single piece of furniture for the baby yet. He hadn’t even thought about decorating. He’d been preoccupied with moving him and Gabriel into a new apartment.  
  
He’d been worrying about his brother, about the fact that Gabriel didn’t have a job, about the fact that Gabriel wanted to stay with him after the baby was born to help him. He’d been worried that Gabriel was never going to get a job, that he was using the fact that Castiel was having a baby as an excuse. Now though, he wondered if Gabriel hadn’t seen things more clearly than he had. Castiel had just been thinking about being pregnant, not about the fact that at the end of nine months there was going to be a real, living, breathing child that relied on him for everything.    
  
He’d planned to go right back to work after the baby was born. He hadn’t thought about child care though, he hadn’t tried to get a place for the baby in a nursery. He hadn’t thought about how much it would cost or the fact that he might want to stay at home, at least for a little while. Maybe Gabriel had thought of that. He was offering free childcare, the support of family when Castiel didn’t have a lot of support. It almost made Castiel feel guilty, although he still suspected that Gabriel was motivated by the desire to stay home all day.  He also suspected that Gabriel wasn’t trying as hard at his job interview as he could have.  
  
Castiel took the off-ramp, his thoughts still preoccupied with Gabriel and the baby and what would be the best thing for them all to do. He drove without noticing signs, so used to the road now that it was second nature to him. The traffic was lighter down this stretch of the road. He could see the lights of the town in the distance. He hadn’t checked his phone when he came out of the hospital. He wondered if there was a message from Gabriel on it, he wondered how the interview had gone and if he was being unfair to Gabriel, harboring suspicions about his brother’s true intentions. Gabriel could be waiting back at the apartment to tell him the good news. Castiel put his foot down on the gas, but to his surprise the car didn’t speed up. If anything it started to gradually slow down.  
  
He reapplied his foot with a gentle but firm pressure and felt the car judder. Something was wrong. The car continued to slow, continued to judder as if the gas wasn’t getting through to the engine or was only getting through in little spurts, causing the strange leap-frogging effect. Castiel didn’t want to be in the middle of the road when it finally decided to stop all together. He checked his mirror and indicated, pulling off and parking up on the side of the road. He got out of the car, dragging his coat and phone with him and stood back from the car, mindful that accidents could still occur even though his warning lights were on. It was safer for him to be out of the car than waiting inside it.  
  
His phone showed as having low signal so Castiel walked up and down the road till finally the second bar filled up. There was no missed message from Gabriel. Castiel debated if he should call Gabriel first or the repair company. Gabriel couldn’t come and pick him up; he relied on Castiel to drive him around. He’d only end up worrying Gabriel. It was best to phone the repair company and then call Gabriel once someone was out working on the car.  
  
Castiel was about to call when he noticed another car indicating and pulling in behind his own. It was a sleek, vintage car – black and polished, obviously well cared for and Castiel’s heart sank because he knew who owned that car. A few seconds later there was Dean, slamming the car door behind him, shielding his eyes with a hand and walking towards Castiel.  
  
“Hey, do you need some help?” he called. His expression clouded as he got nearer to Castiel, able to see exactly who it was he’d stopped to help. “Oh, it’s you.”  
  
“The car isn’t working,” Castiel explained. Dean continued to look at him as if he thought Castiel had pulled to the side of the road knowing Dean would stop for him. While Castiel knew that Dean liked to see himself a hero, riding into situations and rescuing people, he hadn’t known Dean was going to be driving behind him and even if he had, he wouldn’t have pulled the car over on the off-chance that Dean might stop for him. “I think there’s something wrong with the engine, the fuel doesn’t seem to be getting to it.”  
  
Dean’s frown only intensified. “Sounds like it’s gonna need to be pulled,” he said. “I’ll call Bobby and see if he can come out.”  
  
“I can phone triple A,” Castiel said.

 

  
He really didn’t want to bother Dean.  He’d been thinking about Dean all afternoon, the idea of him at least, but now that Dean was here scowling and frowning and carrying on, Castiel wished that it had been any one else who’d stopped. Dean didn’t want to be near him, was probably fighting against every instinct that told him to go back to his car and leave Castiel where he was. Castiel could make it easy for both of them. One quick phone call and Dean could be on his way and Castiel wouldn’t have to bear the brunt of Dean’s bad company any longer.  
  
“Why bother? I can get Bobby to do it and then I’ll take a look at it when it’s in the shop,” Dean said tersely.    
  
“I’m not convinced you won’t cut my break lines,” Castiel said. He was joking but only partly.  
  
Dean threw his hands up in their air, aggravation written into every line of his face.  He turned away from Castiel and stomped a little way down the road. For a moment Castiel thought he was leaving him and he thought maybe that was better. Dean had been talking about fixing Castiel’s car himself. That would mean they’d have to see each other again and it had been Dean who’d decided that they should break off all contact first.  
  
Castiel didn’t know if he could stand Dean coming back into his life, trying to repair their friendship, especially if this was what Dean thought of as repairing things. The last time he’d tried it had been burgers, now it was offering to fix Castiel’s car but it never fixed what was actually wrong and it couldn’t fix it. Castiel was in love with Dean, Dean was straight. Nothing could fix that.  
  
He watched Dean, convinced he wasn’t coming back but then Dean turned, stomping back up to him, stopping only a few centimetres away from Castiel.  
  
“You know what, Cas? Just get in the car – my car! – I’ll drive you back into town,” he snapped. Dean shoved his hands in his pocket and turned away, walking back to the Impala. He obviously thought he’d said something final, something that settled things. Castiel didn’t feel that things were settled, far from it, but he found himself following Dean. It was second nature to him.  
  
“You don’t have to do this,” he said as he reached the car.  
  
“Do you think I want to see you?” Dean opened the passenger side door for him, waving his hand to try and hurry Castiel along. “I’m not gonna leave you stranded out here, not in your condition. Just get in the damn car.”    
  
Castiel slid into the passenger seat, jumping as Dean slammed the door. He watched Dean stalk around the front of the car but turned away when his door opened. Castiel reached for his seat belt instead, fiddling with it. Soon the bump would be too big for him to wear a seat belt comfortably. He wouldn’t be able to drive then. He’d have to see about getting Gabriel on his car insurance before then. That was another of the little changes he’d have to make.  
  
The engine started, purring into life and Dean carefully merged into traffic. Even if Dean was angry with him, even if he’d rather he’d stopped to help anybody but Castiel, Castiel was still glad he’d stopped. He didn’t want to admit it, not to himself and certainly not to Dean, but he felt safe in the Impala. He felt safe with Dean driving. He felt as if he belonged in the passenger seat, right beside Dean.  His wallet was in his coat pocket, the weight of the sonogram picture suddenly heavier than it could ever have really been. Dean hadn’t asked about the baby, he’d made a comment about Castiel’s condition but that was as far as he’d gone in acknowledging Castiel’s pregnancy. He probably didn’t want to know about the sonogram picture.  
  
That didn’t stop Castiel being very aware of the weight in his pocket as Dean drove them back to town.  
  
**  
  
Dean thought that Castiel would have something to say to him but they drove in silence. Dean considered putting on a tape but didn’t bother. He didn’t have a mix for uncomfortable, awkward situations. With anyone else he would have put on the loudest music he could think of and blasted it till they gave in and decided talking was better than Dean’s music tastes. Well, Sam would have and Sam was the person he was usually stuck in uncomfortable silences with. Castiel was different. He had always been different. Dean’s usual tricks didn’t work on him.  
  
Dean pulled the car to a stop outside Castiel’s apartment building. Castiel peered out of the window and frowned.  
  
“Gabriel’s out. The lights are off,” he said. Dean got the feeling that he was talking to himself.  
  
“Yeah,” he said. “I might be able to give you a head start there. He’s out with Sam. Apparently he got this job he went in for. He’ll be running the dinner shift at the local diner, fixing fries. Him and Sam are hitting the town for one last night of freedom.”  
  
Castiel paled visibly. “He got the job?”  
  
“Yeah, isn’t that a good thing? You were always saying he needed to do something with his life.”  
  
“Yes, I just thought…..” Castiel shook his head. “It’s going to make things difficult, that’s all.”  
  
“Oh, right,” Dean said, not really understand what the problem was but not wanting to ask. He had a feeling it had something to do with Castiel’s condition. Dean didn’t want to know about the baby or how Castiel was coping or anything like that. He got second hand information from Sam, who got it from Gabriel. He knew that Castiel was doing okay, that the baby was growing the way it was supposed to. The critical first three months had passed. Sam chattered away, speculated on the father, begrudging Dean for the fact that he had stopped talking to Cas. Sam thought it was because of the pregnancy, although he hadn’t guessed exactly why, which Dean was grateful for. He’d still had to endure a lecture on latent homophobia but Sam had probably been itching to give him that lecture for months. Dean had just tuned him out.  
  
He heard the sound of the car door opening and turned his head, realizing that while he’d been spacing out Castiel had been extracting himself from the car – slowly, carefully, easing himself out but not waiting for Dean to help him.  
  
“Hey,” he said, pushing his own door open and jumping out. He rushed around the front, just in time to help Castiel out. He took hold of Castiel’s hand, placing his own hand onto the small of Castiel’s back to help ease him out. “You only had to ask.”  
  
“I can manage on my own. I get in and out of my own car fine!” Castiel said irritably.    
  
“Yeah, well, my car’s different,” Dean said, unable to supress a smile. He realized that he let Castiel go yet and he didn’t think he was going to. “Come on, let’s get you upstairs.”  
  
“I’m pregnant, Dean, not an invalid,” Castiel sounded bemused, which was a good sign. He didn’t seem to be pulling away. If anything he was leaning closer.  
  
Dean had nearly got back in his car when he’d first realized it was Castiel up on the side of the road. He’d been so angry at himself for not noticing it was Castiel’s car, then angry with himself for even thinking about leaving Castiel stranded there. He wasn’t even really angry with Castiel anymore. He wished Castiel wasn’t pregnant but it wasn’t like it was something he could control. Cas was gonna make his own choices, had always made his own choices. Dean was more upset with himself because if he’d never slept with Castiel, then Castiel couldn’t have got pregnant and Dean wouldn’t have been experiencing life in a circle of Hell for the last few months. He was guilty for walking out on Cas, guilty for getting him pregnant, guilty for keeping the whole thing from Anna.  
  
The very least Dean could do was to get Castiel up to his apartment and make sure he was settled before he left. It didn’t exactly fix things but it was a start.  
  
They had a moment on the top of the stairs where Castiel thought he’d left his keys in his car but he found them eventually in the inside pocket of his coat. A little fumbling later and they were in inside the apartment. Dean had never seen it so bare. All of Castiel’s stuff was gone – pictures off the walls, pots and pans put away, computer packed up. There were boxes on every available surface, even a few cluttering the floor.  
  
“You’re moving?” Dean asked. “What happened? Did you lose your job?”  
  
Castiel shot him an odd look and pulled away. “No, I didn’t lose my job, Dean. I’m moving to a bigger apartment. I need room for the baby.”  
  
“Oh,” Dean said. “I just thought, you know, maybe your work….”  
  
“They’re very understanding actually,” Castiel said.  
  
“Yeah? How are your family taking it?” Dean asked. He wished there was something he could pick up and play with. His hands felt empty, his fingers itched for something to do. He took the lid off the nearest box, peering inside it. “Did you tell them that I’m the father?”  
  
“Has Michael been around to knock your teeth out?” Castiel asked sarcastically. “No, I haven’t told them. I didn’t think it was any of their business.”  
  
“Don’t they care?”  
  
“Of course they do. I just said it was a one night stand, that’s almost the truth.”  
  
“Right, and how are they taking that?” Dean asked.  
  
“Not well. I know Michael would rather I was married. He keeps telling me that a child needs both parents. I don’t know how Adam puts up with him.”  
  
“Yeah, well, Michael’s stupid and old fashioned,” Dean said, putting the lid back on the box and turning to face Castiel again. “You’re gonna be a great dad, Cas.”  
  
“I hope so,” Castiel said. He slipped off his coat, turning his back on Dean to hang it up on one of the coat pegs beside the door.  
  
He turned back to Dean, his hands at his sides, biting his lip nervously as he let Dean get a good look at him without a bulky coat obscuring most of the view.  
  
“Whoa,” Dean said. He’d been expecting Castiel to be showing by now but he hadn’t been expecting it to be as obvious as it was. “You sure you’ve not got twins in there, Cas?”  
  
Castiel shook his head. “No, I had a sonogram today. Just one baby, a little boy.”  
  
“A boy?”  
  
“Yes,” Castiel said. He looked torn for a moment, as if he was trying to decide something and then turned away from Dean, reaching into his coat pocket. He took out his wallet and tossed it across to Dean who caught it clumsily. “There’s a picture of him in there. I thought you might want to see him.”  
  
Dean open the wallet carefully, worried that he’d rip the picture if he was too quick. He pulled the picture out and stared at it. For a moment he didn’t breath. It was real, completely real. His baby was growing inside Castiel, his son. He was going to be a dad. He couldn’t pretend it wasn’t happening or that he didn’t have some tie to the baby. He felt it. It was his and Dean couldn’t deny it.  
  
“Cas,” he said, his voice choked with emotion. He couldn’t find the words.  
  
Castiel took the picture from him, looking at it with undisguised love. “I know,” he said. “I know.”  
  
“Can I touch you?” Dean asked. He didn’t want to presume. Just because Castiel had shown him the picture didn’t mean he wanted Dean to have anything else to do with the baby. Dean hadn’t exactly shown himself in the best light before. He wanted to touch Castiel’s bump though. The picture was one thing but touching would make it real.  
  
“Yes,” Castiel said. “He’s just started moving. It’s very light still.”  
  
“What? He’s moving right now?”  
  
“No, I just meant I’ve only been able to feel him recently,” Castiel said, smiling.  
  
“Uh, I guess I’m not up to date on the milestones, huh?” Dean said, cursing himself silently. He had missed so much. Castiel had been alone. Not completely alone, Dean knew he had family and obviously doctors but that wasn’t the same. Dean was the father. He should have been there.  
  
He pressed his hand to Castiel’s swollen stomach, imagining the baby growing inside. He thought he felt the faintest flicker of something, hardly anything and he could have been imagining it but one look at Castiel’s face confirmed he wasn’t.  
  
“He’s moving now,” Castiel said quietly. His cheeks glowed, his eyes alight with pleasure and Dean wondered how he’d managed to stay away for so long. Castiel was luminous in his beauty. Being pregnant suited him. Dean found himself struggling to think of something to say, swept away by a feeling of complete and total love. It was supposed to be for the baby, for his son, but it was for Castiel too. Dean couldn’t look at him now, the way he was, and not fall completely, head-over-heels in love with him.  
  
“I know I’ve missed a lot of milestones, Cas,” he said slowly, looking up at Castiel, meeting his eye. “I want to be there for the rest of them.” 

 

  
Castiel nodded, licking his lips and Dean didn’t need more on an invitation that that. He surged forward and kissed Castiel, burying one hand in Castiel’s hair, the other hand pressed possessively against his bump. It was primal. Castiel was his, carrying his baby. Dean couldn’t stand to keep the touches innocent. He needed to have all of Cas, needed to show him just how much he loved him.  
  
“Cas,” he murmured, breaking the kiss. “You have no idea what you do to me.”  
  
“Dean,” Castiel looked worried, uncertain and Dean kissed the corner of his mouth, trying to stop him from looking so sad.  
  
“I was so stupid before,” he muttered. “I want this, Cas. I want you. You have no idea how much I want you right now.”  
  
Castiel swallowed, licking his lips again and then he drew Dean in for another kiss. They stumbled towards the bedroom together, Dean taking care to guide Castiel around the boxes. Castiel’s bedroom was as bare as the rest of the house but the bed was made. It looked warm and inviting and Dean wanted in it, and then in Cas.  
  
He shrugged off his jacket, tugged off his shirt and then moved back to Castiel, unbuttoning his shirt and slipping to his knees in front of the other man. He pressed a kiss to the swell of Castiel’s bump, still unable to comprehend the full magnitude of the gift Castiel had given him. He was going to be a father. It was something Dean had always wanted, something he’d thought would come later but it was here now and Dean wanted to step up to the challenge and be the best father he could possibly be.  
  
“You look so beautiful,” he said.  Castiel reached out, stroking his fingers through Dean’s short hair, clutching at him as if he couldn’t believe Dean was really there.  
  
“I’ve dreamed about this,” he said softly. “I dreamed about you.”  
  
Dean stood up, taking Cas in his arms, holding him. “I’m real, Cas. This is real. You and me, and our baby. It’s real.”  
  
Castiel kissed him then, determined and passionate. He pushed Dean back towards the bed and Dean went gratefully, toppling over himself in his hurry to get out of his pants and into the bed. He managed to free himself from his jeans, kicking them off, socks and underwear following. He’d tried to piece together how he’d done this drunk, if he’d been rough or if he’d been gentle, if he’d needed the drink to forget that Cas was a man and get hard for him, but he found he didn’t need any Dutch courage now. He probably hadn’t even needed it then. His cock was hard already, had been since he’d pressed up against Cas and kissed him. Dean wrapped his fingers around himself, stroking as he watched Castiel undress, carefully, slowly, like a torturous striptease designed just to drive Dean out of his mind with lust.  
  
Castiel stripped out of his underwear last and Dean was able to see him just as he was. His nipples were red and swollen, his hands protectively pressed over the bump and over the stretch marks that were starting to show as he got bigger. His cock was half hard, looking so pretty and small compared to the rest of him. Dean wanted to kiss every inch of his skin, lathe those sore looking nipples with his tongue, kiss every stretch mark, suck down Castiel’s cock till he had the other man begging for release.  
  
For a moment he didn’t care what those thoughts meant or what his sexuality was or if wanting to suck Castiel’s cock threatened his masculinity. He just wanted Castiel in bed so he could thoroughly explore every inch of his beautiful body. He wanted to remember this. He didn’t want it to be like the last time, snatches of memory. He wanted every second.  
  
“Come here,” he said, his voice low and rough with desire. “What do you want me to do to you, Cas? You got to tell me or I’m gonna do everything.”  
  
Castiel’s cheeks flushed, pink and pretty and he crawled onto the bed, nestling into Dean’s arms.  
  
“We have to be careful,” he said.

 

  
  
Dean bit the inside of his mouth, swallowing down the darkest bits of his desire. Castiel was right. They needed to be careful. Castiel was precious and the baby inside him was precious. As much as Dean had fantasies about tying Castiel to the headboard and getting him to scream, or turning him over his knee and seeing if he could make Castiel’s ass as pretty and pink as his cheeks, he couldn’t do it now.  
  
“You tell me what to do then, Cas,” he said. He’d let Cas tell him what was right or wrong, what he could take and what he couldn’t. Dean wanted so badly to touch Castiel and to keep touching him, to make him come but he’d do it the way Castiel wanted. Everything, anything would be enough for Dean.  
  
Castiel rolled away from him for a second, reaching into a bedside drawer for something that had obviously not been packed away like everything else. It was a tube of lubricant and Dean thought he caught the glimpse of something hard, plastic and cock shaped before Castiel shut the drawer. It sent shivers down his spine imagining Castiel fucking himself open on a toy, maybe calling out Dean’s name and pretending it was him instead of some fake-cock inside him. He’d have to get Cas to show him at some point. The thought of watching Cas, of seeing how he touched himself, how he made himself come, made Dean groan. He gripped his cock hard, squeezing it just on the right side of pain. He didn’t want to come now, prematurely like some teenager over just the thought of Castiel.  
  
He caught Castiel staring at him, obviously enjoying watching Dean touching himself. Maybe, not tonight, they’d have to give each other a show. Castiel’s cock was completely hard now, completely gorgeous too, and if Castiel didn’t get on with it and tell Dean what he wanted then Dean was going to get down on his knees and see if Castiel tasted as good as he looked.  
  
He nodded towards the tube in Castiel’s hand, trying to draw the other man back to what they should be doing, to their plans. “Come on, Cas. You can have me however you want me.”  
  
That seemed to snap Castiel out of it. He met Dean’s eye, his cheeks still lightly pink and Dean loved that he could look so innocent at a time like this. Everything about Castiel was debauched. His swollen stomach was proof that they’d done this before; that he’d taken Dean’s cock, his seed, deep inside him but Castiel still looked as blushing and innocent as a virgin. It drove Dean mad with desire.  
  
“Cas,” he coaxed again and Castiel thrust the tube into his hand.  
  
“I want you inside me,” he said breathlessly.  
  
Dean bit his cheek again, desperate not to come too soon, especially not before he got inside Castiel. He remembered the sweet, tight heat of being in Castiel. He remembered it every time he was in the shower with a moment on his own. He wanted to be back inside Castiel so badly but he needed to take his time, to go slowly. He wasn’t going to hurt Castiel.  
  
“What position?” he asked, leaning across to steal a kiss from Castiel’s mouth before he could reply. Castiel wrapped his arms around him, keeping him still and for a few moments they just kissed. It was wonderful just to kiss Castiel, to press against him and feel his heart beating. Finally Castel pushed him away, smiling when Dean tried to kiss him again, evading him and keeping him at arms-length, shaking with silent mirth. It was so good for Dean to see Castiel smiling. He wanted to keep him this happy forever.  
  
“Positions!” Castiel said as Dean find a weak spot in his defences and pressed up against him, kissing Castiel’s neck. Castiel gasped, his eye lashes fluttering but he fought to keep his eyes open and not give in to him before he’d had his say. “I want you close to me. I want you to hold me.”  
  
“Mmm, I can spoon up behind you?” Dean suggested. That way he could hold Castiel, he could go slow and he could keep a hand on that beautiful bump. Castiel nodded eagerly. Dean gently pressed him down onto the bed, wanting to spend a little time getting Castiel stretched and ready for him. He nudged Castiel’s legs apart and up, settling between them. He could see Castiel’s hole – dark pink and puckered, looking so inviting that Dean almost wanted to dive forward and kiss it too. He wondered what Castiel would taste like, what little noises he’d make while Dean rimmed him. Could he make Castiel come just from fucking him on his tongue?  
  
Castiel squirmed and Dean realized he’d been staring. He uncapped the tube of lube and poured a little into his hand. He got his fingers coated, leaving the tube at his side in case he needed more. He could remember Castiel coating his own fingers in lube, working himself open for Dean because Dean was too clumsy to do it. Not this time. This time he was going to show Castiel that he knew what he was doing, that he could make Castiel feel good just from taking Dean’s fingers.  
  
He turned his head, kissing the crook of Castiel’s knee and gripped Castiel’s leg with his free hand, keeping his legs spread. He pressed his lube-coated thumb against Castiel’s hole, rubbing back and forth slowly, taking his time. Castiel bit his lip, his breath hitching in his throat but slowly his body opened up to Dean. Dean applied just a little bit of pressure, feeling the tight little ring of muscle give and his thumb sink in to the delicious heat of Castiel’s body.    
  
He stopped then, letting Castiel adjust to him. Castiel whimpered, rocking his hips when he wanted Dean to move and Dean complied, circling his thumb, working Castiel wider with each circle. He pressed one finger in alongside his thumb, enjoying the way Castiel immediately clamped down on them. Castiel was still going to feel tight when Dean fucked him even if he worked him up to taking four of his fingers and his hole was gaping at the end of it. Castiel couldn’t help it, he’d clench up all tight on Dean’s cock.  
  
Dean scissored his finger and thumb, trying to get Castiel to relax, to open up to him but Castiel bucked his hips determinedly, rocking himself back and forth, fucking himself on the fingers inside him.  
  
“You need this, don’t you?” Dean asked, licking his lips. He had to keep reminding himself about careful and slow. He just wanted to flip Castiel over and pound into him. Castiel looked like he needed a good, hard fucking. Dean was the last one who’d held him, the last man Castiel had let love him. He wanted to be the only one from now on.    
  
Dean pushed a second finger in, reaching for the tube again as he spread his fingers, holding Castiel open. He poured at least half of it into Castiel’s spread hole, thrusting his fingers in and out, making sure Castiel was wet. He didn’t think there was such a thing as too much lube. Cas was still tight no matter how many of Dean’s fingers he took. Cas liked it though. He kept grinding back down on the fingers inside of him, clenching around them and making little gasping sounds that went straight to Dean’s dick.  
  
“Dean,” Castiel whimpered. “Dean, please.”  
  
“I gotta do this right, Cas. I gotta do you right,” Dean said, turning his head to press another little kiss to Castiel’s milky white thighs. He wondered if these parts of Castiel ever saw the sun. It was a crying shame for them to be hidden. All of Castiel was so perfect. Dean would have to tempt him to get undressed more often, maybe even tempt him to go outside and be beautiful and unashamed and undressed in the great outdoors.  
  
“Dean, I’m ready,” Castiel said, his voice taking on a breathless, serious note. Dean chuckled softly. He was tempted to keep teasing Cas, keep working him open with his fingers until Castiel came but that wasn’t what Castiel had asked for, and Dean had promised he’d do what Castiel wanted. He eased his fingers from Cas’s spread hole, taking a moment just to enjoy the view of Castiel open and ready for him.  
  
Castiel gripped Dean’s shoulder, pulling him up till they were face to face. He pulled Dean in for a kiss and Dean carefully kept his weight off Castiel and off the bump. He broke the kiss, settling at Castiel’s side, spooning behind him, wrapping his arms protectively around Castiel. “Bossy, aren’t you, Cas?” he said, pressing a kiss to Castiel’s shoulder.  
  
“You’re here, I don’t want to wait any longer,” Castiel said, turning his head so he could kiss along Dean’s jaw. “You might leave again.” His eyes were unguarded, the fear in them real.  
  
“I am never leaving,” Dean said. He reached for Castiel’s hand and gripped it tight. “Cas, I couldn’t. Not now.”  
  
That seemed enough for Castiel. He smiled, fleeting, stunning and so rare that it hurt Dean to see it. It reminded him of all the times Castiel hadn’t smiled. He wanted to make Castiel happy. He wanted to ensure that he was never the one hurting Castiel again. Maybe he’d always felt something for Castiel, maybe he’d pushed it down deep inside and ignored it or maybe it was something recent but Dean knew that what he was feeling now was love.  He didn’t think it would change or stop. He didn’t think it was possible. When he was driving Castiel home, even though it had been cold and awkward between them, he hadn’t wanted Castiel to leave, to disappear out of his life again.  
  
“I’ve been miserable without you,” he said, squeezing Castiel tightly.  
  
“I thought you didn’t want to see me,” Castiel said.  
  
“I thought so too, but I don’t know what I want,” Dean said, holding Castiel to him. He’d almost walked out of Castiel’s life forever. He’d almost left him and their son. If it hadn’t been for a quirk of fate, Castiel’s car breaking down, Dean driving down that same road, then they might have gone on avoiding each other.  Dean shuddered. He didn’t want to think about where he would have been. He wanted to stay in the here and now, in Castiel’s bed, with Castiel in his arms. “Fuck it, Cas, why’d you let me be such an idiot?”  
  
“I love you,” Castiel said simply. “Changing you wouldn’t be any good.”  
  
Dean swallowed down the lump in his throat, unprepared for the fact that Castiel could still love him when he’d been such an ass before. He didn’t know how Castiel could be so forgiving, so accepting of him but he was so thankful that Castiel was. He hugged him a little tighter, taking a moment just to bask in his good fortune before his cock twitched, reminding Dean that they were both naked and their good fortune wasn’t over.  
  
He gripped his cock, lining the head of it up against Castiel’s hole and slowly, very slowly, slid forward. He bit his lip, supressing a groan at the tight heat of Castiel’s body and listen instead to the sounds Castiel was making, listening for any sound of pain. Castiel didn’t seem in pain though. He tipped his head back, resting against Dean’s shoulder, his eyes closed, his expression pure and blissful. Dean stilled for a moment to look at him and Castiel opened his eyes, rocking his hips backwards demandingly.

 

 

  
  
“Don’t stop,” he said. Dean smiled, more than happy to follow those orders. He kept his strokes slow, pushing forward as far as he could and just rolling his hips. The position didn’t call for fucking into Castiel like a jackhammer. It was all slow, languid. Love-making but Dean didn’t use words like that. He didn’t think he’d even be hitting Castiel’s prostate this way but that didn’t seem to be a problem for Castiel, he seemed to like it just the way it was. Dean hadn’t done a lot of research on gay sex, just the stuff he’d seen in porn but he’d gathered the prostate was kind of a big thing.  
  
“You like this, Cas?” he asked.  
  
“Mmm, don’t stop,” Castiel mumbled.  
  
Dean guessed if Cas was already descending into little moans to show his approval than Dean must be doing something right. He kept rolling his hips and slid one of his hands down between Castiel’s legs, finding Cas’s own cock hard and leaking. He wrapped his fingers around it, stroking in time with his thrusts, nice and slow. It was better than all those thoughts Dean had had about tying Castiel up and all that other kinky shit. He still had Castiel moaning for him, begging him sweetly as he rocked between Dean’s hand on his cock and Dean’s cock inside him.  
  
He could take things gentle, could be so loving and Castiel would still be completely at his mercy. It was everything Dean had wanted but better still because he was adoring Castiel, treating him like he was supposed to be treated, making him feel so good and all they were doing was spooning. He still wanted to do everything he could to Castiel, still wanted to pin him to the bed and lick him all over, but he wanted this too – he wanted gentle, he wanted loving, he wanted to drive Castiel out of his mind just with soft, slow strokes.  
  
Dean was so close himself, just skirting the edge. Castiel was so responsive and that had always been the best thing for Dean. He wanted to watch his partner fall apart, wanted to bring them to the edge and make them feel so good. He wanted to be the best Cas had ever had, wanted to be the only one Cas would ever want.  
  
“You’re so beautiful, Cas,” he whispered, pressing another kiss to Castiel’s shoulder then biting, hearing Castiel’s gasp of shock. He pulled away, smiling at the little purple mark he’d left behind. “I want to mark you up all over, Cas. I want everyone to know you’re mine. Want them all to see you, see that bump and these marks and know that you belong with me.”  
  
Castiel cried out, his voice low and strained, and then he was coming, splashing over Dean’s fingers and gripping him tight. Dean shoved his hips forward, burying his cock deep in Castiel and bit him again, riding out his own orgasm, feeling it dragged out of him as Castiel squirmed and sobbed through his aftershocks. Dean closed his eyes, suddenly exhausted. His cock twitched, the last few drops of come leaking from the head and Dean opened his eyes again. He couldn’t just fall asleep on Cas. Carefully he eased his spent cock free and gently rolled Cas on to his back. Cas had his eyes closed, breathing heavily but he was smiling. Dean kissed his smiling mouth, unable to stop himself. Castiel was such a gorgeous sight like this – fucked out and happy.  
  
He settled down next to Cas, wondering if he should stay. It wasn’t as if he wanted to roll out of bed and get on his way now the deed was done. He wanted to stay, to spoon up behind Castiel and hold him through the night but he didn’t know if he should. What was the etiquette here? Would Cas want him to get out? Dean had kind of sprung this all on him. He might want to be alone, might want to take stock in what they’d done, what Dean had said. Then there’d be Sam. He’d notice if Dean didn’t come home. He might get suspicious, might call Anna.  
  
Dean swallowed down the bubble of guilt that rose in his throat when he thought of Anna. He wouldn’t think about her now. He couldn’t think about her now. He hadn’t thought about her all the time he’d been fucking Cas and he wasn’t about to while he was lying in bed with Cas. He couldn’t have second thoughts now. That wasn’t fair to Castiel. Tomorrow Dean could face the fact that he’d cheated on his fiancé, tomorrow he could face the mess that he’d made of his life but now he just wanted to fall asleep with Cas in his arms and wake up in the morning to a world where he and Cas were in love and having a baby.  
  
All his fears, all his doubts, they’d have to wait until he drove home in the morning. He wasn’t about to let them spoil everything that was good and right about the here and now.  
  
“Can I stay?” Dean asked, tracing his fingertips along the dark purple mark he’d left on Castiel’s shoulder. Castiel nodded, wiggling a little till he was comfortable. He reached for the covers, tugging at them, then between the two of them Dean and Castiel managed to get the sheets pulled over the top of them. Castiel settled back on to his side and Dean curled behind him, peppering kisses to the back of Castiel’s neck, stroking his hands over the bump. He let his eyes stray around the room, to the boxes everywhere. Soon Castiel would be leaving this apartment. He’d be going somewhere else. It really was the luckiest coincidence that Dean had stopped tonight. Castiel could have moved somewhere Dean didn’t know to follow him.  
  
“Will you let me help you move?” he asked. “You should be carrying all these boxes, not in your condition.”  
  
“Gabriel’s going to help,” Castiel mumbled sleepily. “But I’d like it if you wanted to help too,” he yawned. “I need to pick out furniture for the baby’s room.”  
  
Dean wondered if Castiel had been waiting, hoping that he’d come around so he could share these things with him. If that was the case, it probably wasn’t something he’d done consciously but Dean was still grateful that there was still so much left for him to be involved with.  
  
“Yeah? I think I could even decorate that baby’s room for you, Cas,” he said.  
  
He waited for Cas to reply but all he got was a muffled grunt. Castiel was obviously too tired to talk anymore and Dean didn’t think they needed to say anything else. He was staying, he was going to help Cas to move, he was going to be a part of his baby’s life. Everything else he could work out tomorrow. Right now though, Dean closed his eyes and fell asleep with Castiel held tight against him.  His sleep was dreamless and peaceful for the first time in a long time. There was no phantom Castiel haunting him, reminding him of his failure and of desires unexpressed. There was only the real Castiel sleeping peacefully beside him.  
  
**  
  
Dean drove home early the next morning, leaving Castiel in the nearly empty kitchen with a cup of decaffeinated instant coffee. Castiel had waved off Dean’s attempts to make him breakfast. He had said he wasn’t hungry, that the smell of anything besides coffee made him nauseous in the morning and that was the truth, but he’d also wanted a little space, a little time away from Dean to collect his thoughts and really think about what he’d done the night before.  
  
He stroked his fingers up and down the side of his coffee cup, warming them. He wasn’t thirsty. Instead Castiel felt oddly numb. He kept replaying the night before in his mind, still not completely convinced it had happened the way he remembered it. Dean had been angry at first, cold and distant, snapping at him but that had changed, he’d mellowed as he’d got a good look at Castiel and at the baby bump. The sonogram picture had done more good than Castiel could ever have hoped it could do.  
  
Dean had kissed him and Castiel hadn’t even thought to resist. He’d been so happy to see Dean again, so overwhelmed that he hadn’t even thought about what would happen in the morning. Dean had said everything Castiel had wanted to hear, everything he’d been praying to hear since he found out he was pregnant.  
  
He’d wanted Dean so badly that he hadn’t asked the difficult questions. He hadn’t asked Dean what happens next, what this meant about his engagement to Anna. Dean hadn’t even apologised for the things he’d said that night when he stormed out of Castiel’s life. He’d talked about making a mistake, about missing Castiel but he had never said he was sorry.  
  
Castiel supposed he didn’t need Dean to be sorry. Dean was hardly ever apologetic; he just carried on, expecting everyone else to fall in line. Dean had never been very good with words and Castiel had learned to accept that a long time ago. Dean showed his feelings through his actions and his actions had been all about wanting and needing. Dean had made Castiel feel needed.  
  
He tapped his fingers against the rim of the mug.  
  
Dean had seemed so resolute, so determined to put things right between them that Castiel wanted to believe him. He wanted to believe that Dean would continue to stand by him, even in the harsh light of day. He wanted to believe it but he also knew what Dean was like, he knew that Dean cared about how people saw him. He wanted them to see him as some easy going ladies’ man. Castiel and their baby hardly fitted in to that image.  
  
It wasn’t as if it would be the first time Dean had said one thing then done another.  
  
Castiel was growing used to being Dean’s guilty little secret.    
  
He sighed and pressed his hand to his stomach, feeling the baby move. This time he prayed that Dean would have the strength of his convictions. He could treat Castiel however he wanted, but his son was another matter. Dean’s child shouldn’t grow up seeing his father only when it suited Dean. He should grow up being loved by both of his parents equally.  
  
Castiel could forgive Dean anything he did to him, but he didn’t think he could forgive Dean if he abandoned their child.  
  
Finally he lifted the cup to his lips and took a sip, finding the coffee had gone cold while he’d been thinking. He drank it anyway. He’s acquired a taste for cold coffee; somehow it tasted better than when it was hot. He was also craving hamburgers but nowhere was going to be open and serving them this early in the morning. He wondered if he had any frozen burgers left.  
  
One thing Castiel knew for certain was that pregnancy was making him crave the oddest food at the oddest times. He could almost stomach some of Gabriel’s strange creations.  
  
**  
  
The house was oddly quiet when Dean got home. He’d been expecting to find Gabriel there, making a mess in the kitchen, burning things and calling them Cajun. Instead the house was peaceful. Dean sniffed the air but there was no smoke or anything else. He knew that Gabriel and Sam hadn’t gone back to Castiel’s apartment last night so the only other place he’d thought they’d go would be the house.  
  
He was grateful that Gabriel wasn’t there. Dean didn’t think he would have been able to hold a civil conversation with him, not while his head was still filled with Cas and what they’d done last night. He’d end up casually asking Gabriel to pass the cock or something equally as disturbing. As it was, the house seemed empty and Dean figured he could hop in the shower and spend a good half hour in the hot water, going over all his favorite parts of last night in Technicolor glory while he stroked himself off.  
  
He bounded up the stairs but paused when he saw Sam’s bedroom door shut tight. He checked his watch and frowned. Gabriel might still be there, if his watch was correct. He didn’t remember Gabriel dragging himself out of bed until at least midday. That put a damper on Dean’s plans. Even with a locked wooded door between them, Dean didn’t want to be moaning Castiel’s name where Gabriel might hear him. He trusted Sam not to listen at doors but Gabriel was another matter.  
  
Dean grabbed a quick shower instead of the long one he’d been hoping for, scrubbing to get the smell of sweat and sex off his skin. He jerked himself off quickly, biting his lip and closing his eyes and trying to think of breasts and long legs, not Castiel and certainly not Castiel the way he’d been last night. He came with a groan, standing with his legs apart, letting the water wash away any trace of what he’d done.  
  
Dean turned off the shower, got out and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around himself. He felt relaxed, better. He could think straight now without his dick getting in the way. He opened the bathroom door and stepped out onto the landing, almost running straight into Sam. Sam was wearing only his pyjama pants and there were bright red bites running up and down his chest.  
  
“Oh,” Sam said, his face flushing red and his expression guilty. “I thought you were at Anna’s. You weren’t here when we got in last night.”  
  
“Uh, yeah,” Dean grunted, trying to make it sound as non-committal an answer as he could. He might have been with Anna for all Sam knew. It wasn’t as if Sam was going to be phoning Anna to find out where Dean had been last night. His stomach still flipped unpleasantly, the Spector of being discovered hovering around the edges of their conversation.  
  
“Gabriel’s here,” Sam said, as if Dean couldn’t have worked that out for himself. He blushed again. Dean didn’t have the strength to tease him. His heart was racing, Dean already conjuring up situations in which Sam would innocently mention to Anna that night Dean had stayed over with her and Anna’s confusion and suspicion when she knew he hadn’t been with her. Dean wondered if he looked guilty. He felt guilty. He hadn’t even been thinking about Anna last night. The moment he’d seen Castiel, seen that bump, all thoughts of Anna had flown straight out of his head. Castiel had been the only thing that mattered.  
  
Last night Dean had thought he was in love with Castiel. Now he wasn’t so sure at all. Would he really be so worried about Anna finding out if he loved someone else? He wouldn’t feel this sick, gut twisting sensation if he wanted to leave her, surely.  
  
“Look, I need to get to work,” he told Sam, pushing past his brother and stalking towards his bedroom.  
  
“Okay!” Sam called after him. “Don’t forget we’ve got the tux fitting this afternoon.”  
  
Dean turned to stare at him but Sam looked back at him guilelessly. For a moment Dean had thought there was something knowing in Sam’s tone, as if Sam was standing there on the landing, waiting for Dean to tell him there wouldn’t be a tux fitting, that there wouldn’t be a wedding. He swallowed down the bitter taste in his mouth, realizing it was his own guilt he was hearing. Sam was just trying to be a good brother and a good best man. He had no idea where Dean had really been last night or the promises that Dean had made.  
  
“Don’t worry, I’ll remember,” he said, forcing a grin.  
  
Sam smiled back and then opened the bathroom door, ducking inside. Dean darted into his bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him. He swallowed, trying to make sense of things.  
  
He loved Anna. He knew he loved Anna. He wanted to marry her. They were going to be so happy together and she was everything he could ever want. Only, she wasn’t quite everything because there was still Castiel and Dean didn’t think he’d been wrong about being in love with Castiel too. When he’d seen Castiel last night he couldn’t think about anything but Castiel, about getting his hands on Castiel, kissing him, holding him.  
  
Dean sat down on his bed, burying his head in his hands and groaned.  
  
He wanted Anna but he wanted Castiel too. He wanted to marry Anna but he wanted to be a father to Castiel’s baby. He couldn’t see a situation in which they’d both be willing to share. Anna, maybe, she was an artist after all but not nice, conservative little Castiel. He wouldn’t want Dean running off and sharing himself with someone else. And what if Cas found someone else? Or Anna did? Dean didn’t want to share either of them, no matter how big a hypocrite it made him.  
  
In the end there had to be a choice, he knew there had to be. It had to be Anna or Castiel. He couldn’t have both.  
  
But that didn’t mean he had to choose just yet. It was five month till both the wedding and the baby’s birth. Five months to work out who he really was and who he really wanted. Dean could figure himself out in five months. He was sure he could. He had to.  
  
**  
  
  
 **Four Months and Two Weeks later:**  
  
“I’ve been thinking about the name Jimmy,” Castiel said. He was flicking through a book of baby names, seated in the comfortable old rocking chair which had been item number six in the set of furniture he’d finally ordered for the baby’s room.  
  
It was all old fashioned pine and Dean had had to paint the walls yellow in the end because Castiel had flatly refused to listen to him when he’d said a boy’s bedroom needed to be blue and hadn’t Castiel seen that very cool set on the other page, the one that was car themed? Begrudgingly, Dean had to admit that the baby’s room did look pretty perfect. He could imagine Cas in here when their son was born, in the rocking chair, holding him and rocking back and forth to sooth him to sleep. Dean hadn’t been able to picture Castiel in the car themed room.

 

  
  
“Like Jimmy Hendrix?” he asked. He was on the floor, trying to fix the final door on to the changing table. Eventually the little cabinet underneath would be filled with nappies and powder, lotions and other things that the baby would need but right now he was still putting the doors on and making sure they opened in the right direction. Dean looked up at Castiel hopefully.  
  
“Like a derivative of James,” Castiel said, shaking his head at him. He was smiling.  
  
Dean shrugged.  
  
“Yeah, that’s good too.”  
  
He picked up his screwdriver again, tightening the final screw on the hinge then swung the door back and forth, seeing how easily it moved. There was no resistance. Dean sat back on his heels, grinning. “There,” he said. “All sorted.”  
  
He stood up, moving towards Castiel and bent to kiss him. “I’m useful aren’t I?” he murmured.  
  
“Very,” Castiel said. “I think I’ll keep you around.”    
  
Dean laughed softly, kissing him again. He stroked his hands up and down Castiel’s shoulders, feeling the warmth of his body, ridiculously warm. He wondered if he could distract Castiel from his book of baby names and convince him that now Dean had finished setting up the nursery, they really should take a look at Castiel’s bedroom. Dean was certain there were things in there that needed his attention.  
  
In his pocket his phone beeped and Dean pulled away, swearing. Castiel picked up his book again, turning the page but Dean could see the disappointment in his eyes. Dean dug his phone out of his pocket and swore again. It was a text message from Anna, asking where he was.  
  
“Do you need to go?” Castiel asked. His tone was nonchalant but Dean knew he want to know who the message was from and what it was about. Dean shoved his phone back in his pocket before Castiel could see the screen. It wasn’t as if Castiel didn’t know Dean was still seeing Anna but it was easier if Dean kept those two lives completely separate. That way Castiel didn’t shoot him hurt looks and sighed and fold his arms and just watch Dean, like he was waiting for Dean to have some sort of euphony while he was painting the nursery.  
  
“Yeah,” he said, leaning over to kiss Castiel on the cheek. “You’ve got everything set up here though, don’t you? You’re good, right?”  
  
He wouldn’t go until he was sure Cas and the baby were alright. Anna could wait a little longer. He was already late.  
  
“I’m good, Dean, yes,” Castiel said but he was looking away from Dean and he didn’t try to turn his head and get another kiss or even return the one Dean had given him. His shoulders were tensed.  
  
Dean sighed. He wanted to stay with Castiel, wanted to cheer him up, cuddle up to him but his other life was intruding and Dean didn’t have the time to work Castiel out of one of his moods. It wasn’t even as if Dean was abandoning him in the middle of something they’d planned. He’d only come over to show Castiel a soft toy he’d bought for the baby. He’d seen it in a shop window, a little black and white toy cat, and he’d thought Castiel would like it just as much as the baby would.  
  
Then the doors on the changing table had needed fixing, a job he hadn’t been able to finish when he was last there. It was supposed to have been a flying visit on the way to meet Anna but Dean found himself spending more and more time with Castiel and neglecting her. If he had the choice between spending an afternoon with her or one with Cas, he would always choose Cas. It was just that this time he didn’t have a choice. Anna had arranged this lunch date weeks ago.  
  
“Look, I’ve got my phone on me. You need anything, Cas, then call me,” he said.  
  
Castiel nodded.   
  
Dean guessed that was as good a response as he was going to get. He let himself out of Castiel’s new apartment, a ground floor one this time, which was easier on Castiel than having to walk up a flight of stairs and would be much easier when the baby arrived and Castiel had a stroller to push around.  
  
His car was parked up next to Castiel’s, in the residents parking garage. Castiel had arranged for him to have a pass so Dean could come and go as he pleased, only having to swipe his pass at the electric gates to let himself in or out. There was no need for him to ring any buzzers and have the Cas buzz him in. It made things easier. Dean was worried people were watching him when he dawdled at the gates and his car was noticeable. ’67 Chevy Impalas weren’t the most conspicuous of cars. When he’d had to wait outside he’d always been certain someone would drive in the opposite direction and let it get back to Anna that he’d been waiting outside Castiel’s new apartment block, usually at unsocial times of the night.  
  
Since he’d had the pass that hadn’t been a problem, he’d been able to drop by, bringing Castiel whatever diner food he was craving, for a late night rendezvous whenever they needed it.  
  
He drove out of the gates and rolled into the street, driving in the direction of the town centre and Anna’s favorite bistro. That’s where he was supposed to have been ten minutes ago, meeting Anna to discuss last minute preparations. They’d seen each other less and less since Castiel had come back into Dean’s life. It wasn’t just because of that though. Anna had received a commission so she’d been busy in her studio, lots of late nights and weekends which was good because that was generally when Castiel wanted his company.  
  
Dean knew that he was having an affair, but it didn’t feel like an affair was supposed to feel. Affairs were sordid things that dirty old men did and Dean wasn’t one of those. Castiel was in an apartment across town but it wasn’t as if Dean was keeping him there, Castiel had bought and paid for the apartment himself. Dean spent most of his time there fixing up the nursery and help Castiel move in, for god sake, not having sex although one month Castiel’s hormones had gone crazy and Dean had been knocking off work early to drive around there and keep him satisfied.  
  
Gabriel had his own room in the apartment but by clever engineering he was never there when Dean arrived. He was always off with Sam. It wasn’t sordid either that Dean didn’t want people knowing that he was visiting Castiel. He was just thinking about Anna and her feelings. She wouldn’t want to find out about Castiel through gossip and Gabriel was the biggest gossip Dean knew so it was just better that he was out.  
  
He found a parking space and locked up behind him, sprinting down the sidewalk. He could see Anna, her head bent as she fiddled with something and as he got closer he realized it was her wedding book. His heart sank a little but Dean did his best to smile. It would only be an hour or so lunch. He didn’t really like the food here, it was Anna’s favorite. He’d pick at something then drive back by the diner that did the fantastic bacon cheeseburgers. He’d pick up two and take them around to Cas as a peace offering.  
  
“Hey,” he said, pulling out his chair and sprawling in to it. Anna looked up at him, her eyes narrowing.  
  
“You’re twenty minutes late. I know you weren’t at Bobby’s, I phoned,” she said, annoyed.  
  
“I had to help a friend,” Dean said, surprised at how easily the lie slipped out. It wasn’t really a lie, he had been helping Castiel but calling Castiel simply a friend, that was the part that didn’t ring true. He watched Anna carefully, waiting to see if she believed him, waiting to see if she’d called him on it, if she knew the truth.  
  
A part of Dean felt relieved. If she did know the truth then she’d just break up with him. She could leave him and then he’d be able to go back to Castiel. He wouldn’t be the bad guy, the one who’d broken Anna’s heart. She’d be the one who left him. She’d have to be the one to tell everyone the wedding was canceled. It wouldn’t have to be Dean. He wouldn’t have to tell them about Castiel, about how he felt for him, about their baby.  
  
He watched Anna, willing her to tell him it was over but she pursed her lips and then sighed.  
  
“You’re too soft hearted,” she said after a moment. “I’m going to be your wife, Dean. I know things are busy at the moment but it’s only two weeks to the wedding.”  
  
Dean swallowed, the knot in his stomach sinking. Only two weeks and he couldn’t pretend that he wanted to get married any more. There was a jug of water on the table. He reached for a glass and poured himself some, taking a sip and wishing it was something harder.  
  
Everything had gone wrong somewhere. He was supposed to be making a choice between Anna and Castiel, that was what he’d told himself. He was supposed to have sorted himself out by now. He knew in his heart of hearts that he did have it sorted, but he’d let everything go on for too long and now it was one big mess.  
  
He wanted to keep Castiel a secret to protect them both from the repercussions of what would happen when people found out about the baby and the fact they’d been secretly seeing each other, but his relationship with Castiel had become drastically different to his one with Anna. He didn’t ignore Castiel’s phone calls. When he wasn’t with Castiel he wasn’t always off with Anna. Sometimes he was with her, when he had to be, when he’d promised to be but he didn’t feel any of the fire and passion that had been there at the start of their relationship. They hadn’t had sex in mouths. It wasn’t that he found Anna suddenly repulsive, far from it, she was still beautiful, still everything he liked in a woman but his heart wasn’t in it any longer. If he was still in love with her, then Dean knew he wouldn’t be praying for her to break up with him. People in love didn’t hope to be dumped, not if they were dating the right person.  
  
He looked at her delicate hands, her long tapered fingers tapping her pen on the wedding book and thought of how much she resembled Castiel. He kept pushing away their similarities, focusing on their differences because there were so many but  he knew what had made him go up to her in the first place, ask her if she wanted a drink. It was her eyes – wide, unfathomable, they’d drawn him in and there’d only been one other person who’d ever had that effect on him.  
  
He did love her for her own qualities, once, but the things he’d liked the most had been the ones that reminded him of Castiel. He’d felt safe with her, like coming home and he’d thought that had been enough but had he always been substituting her for Castiel? It was a nasty little idea and Dean loathed himself a little when he thought about it.  
  
Whatever the truth of the matter, he knew he couldn’t marry her.  
  
He also knew that he couldn’t tell her that at her favorite bistro when she wanted to discuss wedding plans. Not in public. It needed to be somewhere private. Sam could handle sending things back, making the arrangements to cancel things. Dean didn’t have to tell her about Castiel either, he didn’t need to tell anyone. Weddings got canceled all the time, it was no big deal but he didn’t want people saying his wedding got canceled because the groom was gay. He wasn’t gay, he still liked women – he just liked Castiel more.  
  
Anna looked up, frowning. “Dean, you’re staring at me, is something wrong?”  
  
“No, I just thinking that you’re beautiful,” Dean said because he had been thinking that. He’d been wishing he could love her the way he had when he proposed.  
  
Anna’s smile was still dazzling. “Charmer,” she murmured, looking back down at her book, then the frown retuned. “Dean, I got an odd call from the florist. Your check bounced.” She looked up at him, one eyebrow raised questioningly.  
  
Dean took another sip of his water. He knew exactly where that money had gone. It had gone on soft toys and paint and other things for the baby’s room. He’d kept the money back like he was supposed to, there in his bank account to pay for his half of the expenses which included flowers, but the nursery had seemed more important. Castiel’s due date was two weeks away. Dean wanted to bring his baby home to a nice, decorated, clean and functional bedroom, not something that was only half finished.    
  
“Huh, really? I’ve got the money. I’ll swing by later and sort it out with them,” he said, making a note to cancel the order. If he was going to cancel the wedding, they wouldn’t need flowers. They wouldn’t need any of the things they’d ordered. Dean felt it again, the crushing weight on his chest of all those people – the ones they’d invited, the people they’d ordered from, everyone who thought the wedding was going ahead. They didn’t need to know why he called it off, Dean reminded himself. No one needed to know.  
  
He’d even call up his dad and make up some excuse. He’d find a good one, one that didn’t make it sound as if he couldn’t satisfy Anna and anything but the truth. It was hard to find something that his dad couldn’t twist to make it sound as if Dean had failed. If he told him Anna had left him for someone else, he’d make snide remarks. If he said they just drifted apart, then it would have been Dean’s fault for not making the effort. He didn’t even consider telling his dad that he was in love with Castiel. He knew how that ended. His dad wouldn’t be pleased he was going to be a grandfather, he wouldn’t be happy that Dean loved someone. He’d only care that Castiel was a guy and that made Dean queer.  
  
“Do you think I could get a beer here?” Dean asked. He suddenly needed a drink.  
  
“I suppose so, but it’s the middle of the day,” Anna said.  
  
“Just one beer,” Dean promised. He couldn’t exactly get drunk at Castiel’s, there was no alcohol in the house. He’d just have a beer here to take the edge off, to unknot the mass of unhappy tension that settled in his stomach when he thought about his dad.  
  
His phone rang and Dean groaned. He tugged out his phone, hoping it was Castiel needing him to pick something up, but it showed an unknown number. He frowned, uncertain about who could be calling him from a strange number and considered letting it go to voice mail, but curiosity got the better of him and pressed accept, raising the phone to his ear.  
  
“Dean!” a voice boomed on the other end.  
  
“Dad,” Dean said, unable to muster the same enthusiasm. Across the table Anna suddenly looked very interested.  
  
“I’m calling from the airport, my plane just got.”  
  
“Dad, you’re plane isn’t due to get in for another week and a half.”  
  
Dean had made sure of that. His dad was supposed to arrive on the third. He and Sam had figured it would be easier if they all spent as little time together as possible. Dean hadn’t wanted to have to play peace maker to their fights before his wedding. His dad was only supposed to stay with them three days then fly back the day after the wedding. The wedding that Dean was even now planning on cancelling.  
  
“I know,” his dad said and Dean could tell he was smiling from the way he spoke. “I moved up my reservation. I wanted to meet this girl of yours, Dean.”  
  
“You want to meet Anna?” Dean repeated, feeling the whole situation slip away from him. He wasn’t in control any more. Everything had gone wrong. Across the table Anna nodded, scribbling something down in her book and the pushing it towards Dean. He read quickly – ‘ _dinner tonight?_ ’ “Uh, Anna says what about dinner tonight?”  
  
“Sounds like a plan.”  
  
Dean nodded quickly. “Okay, Dad. Well, I’ll see you tonight then. Anna and I are in the middle of lunch and….”  
  
His dad cut across him quickly. “I need you to pick me up.”  
  
Dean suppressed a groan. “Right. You just stay there then. I’ll see you in half an hour.”  
  
He hung up and looked apologetically at Anna. “Dad’s just got in to town, he moved up his flight so he could meet you. He needs me to go and pick him up. That’s okay, right?”  
  
“Yes! Of course!” Anna said, all smiles which Dean found at odds with the despair that was threatening to swallow him whole. She leant across the table and kissed him. Dean let himself be kissed but he wasn’t in the mood. Anna didn’t seem to notice, pulling away and beaming at him. “I can’t wait to meet your dad.”  
  
“You say that now,” Dean muttered, getting up from his seat and digging his car keys from his jacket pocket. He considered phoning Castiel and then decided against it. A visit from his dad made everything that much more difficult. He’d try to keep Castiel out of it as much as he could, Cas didn’t need any extra stress with the baby so close.  
  
**  
  
Despite his reservations, Dean was feeling good. His dad had been quiet on the ride home from the airport. Not the tense, angry quiet that Dean sometimes got with him, but contented silence because his dad was tired from the plane ride. He hadn’t criticized anything Dean had done. Dean had been right on time to pick him up, his dad was impressed with the car. He’d even asked after Sam although Dean had given him the edited version of Sam’s life in which Gabriel was carefully airbrushed out. The only bit that had come close to tense had been when he mentioned Adam. He’d wanted to tell his dad how well Adam was doing but his dad had coughed and changed the subject.  
  
Dean didn’t know if his dad wouldn’t acknowledge Adam because Adam was illegitimate or because Adam was engaged to another man. It might have been both for all he knew. He wasn’t going to poke that particular wasp’s nest. After that they talked about football which Dean managed to bluff his way through. He didn’t think his dad needed to know that on most game nights he’d rather flick over to an all-night marathon of Star Trek. He watched a few games with Sam and he picked things up in Ellen’s bar, enough to comfortably cover the ride home. He let his dad talk for most of it which he thought was probably what the old man wanted. Just as Dean remembered, he liked the sound of his own voice.  
  
When they got home his dad had gone upstairs to the spare room to take a quick nap and Dean had phoned Sam to alert him to the fact that dad was with them. Sam had sounded distant and unhappy after Dean broke the news and he was almost expecting Sam to tell him he was going anywhere but home at the end of his shift. Finally Sam had sighed and said he’d pick up some pie when he finished work. Dean dug some steaks out the freezer, found some green beans and a bag of potatoes in the cupboard and spent the best part of an hour chopping, peeling and mashing. He wouldn’t have said he was a good cook and it wasn’t something he did every day but it helped him zone out when he was stressed.  
  
He used to cook a lot when his dad was still in the house, making sure Sam had three square meals a day and they weren’t all out of a box. Then Sam grew up and learned to cook for himself and Dean didn’t bother unless there was a real reason to make a home cooked meal. He found he liked diner food – it was easy, convenient and he always got a chance to flex his flirting muscles.  
  
Tonight was different though, tonight he had a reason. When Sam came in at half six with a fresh baked apple pie, Dean had steak, mash potatoes, green beans and gravy ready to go. He ignored the raise eyebrow Sam gave him. He didn’t need Sam to say anything, he knew Sam thought he was trying too hard, making more of an effort than he would have done normally but they didn’t see their dad normally. If Dean didn’t make an effort then, when was he supposed to?  
  
Anna’s surprise, when she arrived, was a little more gratifying. “I didn’t know you could cook,” she said, pressing a kiss to his cheek and passing him the bottle of wine she’d brought over specially. She pulled away then and stared at him for a moment. “I didn’t think it was your sort of thing,” she said thoughtfully.  
  
Finally his dad came down stairs, looking refreshed and ready to eat.  
  
Dean had always known his dad would like Anna and he was right. From the first moment, John Winchester was obviously smitten with his future daughter in law. He kept the conversation firmly rooted in Anna – in the things she did for a living, in her wedding plans, in her life before she met Dean. It was easier with Anna talking. Sam relaxed, laughing, making jokes. There was no heavy tension between them all because Anna broke it, sparkling and different. She didn’t carry their old wounds. She didn’t know the fights they’d had around this table years ago. She made it simple for them all to talk to each other, broke down the barriers that they’d all put up. Dean was grateful to her for doing it and doing it all naturally because that was who she was, a good person who wanted the family she was marrying into to get along.  
  
It should have made him love her. It should have struck him right there at the dinner table that he wanted a happy, contented life with Anna but it didn’t. Everything was hollow. None of it was real. It wasn’t Anna who he loved, it was Cas. Cas who was probably sitting home alone, still feeling hurt from before, still wondering exactly where he stood in Dean’s world. That was where Dean wanted to be, he wanted to be with Cas because as nice as it was for his dad to catch his eye and give him a surreptitious thumbs up it only confirmed to Dean that none of this was right. He didn’t want his dad to approve of Anna. He wanted him to approve of Castiel. He wanted him to think Dean had shot above himself and caught a star. Had hooked him in, drawn him in and loved him so well that even now Castiel was carrying their next generation. It felt all wrong for his dad to be there praising Anna when it was Castiel who was pregnant with his grandson.  
  
There was the pie Sam had bought, then coffee. Sam begged off, making some excuse about needing to be up early in the morning, or Dean thought it was an excuse till he checked his watch and found it close to midnight. He couldn’t remember the last time that the three Winchester men had sat up talking together for so long.  
  
“Is that really the time?” Anna asked, looking down at her own watch. “I need to get back.”  
  
“Sure,” Dean said. He pushed his chair back, helping Anna find her coat and seeing her to the door. She paused to kiss him and this time Dean kissed her back, pouring all the gratitude he felt towards her into the kiss. Anna wrapped her arms around him, holding Dean close and his heart skipped a beat. Anna didn’t know why he was kissing her, she didn’t know what Dean was thinking or planning. He broke the kiss, unwilling to lead her on. She’d remember this kiss, she’d remember all the times that he’d treated her like he still loved her and she’d resent him.  
  
Anna leant back against the wall, smiling at him in a way that would have once been inviting. “I suppose I can’t stay over with your dad here, can I?” she asked, twirling a strand of her red hair around her finger.  
  
Dean shook his head. “Not really,” he said, feeling relieved that he didn’t have to make an excuse.  
  
Anna sighed, pushing herself away from the wall. She kissed him again, lightly. “I do like your dad,” she said. “He’s not as bad as your stories made out.”  
  
“He’s on his best behavior because you’re here,” Dean said. He held Anna still, staring at her seriously. “Thanks for coming over tonight. It wouldn’t have been anywhere near as easy without you.” He wanted her to know that he meant that. Once everything came out, once she found out all the lies he’d told, he wanted her to know that this part had been the truth. He owed her that.  
  
Anna’s expression grew amused. “You’ve been so odd the last few days,” she said. “Are you sure you didn’t plan this? Your dad getting in early? You’ve been distracted.”  
  
“No, I can promise you, Anna, this was not my idea.”  
  
“Well, whatever it is that’s been distracting you, don’t sweat it,” she said, smiling at him. “In two weeks, we’ll be married.”  
  
Dean nodded, not even bothering to smile. He hugged Anna tightly, hoping that she wouldn’t hate him completely, that she could understand and then he let her go, opening the door for her and waving until she stopped waving back.  
  
He went back to the kitchen slowly. Part of him was hoping his dad might have decided to go straight to bed, but he found him at the kitchen table still. He’d obviously got up at some point because he’d got himself a bottle of beer from the fridge. Dean didn’t complain. He never complained. He just accepted it. Sam was the one who worried about their dad’s drinking. Dean just pulled up a chair and sat down across from him, waiting.  
  
He watched his dad take a long draw from the bottle. Then his dad set the bottle down and nodded thoughtfully.  
  
“She’s a nice girl, Dean. I can see why you like her.”  
  
“Yeah,” Dean said.  
  
“Your mother’d be real proud of you. I didn’t think you’d ever settle down. I thought I’d get a call about Sam before I got one about you,” his dad said.  
  
“Well, Anna’s something,” Dean said, the words tasting like ash in his mouth.  
  
He’d learned as a boy not to lie to his father, but here he was, sitting across from him, trying not to let any flicker or twitch let on that he was having second thoughts. More than second thoughts. It wasn’t cold feet or jitters or anything else that people would say just to shut Dean up and dismiss what he was feeling. Anna was a great girl and she deserved to be with someone who wanted to be with her and only her. She didn’t deserve Dean who even now was itching to be with Castiel.  
  
His father kept looking at him. Dean wanted to fidget, wanted to squirm out from under that gaze but he didn’t let himself. He stared straight back, meeting his father’s eye. Finally his dad yawned, covering his mouth one a hand.  
  
“It’s getting late, I think I’ll go up to bed,” he said, stretching. He pushed his chair back and got to his feet. He picked up the bottle and chugged down what was left in it. “Need a little help to sleep sometimes,” he said, putting the bottle back down.  
  
Dean nodded. He gathered his dad needed help to do a lot of things these days, although he didn’t think alcohol was the salvation his dad seemed to think it was.  
  
“I’ll just clear up down here,” he said with an indifferent shrug of his shoulders. His father nodded, leaving the bottle by the sink and pushed the kitchen door up. It swung shut behind him. Dean sat still, listening to the footsteps on the stairs. He waited, listening to his dad shuffling around. Finally there was the noise of bed springs sagging and the click of a light switch being turned off. Dean waited a few minutes more, until he was certain that his father was asleep. He grabbed his jacket and car keys, digging his phone out of his pocket.  
  
He already had Castiel’s number dialled by the time he reached the door.  
  
“Dean?” Castiel sounded sleepy and Dean wondered if he’d woken him up. He wondered if Castiel was in his pyjamas, tucked up in bed. He could picture him so easily and his need to be with Castiel only intensified. “Dean, it’s midnight, what’s wrong?”  
  
“I need to see you,” Dean said, shutting the door quietly behind him.  
  
“Gabriel’s here,” Castiel said.  
  
“I don’t care, Cas. I just need to see you.”  
  
There was a pause on the other end of the line. Then Castiel spoke, “Okay,” he said.  
  
“I’ll be there in ten,” Dean said. He hung up the phone and shoved it back in his pocket. The garage door slid up silently on its hinges. For the first time Dean didn’t revel in the roar of baby’s engine when the car jumped to life. For the first time he wished the car was muffled. He rolled out of the garage and into the road, taking it slow until he turned the corner and the house was out of site.  
  
Unknown to Dean, the curtains in the spare bedroom twitched, his father’s face grimly lit by the light thrown up from the street lamp as he watched his son drive away.  
  
**  
  
Dean didn’t have to knock on the door when he reached Castiel’s apartment. Castiel was waiting for him, standing in the doorway looked tired and still half-asleep, draped in a dressing gown that did nothing to hide how big he was getting.  
  
“What’s this all about, Dean?” he asked as Dean got to the door.  
  
Dean wrapped his arms around him, hugging Castiel tightly, unable to speak for a few minutes. He buried his head in Castiel’s shoulder, breathing in his scent. He wanted to remember it when he crawled into bed tonight, wanted to feel as if Castiel was there with him and they weren’t separated by anything. He drew back slowly, unwilling to let go of Castiel completely but needing to talk to him.  
  
“My dad’s here,” he said.  
  
“Oh,” Castiel’s face shut down, his eyes guarded. Dean knew why Castiel was like that but this time it was going to be different. This time whatever his dad said or did, Dean was a different person and he’d put Castiel first.  
  
“I’m choosing you,” Dean told him. “I’m not going to marry Anna, I want to be with you.”  
  
“Dean,” Castiel didn’t sound like he believed him so Dean kissed him, pinning Castiel in the doorway, one hand buried in Castiel’s hair, the other pressing over Castiel’s swollen stomach. He kissed him with the light pouring out of Castiel’s house, illuminating them for anyone who cared to look. For one long, lust filled moment Dean didn’t care. He wanted to stay, he wanted to go inside and lie down next to Castiel, holding him close and fall asleep with Castiel in his arms. He didn’t need anything more than that. His cock twitched, hoping for more but Dean didn’t need it, he just needed to be with Castiel.  
  
He couldn’t stay, though. Not tonight. Not with his father at home. His dad had been drinking, he might sleep in late in the morning but he might not and Dean didn’t want to have to come up with some excuse about where he’d been during the night. He had to tell Anna he was leaving her before he told anyone else, anyone who wasn’t Castiel.  
  
He pulled away slowly, unwilling to really let go but knowing he had to. He stroked Castiel’s cheek gently, smiling at him.  
  
“Look, I need to go back but I swear to you, Cas. It’s going to be you and me, on the 6th I’m going to be with you,” Dean said, unable to keep the smile off his face. He kissed Castiel again, quick and hungry. “Get back inside. It’s too cold for you to be out right now. We got to keep you and the baby.”  
  
He pushed Castiel gently back into the warmth of his apartment, patting him on the ass as he did, letting his hand linger for a moment. He pulled the door shut, making sure that it had latched properly then ran back to the car. His heart felt lighter. Every second of the drive home he thought about how, soon, he wouldn’t need to worry about sneaking around in the middle of the night. Soon he’d be able to drive to Castiel’s without worrying who saw him. It was just going to be normal and Dean couldn’t wait for that.  
  
He slowed down again as he turned into his street, the car’s engine slowed to a gentle purr as he pulled into the garage. He locked up, humming to himself as he walked back to the house, swinging his keys around a finger. Dean couldn’t remember the last thing everything had felt so right. There were still things he’d have to deal with - he had to tell Anna, he had to break the news that the wedding wasn’t going ahead but that didn’t scare him as much as it had in the past.  
  
He also needed to tell Sam he was going to be an uncle.  
  
Sam was going to have a lot of questions. He was probably going to have a whole new lecture lined up for Dean about his behavior but he couldn’t begrudge his own nephew. The thought of Sam’s smile, how happy he’d be when he saw the baby for the first time made Dean feel warm inside with a sudden burst of contentment. Sam would feel it too, the overwhelming love that Dean had felt when he’d seen the sonogram. He’d forgive Dean his mistakes when he realized why Dean had made them.  
  
Dean was still humming as he made his way into the kitchen, planning to actually put things away so his story held weight in the morning when they didn’t all come down to dirty dishes in the sink.    
  
He switched on the light.  
  
His dad was sitting at the kitchen table.  
  
“Fuck,” Dean said, partly from shock and partly because there was nothing good that could have left his dad sitting down there in the dark.  
  
“What are you doing, Dean?” his dad growled.  
  
“What are you doing? I thought you said you were going to bed,” Dean said, shrugging off his jacket and laying it over the back of the chair.  
  
“You must think I’m blind, Dean. You’re my son, I know when something not right.”  
  
Dean swallowed hard. His dad had managed to miss a lot of other times where something was wrong. A nasty, ugly part of himself said his dad could only tell something was wrong now because he knew the signs. He’d been the one sneaking around once; the one who’d got someone he wasn’t supposed to pregnant.  
  
“Tell me the truth,” John said, his voice commanding Dean to look at him.  
  
Dean looked but he didn’t say anything, keeping his mouth firmly shut instead. Slowly, his dad’s chair slid back and John got to his feet. In two steps he was in front of Dean, just as big as Dean remembered him being when he was a kid. He could remember that fear when his dad looked at him like this, when he spoke to him like this because Dean had always done something wrong and there was always a punishment for it.  
  
“Tell me where you were,” John said again, eyes narrowing.  
  
“I was with Cas,” Dean said. He wouldn’t deny it and he wouldn’t lie. He’d come to conclusion about what he wanted and he wouldn’t hide it now just to please his dad.  
  
“Damn it, Dean, I thought we’d been through this already,” John threw his hands up in the air then turned away, muttering angrily to himself.  
  
“Dad….”  
  
“No, you went through this phase as a teenager but that’s all it was. A phase!”  
  
Dean swallowed hard. It had been so easy to listen to his dad telling him it was all just a phase, telling him lots of teenage boys messed around with their friends but it didn’t make them a queer. Fumbling about on his bed with Cas, kissing him till his head spun and he was scrabbling with Cas’s shirt, trying to pull it over his head or slide his hand down into Cas’s pants while Cas alternatively pulled him closer or pushed him away, none of that made Dean queer. It just made him a horny teenager in-between girlfriends.  
  
Dean could still remember how grateful he’d been to have an explanation that let him avoid the dreaded gay label. His dad was still going to treat him just like one of the guys, not pause every time before he slung an arm around Dean’s shoulder or patted the seat next to him and invited Dean to watch a game. He wasn’t going to start worrying about Dean’s influence on Sammy. Kids at school wouldn’t want to beat on him because he was some sort of shirt-lifting queer. His life wasn’t going to be harder than it needed to be just because he fancied guys instead of girls. Dean was just going through a phase and he’d get over it.  
  
No one had ever told him he could like both. No one had ever said it would be okay if he liked guys. It had just been dismissed. As far as John was concerned Dean couldn’t be anything else but 100% straight. That summer with Castiel had faded out his memory. Dean had forced himself to put it down to youthful high jinks. He’d got himself a girlfriend the first week back at school and Castiel had never said a word about it. Maybe he’d had his own talk about who he was supposed to be or maybe he just accepted that was the way it was always going to be.  
  
They didn’t talk about it. They got on with being friends. Dean dumped that girlfriend and got another one – a blonde with big tits and a reputation that rivalled his own. He is whole life afterwards had been a parade of different women, none of whom stayed very long. He’d made it a year with Lisa and six months with Cassie. Anna was his longest relationship and things had been different with Anna. She had been different. The connection he felt to her had been immediate and not simply physical. He’d felt comfortable with her.  
  
Now everything was unravelling.   
  
“What if it wasn’t a phase?” he asked finally.  
  
His dad’s reaction was like he’d received a physical blow. He hunched in on himself, a shudder running through his body and Dean didn’t need to be looking at him to know what his dad’s expression was going to be. He’d seen that angry, disappointed look enough that he could picture it exactly.  
  
John turned to look at him and Dean awarded himself points in the continual cosmic game of Dean vs the world because he’d called his dad’s expression perfectly.  
  
John stared at him as if he was only truly seeing Dean for the first time then shook his head.  
  
“Don’t be stupid, Dean. It’s was a phase. You’ve got Anna and she’s a great girl. Why would you want to leave her for a man? For Castiel?”  
  
Because Castiel made him happy, because things with Castiel were simple and Dean never felt like he was faking himself when he was around Cas. Because Cas was pregnant and Dean kept thinking about how good it would be to come home to Castiel and the baby when he finished after a long day at work.  
  
Dean stared back at his dad, trying to imagine the look on John’s face when he told him that Castiel was carrying his grandchild. He drew a blank. He’d seen his dad lose it a few times and he was pretty sure this would be another one of those times. His dad could do frothy angry rage or cold, calculated burning shame. Dean didn’t fancy either of them. He didn’t like the unknown factor. He couldn’t predict what his dad was about to do and it didn’t matter that Dean was an adult now who could give back as good as he got, it didn’t matter that John was an old man who probably hadn’t been in a fight for years, none of it mattered because inside Dean still felt like that scared seventeen year old boy who was going to get being straight beaten back into him if he didn’t conform.   
  
  
“Well?” John asked again, taking a step towards him that couldn’t be interpreted as anything other than threatening. “Why did I waste money to fly out here for a wedding that isn’t going to happen? You know, I should have made you stop seeing that damn Castiel when you were a kid. I should have nipped it in the bud then and there. He was always too delicate, too much of a nancy boy. I knew what he was going to grow up to be and I still let you hang out with him. I should have kicked him out of my house and put my foot down. He’s always been able to mess with your head, Dean. He did it when you were a kid and he’s doing it now. What’s so good about him? I don’t believe for a moment he’s a good enough fuck to make you give up women so you better tell me just what’s going on in that damn fool head before I knock some sense in to it.”  
  
There it was, the threat Dean had been waiting for, coupled with a lot of slurs and insinuations thrown Cas’s way and Dean couldn’t help but bristle at them. Castiel was his best friend. Castiel had kept his secrets, had seen him through thick and thin, had been in love with him since pretty much the day they met. He’d never done anything to Dean. Dean had been the one who’d done it to Cas, who’d messed up his heart and got him knocked up.  
  
He set his jaw, narrowed his eyes and stood his ground. Dean wasn’t going to let his dad talk Cas down like that. He’d even take pleasure in telling him just why Castiel was so important to him, in fact, why Castiel was so important to the whole Winchester family now.  
  
“Cas is pregnant,” he said, unable to stop the cocky grin that stretched across his face.  
  
It still fucking hurt when his dad hit him. Dean felt his lip split. His jaw ached and his pain bloomed from his nose and spread out everywhere. He staggered back, held his hand up to his face to catch the first few drops of blood from his lip and then smile wider despite how much it hurt.  
  
“And it’s mine, dad. My baby. Our baby, me and Cas. That’s why I can’t marry Anna.”  
  
“You stupid son of a bitch,” John hissed.  
  
“Yeah? Do you see now why I can’t marry Anna?” Dean asked, his whole body thrumming with adrenaline. He hardly even felt the pain any longer. It was just a nagging sensation at the edge of everything else. He felt good. He felt in control. His dad had hit but, Dean realized, that was all he could do and it no longer held the same fear it had when he was just a kid.  
  
His dad was just a miserable, bigoted old man. He was just everything Sam had been saying for years and years while Dean refused to see it because his dad had been his hero. Now the blinds had fallen from his eyes and Dean saw him as he really was. A bully who used his fists when he couldn’t threaten or shame someone into doing what he wanted. It felt like a weight off Dean’s shoulders to finally admit that to himself, to stop trying to defend what he wanted his dad to be from the truth of what he really was. He wouldn’t have to make any more excuses for him, wouldn’t have to try to rationalise his irrational behaviour.  
  
Best of all, Dean didn’t have to live up to his ridiculous expectations any more.    
  
“You selfish bastard,” John said again, shaking his head. “What would your mother say if she could see the kind of man you’d grown up to be?”  
  
“I think she would have wanted me to be happy,” Dean said quickly.  
  
“Your mother wanted to be there on your wedding day! She wanted to know what kind of girl you’d marry. I was going to go to her grave, to tell her all about Anna and now I’m gonna have to tell her that her stupid, selfish son is planning to rip this family apart.”  
  
“Mom wasn’t like that!” Dean said coldly. “She wasn’t like you.”  
  
John shook his head again, suddenly looking tired, weary with the conversation and with Dean.  
  
“She wanted her kids to be normal,” he said with a sigh, the words cutting Dean to the bone. “You didn’t know her, Dean. You were four years old when she died. If you think she’d have been happy with this, then let me tell you you’re mistaken.”  
  
“Stop it, dad,”  
  
“Why? So you can pretend that your mother would have given this mess her blessing? I knew her, Dean. I know she never planned for you to grow up a queer.”  
  
It was a low blow but it was still one that hit true. Dean gasped for breath, the wind knocked out him by his father’s words. He wasn’t being the person he was supposed to be, the person his mother had wanted him to be. He tried to block her out, the memories of her in the hospital bed, stroking his hair and telling to be a good boy, to grow up strong, look after Sammy and always do what his dad told him. Why wouldn’t she have wanted him to marry Anna? Of course she would have. His father had to know her better than Dean. He had to know what she would have wanted for Dean. Dean had just been a four year old boy when she died. She never would have known there was something wrong with him, something that made him want Castiel when he should have just wanted girls. Would she have been as disgusted as his father? Would she hate him?  
  
John reached out, gripping Dean by the shoulder. “It isn’t too late. Tell Castiel it’s over. You don’t owe him anything, you don’t owe that baby anything.”  
  
“But it’s mine,” Dean said, blink back tears. He didn’t know where they’d come from and he wouldn’t cry in front of his father. He wasn’t a child any more.  
  
“Of course he’d say that,” John snorted. “It isn’t natural. You need to stay away from him, Dean. You need to forget about him. Get married to Anna, do what you were supposed to do.”  
  
“But Castiel….”  
  
“What are people going to think, Dean? They’ll think I raised a queer. Are people still going to want you to fix their cars? Are they going to want to grab a drink with you after work? Why would they? Why would they want anything to do with a queer?”  
  
Dean felt sick to his stomach. His knew his dad was right. Who’d trust him when they found out what he really was, what he’d been doing with Castiel? Dean wanted to think his friends weren’t like that, but other people where. Other people would stop bringing their cars to the shop. People would guard their drinks when he was in the bar, keep their backs to the wall and make snide comments about him. He’d seen people do it to Cas.  
  
He couldn’t go through that. He couldn’t disappoint everyone – his father, his mother, everyone who knew him. He couldn’t be something they hated. He had a role to fill; he was John and Mary Winchester’s eldest son. He wasn’t supposed to be queer. He was supposed to get married to a beautiful girl and lead a normal, apple-pie life with her. He couldn’t walk away from the weight of that expectation.  
  
“I need to talk to Cas,” he said slowly. He didn’t want to talk to Cas. He wanted to shut Cas out, to ignore him but he couldn’t, not after what he’d said. He owed Cas an apology for leading him on, for making him promises that Dean was never in a position to keep.  
  
“Tomorrow,” John said. “I’ll go with you.”  
  
Dean nodded. This had to be the best way. He knew that, but his heart felt like it was breaking.  
  
He turned away from his father, not wanting him to see the tears that rolled down his face. He didn’t need another reason to know how Dean had failed him, how weak he had become.  
  
**  
  
Dean knocked on the door to Castiel’s apartment, hoping that Castiel wasn’t there, that he was out. He wanted to put off the hour for as long as he could. The weak sunlight seemed to be straining to make a showing, leaving the world grey and miserable. Last night Dean had stood on Castiel’s doorstep and felt invincible. Now he felt like a condemned man.  
  
Castiel opened the door and Dean’s heat sunk. Castiel’s smile was all the sunlight he would ever have needed but seeing it now felt perverse. Dean knew he was about to break Castiel’s heart. He saw Castiel’s smile fade as he got a good look at Dean, at his split lip and the purple bruise on his jaw.  
  
“Dean? What happened?” he asked, reaching out to touch Dean’s arm but Dean shook him off.  
  
“I can’t stay,” he said. He squared his shoulders, reminding himself of what he had to say. He’d thought it over and over in his head and every time he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t leave Castiel, but he had to. He knew he had to. “Cas, it’s over.”  
  
“What?” Castiel’s voice was sharp.  
  
“It’s over. Cas, I can’t do this.”  
  
“But last night, you said…..”  
  
“Things changed!” Dean snapped. “Come on, Cas. Did you really think I was going to settle down with you? I’m not gay, Cas.”  
  
Castiel stared at him, his blue eyes wide. He didn’t look shocked, he looked horrified and that was worse.  
  
“I didn’t think you were gay, I thought you were in love with me,” he said quietly.  
  
Dean clenched his fist, digging his nails into the palm of his hand. Castiel was tempting, far too tempting. Dean wanted to hold him, to tell him that he was in love with him, that he didn’t know what he was thinking but he couldn’t. His tongue wouldn’t work. He half-turned, glancing towards the car, at his dad sitting there, watching him.  
  
“I’m not queer,” he repeated.  
  
Castiel followed his gaze. His eyes narrowed and he reached out, grabbing Dean’s arm, tugging him till Dean was looking at him.  
  
“This isn’t you talking! This is your dad. Dean, please. Don’t do this, it’s only two weeks till the baby’s born.”  
  
“I’m doing the right thing,” Dean insisted. “I can’t do this, Cas. I can’t lose everything.”  
  
“What do you mean lose everything? Dean, what do you think you’re going to lose? I don’t understand.”  
  
“This isn’t who I’m supposed to be, Cas. You and me won’t work, it will never work,” Dean insisted. If he kept repeating it enough he could convince Castiel and maybe he could convince himself.  
  
Castiel jabbed a finger towards the car. “These are all _his_ words. He’s not right, Dean. He isn’t. You don’t have to listen to everything he says, you’re not a child anymore.”  
  
“My dad just wants what’s best for me. He wants me to be normal.” Dean took a step back, needing to get away from Castiel, away from everything he represented. He was the life Dean couldn’t have. Castiel didn’t try to follow him, he stood on the doorstep, one hand pressed to his stomach, the other against the door frame, watching Dean in utter disbelief.  
  
“What about the baby? What about Jimmy?” he demanded.  
  
Dean closed his eyes, shook his head. “He’s probably not even mine,” he said, turning away so he didn’t have to see Castiel crumble.  
  
He didn’t know how he made it back to the car, everything was a blur. He found himself fumbling with the door handle, pulling the door open and falling into the passenger seat. Everything was wrong. He knew everything was wrong. He wasn’t even driving his own car. He didn’t feel as if he was in control of anything anymore. He shouldn’t be hiding in his car. He should be with Cas.  
  
Then his dad’s hand was there, clamping down on his shoulder, keeping Dean still.  
  
“You did good,” he said.  
  
**  
  
The doorbell rang. Anna looked down at her paint splattered front, wondering who it could be. Once upon a time an unexpected visitor would have been Dean but she’d seen him less and less as the wedding approached. He had been behaving oddly, disappearing, not answering his phone, leaving bills unpaid. The first two would have suggested another girlfriend to her, but more and more she was beginning to suspect that Dean didn’t want to get married.  
  
If it was a case of cold feet then Anna just wished he’d man up and tell her. Sabotaging things only made it hard for Anna who answered her phone and got the messages from irate vendors asking why they hadn’t been paid.  
  
Even last night Dean had been strange. He hadn’t kissed her like a lover, he’d kissed her as if he was leaving her, as if it was the last kiss they’d ever shared together. She wanted to put it down to his dad being there, to Dean being disappointed because she couldn’t stay over the night. Anna thought it was ridiculous for John Winchester to pretend to have traditional values when everyone knew he’d had an affair while his wife was on her death bed.  
  
Anna sighed. She wiped her hands on the front of her old smock, hoping that that made them a little cleaner and then went to answer the door.  
  
“Jo,” she said, surprised to see the other woman standing on her doorstep. It wasn’t as if Jo had kept her distance since their little kiss. In fact, from what Anna could see, Jo had made every attempt to act as if things were perfectly normal. She’d kept fitting dates, attending the cake tasting, filled in for all those times Dean couldn’t be there. Sometimes Anna felt like she was planning a wedding to Jo, not Dean.  
  
“I paid for the flowers,” Jo said, stepping inside, not at all worried about the paint smears on Anna. “Dean gave me the money. He said he had something he needed to do this morning.” She offered Anna an apologetic smile then dug in her pocket and handed her a receipt. “I thought that you’d want that for your wedding book.”  
  
“Thanks,” Anna said. “Do you want to come up? You can see what I’m working on.”  
  
“Yeah, sure,” Jo said, bounding up the stairs while Anna followed her at a more sedate pace. She found Jo standing in the middle of her studio, head tilted to one side, frowning as she looked at the half-finished picture.  
  
“What do you think?” Anna asked. She found her handbag in the corner of the room where she’d left it and dug out the wedding book, sticking the receipt in between the pages marked for flowers.  
  
“I don’t know. It seems sort of cold,” Jo said with a shrug. “It’s not the way I imagined you’d paint, I thought there’d be more color.”  
  
“It’s a commission. I’ve got to stick to the guidelines,” Anna said, coming to stand beside Jo, getting a good look at the picture. “But I know. I hate it. I can’t wait to finish it so I can go back to doing things I like.”  
  
“So, two weeks,” Jo said, turning to look at her. “You ready?”  
  
Anna bit her lip, not certain what to say. Jo was Dean’s friend too. She’d been running his errands this morning. Anna didn’t know if she could really tell Jo everything she was worried about. Jo might tell Dean, especially if she thought she could help him fix things. Anna didn’t want Dean to fix things because he’d been told to. She wanted him to try because he loved her.  
  
“This is the normal time for last minute doubts, isn’t it?”  
  
Jo frowned. “Is something wrong?”  
  
 _Yes_ , Anna wanted to say. _Everything is wrong. I don’t think Dean loves me anymore and I don’t know what I’ve done that’s pushed him away. I’m not even sure I want to marry him either. I’m frightened about our future, I’m frightened that we should never have got engaged in the first place, and then there’s you, Jo, and I’m wondered if I don’t want to marry Dean because I can’t stop thinking about you._  
  
“No, nothing’s wrong,” she said, plastering a smile on her face. “Just silly thoughts, like Dean’s going to be the last person I ever sleep with.”  
  
Jo licked her lips and Anna felt the sudden change in the atmosphere. The room was warmer and Jo was closer.  
  
“He doesn’t have to be,” she said confidently.  
  
Sleeping with Jo wouldn’t solve any problems, Anna knew that. It would only create more. She and Dean were on rocky ground as it was and now Anna felt as if she was leading Jo on, promising her something that in two weeks she wouldn’t be able to have any more. She was going to promise Dean her fidelity and she wanted her marriage to work. She wouldn’t be getting married if she didn’t think that she could be the wife Dean needed.  
  
She knew that, but she also knew that Jo’s lips were soft and Jo had never left her waiting, had never let her down or given Anna cause to doubt her.  
  
She held up her hand, letting Jo watch as she slipped off her engagement ring. She put it in to her pocket, making sure that Jo was watching, making sure that she went slow, letting Jo back out at any time. If Jo had just meant to flirt with her, hadn’t meant to follow through, then Anna didn’t want to pressure her, but if Jo had meant it then Anna wanted her to know that she wanted it too.  
  
“One last fling before I get married,” she said.  
  
“If that’s what you want,” Jo answered and Anna couldn’t say it was all she wanted, but it was all she wanted right then. She wanted to be loved, wanted to be touched and kissed and held in a way Dean hadn’t been able to do for months. More importantly, she wanted it to be Jo who did those things, Jo who loved her.  
  
“I’m going to get paint on you,” she whispered.  
  
“I don’t care,” Jo said.

 

  
Anna found she didn’t care either. In fact, the thought of smearing paint along Jo’s skin, putting finger prints in bright red and pinks over her hips and across her breasts, washing them away later in the shower, Jo pressed between her and the slippery shower tiles, made Anna wet.  
  
She reached for Jo as Jo reached for her and their lips met in a clash of teeth and tongues. Anna wound her fingers in Jo’s hair, lost in the softness of Jo’s lips, the curves of her body. Her heart beat faster and she didn’t notice as she sunk to the floor, Jo’s body a deliciously warm weight above her, that her engagement ring rolled out of her pocket and away across the floor. She was far too busy trying to get the button on the top of Jo’s jeans undone to worry about anything but the heat of the moment.  
  
**  
  
 **The Night before the Wedding:**  
  
Dean stared at his miserable expression in the mirror. He was supposed to be practicing with his tie, making sure everything was fine. He had his suit on and he knew he looked good but his heart wasn’t in it. The vows he’d say in the morning didn’t mean anything. He didn’t love Anna, he kept trying to make himself but maybe it would get easier. They’d go away on honeymoon, far away from the town and away from Cas. Then they’d be living together. Dean could learn to love her again, he could make it work. He could try his hardest every day of his life to make her happy because she deserved to be happy.  
  
There was a knock on his bedroom door and Dean glanced over his shoulder, just long enough to shout “It’s open,” before he turned back to his reflection. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. He’d never had a problem with his ties before. Now his fingers just wouldn’t work.  
  
His door opened and Sam peered in.  
  
“Can I talk to you?” He asked.  
  
“Yeah, sure,” Dean said, sticking his tongue out as he tried a different knot and still ended up with a mess.  
  
Sam shut the door behind him and perched uneasily on the edge of Dean’s bed. His hands were clasped, his expression sincere. If Dean didn’t know any better, he’d expect Sam was about to try to talk to him about the fact of life and what was expected from a groom on his wedding day. The thought almost made him smile.  
  
Sam sighed.  
  
“Are you really going through with this?” he asked.  
  
Dean tugged the tie from around his throat, tossing it on the dresser and tuning to face Sam.  
  
“What?” he asked.  
  
“I just thought you would have called it off by now. Cas is going to go into labor at any minute, you should be with him and the baby, not going through with this farce,” Sam said.  
  
Dean gaped at him. “You know?”  
  
“Of course, I know,” Sam said, looking at Dean sadly. “Gabriel told me. I told him you and Cas had to sort this out for yourselves but I didn’t think you were this dense.”  
  
“Sam, you are out of line!”  
  
“No, I’m not, Dean. I’ve kept out of this, I’ve let you make your mistakes and I’ve made sure everyone else stayed out of it as well. I know you’re in love with Cas, I know he makes you happy. I don’t know what happened to make you stop seeing him, but I can bet it had something to do with dad,” Sam said, his cheeks flushing red with anger.  
  
“Dad just wants what best for me,” Dean repeated, feeling less like a grown man and more like a petulant child. “I can’t let him and mom down. They wanted this for me.”  
  
Sam groaned. “Dean! I don’t understand why you can’t make yourself happy. Mom is dead and you are never going to meet Dad’s expectations because they’re impossible.”  
  
“I’m not gay, Sam,” Dean bit out.  
  
“No, you’re not. You’re probably bisexual, Dean but that’s not the point. The point is that you’re making yourself miserable, you’re making Cas miserable and you’re going to end up making Anna miserable. You shouldn’t be doing this. You know you shouldn’t be!”  
  
“Sam, I mean it, shut up,” Dean growled. “This is my life, not yours, so butt out. You don’t know what’s best for me.”  
  
Sam looked up at him, looking so sad that Dean almost thought it was Sam who’s heart he’d broken, not Castiel’s. Maybe he had. Maybe this was the first time Sam had realized out that Dean didn’t always do the right thing, that he could be a coward. Sam always wanted to think the best of people. Even now he was still hoping for Dean to change his mind. Dean stared him down. Sam had to learn at some point that people would let him down, that they weren’t perfect and they’d do things he didn’t want them to do. Sam should have learned that lesson about Dean a long time ago.  
  
Dean had always known he wasn’t a good person. He might talk the talk, he might even fool himself for a little while but it was only for a little while. He always ended up letting himself down. He let everyone down.  
  
Sam shook his head, getting to his feet.  
  
“Dean, I’m sorry, but I can’t come tomorrow. I can’t give my blessing to a marriage that I don’t think is right.”  
  
“But you’re my best man, Sammy!”  
  
“And if I stand up there with you Dean, when the minister asks if there’s any reason you and Anna shouldn’t be wed, I’m going to tell him because you’re in love with Castiel,” Sam said honestly.  
  
Dean opened his mouth then shut it quickly. That was just something Sam would do. He’d think he was being noble rather than ruining everything. If that was the line Sam was going to take, then it would be better if he didn’t come.  
  
“I’m sorry you won’t be there, Sam,” he said after a pause. He’d always imagined he’d get married with Sam at his side, his best man. He never thought he’d get married without Sam there to support him.  
  
Sam stood in front of him awkwardly. He raised his arms, dropped them and then raised them again, pulling Dean in to a hug. It lasted only a few seconds then Sam was pulling away again.  
  
“Gabriel won’t be there either,” he said.  
  
“I sort of figured that Gabriel would give it a miss,” Dean said. He couldn’t honestly say he’d spent much time thinking about Gabriel and what he’d do, apart from in revenge for Castiel’s broken heart, but he knew that on the top of Gabriel’s list would be boycotting the wedding. It was best that Gabriel stayed away. If Sam didn’t think he’d be able to stop himself from interrupting the ceremony then Gabriel would probably do it with bells and whistles on.  
  
“Do you think dad will be my best man?” Dean asked.  
  
A flicker of contempt crossed Sam’s face. Dean wondered if Sam had thought that refusing to come was going to get Dean to call the wedding off. He loved Sam, Sam was his brother and Dean wanted him there but he could do it without Sam. Sam, who said he didn’t want to tell Dean what to do but still tried to.  
  
It was too late to call things off. Didn’t Sam understand that? It was the day before the wedding. Dean had made his peace with things. He knew what he had to do. If Sam had wanted to change his mind why hadn’t he done it too weeks ago, or when Castiel found out he was pregnant or any other time over the last nine months when it wouldn’t have been too late. Now Dean didn’t have choice.  
  
“Yeah,” Sam said. “I think Dad would be real proud if you asked him.”  
  
**  
  
 **April 6th:**  
  
Dean’s phone beeped. Dean dug it out of his pocket quickly. He knew he wasn’t supposed to have his phone on him at the church, especially not turned on, but he couldn’t leave it. Not today. The ceremony was supposed to start soon, almost everyone had arrived. Even before he read the text Dean knew the message he was going to get.  Adam hadn’t turned up, neither had Michael. Dean had been looking for them as he greeted the guests, showing them to their seats.  
  
The message on his phone was from Adam’s number. Dean opened it, feeling a wave of nausea sweep over him.  
  
 _Castiel is in labor. I can’t make it._  
  
Dean shoved his phone back into his pocket. Castiel was in labor. Cas was having their baby and Dean was standing in the church, greeting people he mostly didn’t know, pretending to be happy about a wedding he didn’t even want to attend. The whole thing was almost funny or maybe Dean was so close to cracking that he didn’t know what funny was any more.  
  
Other people’s babies were late. Not Castiel’s though. His baby was punctual, came right when he was supposed to. Dean knew it was the due date but he’d tried to tell himself that the doctors couldn’t be certain, that the date was only a rough estimate as it was. Dean had been a late baby. Why couldn’t the baby take after Dean? How could he get through this knowing that Castiel was in labor? The words ran around and around inside of Dean’s skull, driving him to distraction, taunting him with the knowledge that there was somewhere else he should be.  
  
He abandoned his post at the front of the church and walked slowly up the aisle. His dad was waiting for him at the top, in the place that should have been Sam’s. He smiled at Dean but Dean didn’t smile back. He looked left and right, noting how empty his side of the church was. He couldn’t see any of his friends there. He wondered if they all knew about him and Cas, if they’d all deserted him to be at Cas’s side or maybe they were just like Sam and avoiding out of principle. There was no one there who Dean could really call a close friend, there were people he worked with, guys he drank with at Ellen’s but none of his close friends and not the three faces he really wanted to see – Sam, Adam and Castiel.   
  
Even his dad’s smiling face wasn’t the one he really wanted to see. Dean wondered if Sam was right, if he would ever be able to please his dad or if his standards were impossible. It was because of his dad that Dean was doing this, that he was walking up the aisle and planning to pledge himself to Anna. He was doing it because he wanted his dad to be proud of him. It had taken the best part of week for the bruise on his jaw to fade and his lips were still scarred. That was going to be in the wedding pictures.  
  
His dad’s standards weren’t even standards that John himself could live up to, Dean thought viciously. He talked about Dean doing the right thing but when had he ever done the right thing? He had encouraged Dean to abandon his son the way that he’d abandoned Adam. His dad had never taken responsibility for Adam, he’d missed his birth and even now he preferred to pretend that Adam didn’t exist. That was what he wanted Dean to do with his son. It was what he was planning to do as well; he didn’t want to acknowledge that he had a grandson. He’d smile and pretend and never accept that Dean had fathered a child with another man.  
  
Dean reached the front of the church and stood still, staring at his father. There was nothing Dean could do to please him. John just wanted Dean to make his mistakes, to be as angry and bitter as he was so he wouldn’t be alone. In trying to please his father, he’d hurt everyone else that was dear and close to him, including the person he loved the most – Castiel.  
  
He did love Castiel, Dean realized. He loved Castiel so much it made him sick to be away from him, to think of how he’d treated him. There was only one place he should be and it wasn’t in the church waiting to marry Anna and ruin both their lives in the process.  
  
He turned to face the congregation, smiling at them.  
  
“Hello,” he said. “And thank you all for coming today, now I have to go. The weddings off!”  
  
There was a ripple of laughter around the church, people thinking he was making some sort of joke but Dean was off and running down the aisle, ripping his tie off as he went and leaving it on the floor behind him. He could hear his dad shouting his name but he didn’t care. He kept going, charging through the doors and running straight in to Anna.  
  
She was a vision in her wedding dress, breathtakingly stunning. He couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful bride.  
  
“Dean,” she gasped. “You’re leaving? What’s happening?”  
  
“I can’t marry you,” he said, panting for breath. He didn’t have the time to give Anna the explanation he owed her, but he could give her the shortened version. “I’m sorry, Anna. I’m so sorry. I should have told you months ago. It’s Castiel. It’s always been Cas for me, Anna.”  
  
“What?” Anna looked confused. “I don’t understand. You’re leaving me for Castiel?”  
  
“Yes, I love him,” Dean said. It felt good to say those words, to tell people that it was Castiel he was in love with. It was liberating. “And Anna, he’s in labor and I need to be there. I need to be with him when my son is born.”  
  
Anna’s eyes widened. She raised her hand and for a moment Dean thought she was going to slap him. He wouldn’t have begrudged her if she did. Instead she covered her mouth with her hand, tears coming to her eyes.  
  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you like this,” Dean said softly. He truly hadn’t. He wished more than anything that he hadn’t been so stupid, that he could turn back the clock and let Anna down gently.  
  
“I don’t care. I don’t want to marry you,” Anna said, although she was shaking, tears rolling down her cheeks. “It’s just the shock, Dean. It’s shock. You should go. You need to be with him.”  
  
“You’re a better woman than I ever deserved,” Dean said and he meant it. He rushed on, past Anna and the wedding party and down the steps of the church, running out to the parking lot, ready to break the speed limit to be at Castiel’s bedside in time.  
  
**  
  
“Bastard,” Jo said. She dug around in Anna’s purse for tissues, handing them across to Anna who dabbed at her eyes. “All this time….and he even got him pregnant….bastard!”  
  
“I’m relieved,” Anna said, swallowing down the fresh swell of emotion that flared up in her chest.  
  
“You’re crying,” Jo said angrily. She lifted Anna’s veil, wiping away a stray tear from her cheek. “And you look so beautiful too. I don’t understand how he could leave you.”  
  
“I think I can understand it,” Anna said. “I was thinking of leaving him.”  
  
All the way to the church she’d thought about telling the driver to pull over and let her out. She’d been frightened of reaching the church, of making vows she didn’t think she believed in any more. She had sat in the car, pressed against Jo, knowing that she couldn’t stand in front of a minister, promising fidelity and love to Dean when she couldn’t give them to him. She couldn’t do it when Jo was standing at her side, close but too far away.  
  
“Anna,” Jo whispered. Her fingers stayed on Anna’s cheek, warm and comforting but her eyes were wide, filled with hope.  
  
“I’m not asking you to make a commitment. I don’t think I’m ready for that, but I’d like to go on a date with you,” Anna said, taking a deep breath to calm the butterflies in her stomach. “I think I’d like to see what this is.”  
  
“I think I know what this is,” Jo said, leaning in to kiss her – a soft, gentle kiss that didn’t require anything from Anna, a kiss that promised sympathy if Anna wanted it. A kiss that promised Jo would wait for her. “But we can take things as slow as you need them.”  
  
“That’s what I want,” Anna said. She knew she should be shattered, that the lies and the betrayal should be overwhelming but it was the shock that had made her cry. Now, in the quiet of the church bathrooms with Jo and nothing else, she felt like jumping for joy. She and Dean could have got a divorce, but how long would they have struggled on, fundamentally wrong for each other but denying it until they couldn’t any longer? Even if they both agreed to it, a divorce was still a long, complicated process. It was so much better it ended here, before they could do any real damage to each other.  
  
“I hope he gets to the hospital in time,” she said softly.  
  
Jo looked at her with one eyebrow raised, smiling bemusedly.  
  
“He’s right; you really are too good for him.”  
  
**  
  
Dean was probably getting a speeding ticket. He’d driven down the highway at break neck speed, determined he wouldn’t make his father’s mistakes, determined to reach Castiel in time. He couldn’t let Cas go into the operating room without knowing that Dean loved him, that he wanted a family with him and the baby. He pulled into the first parking space he saw in the hospital parking lot, jumping out and tearing in to the hospital.  
  
“Where’s maternity?” he asked, panting as he came to the reception desk.  
  
The nurse looked him up and down, only the slightest hint of interest showing on her face at the man in a the rented tux. Maybe it was a common occurrence for her. She pointed to her right.  
  
“Through that corridor, up the stairs or there’s an elevator,” she said. “Maternity is the first floor.”  
  
“Thanks,” Dean gasped, setting off again. He took the stairs, unwilling to wait for the elevator. He reached the right floor, looking around him in confusion. The he spotted another reception desk.  
  
“I’m here for Castiel Novak,” he said. “He came in today, he’s in labor. I’m the father.”  
  
He didn’t have to wait for the nurse to look up the room Castiel was in. Suddenly the corridor was filled with commotion, doctors and nurses in full hospital scrubs, surgical masks and everything, rushing by, wheeling a patient with them and Dean caught sight of the pale, far too small body in the hospital bed.  
  
“Cas!”  
  
Castiel turned his head, his eyes meeting Dean’s and his whole facing lit up. He struggled to sit up, only to be pushed down again by one of the doctors.  
  
“Dean!” he called.  
  
Dean ran to catch him up, grabbing hold of his hand and running alongside.  
  
“So this is the deadbeat dad, I’m guessing?” one of the doctors said from the other side of Castiel’s bed.  
  
“Meg, that’s my brother,” the doctor nearest to him said and Dean realized that under the surgical scrubs and the mask, it was Adam.  
  
“I’m the dad,” he clarified, not even bothering to deny that he’d been a bastard up until that point. What he did now was the important part. “What’s happening? Cas, are you okay?”  
  
“I had an epidural half an hour ago. They’re ready to do the C-section now,” Castiel said, looking up at him with an odd, dreamy smile on his face. “You’re really here, aren’t you? This isn’t a dream because of the painkillers.”  
  
“I’m here, Cas. I’m here and I’m never leaving again.”  
  
“Are you married?” Castiel asked. “I can’t do this again Dean, not if you’re married. I can’t.”  
  
“I’m not married, Cas. I called it off,” Dean said. He didn’t want to have this conversation sounded by strangers or in front of Adam. He wanted to be able to talk to Castiel in private, to tell him everything but that wasn’t the choice he had now. “I love you.”  
  
Castiel stared up at him, looking uncertain and then, slowly, the uncertainty vanished.  
  
“Can Dean come with us?” Castiel asked the doctor at his side, the one Adam had called Meg. She looked up at Dean, her eyes – the only part of her face he could see – hard and cold but she nodded.  
  
“Get washed up and into a set a scrubs,” she said. “One of the nurses will help you. Don’t dawdle. We need to get this baby out now.”  
  
There was a hand on Dean’s arm, gently guiding and he regretfully let go of Cas’s hand, watching the bed sail away down the corridor, heading for the operating theatre.  
  
“He’s going to be okay, isn’t he?” he asked, feeling a sharp stab in his gut. If something happened to Castiel or the baby he’d never forgive himself. It would be Dean’s fault for playing with Cas’s heart, for putting him under all that strain when he should have made things easier for Cas, should have taken care of him.  
  
“If anything’s wrong, Dr Masters can have the baby out in five minutes,” the nurse at his elbow told him, showing him into a small room with a sink on one side and surgical gowns hanging along the wall on the other. “She’s the best there is.”  
  
Dean washed his hands quickly with the hottest water he could stand, lathering his hands up with soap. He dried his hands and let the nurse help him slip in to the hospital gown. He had to wear a hat to cover his hair and a mask over his face.  
  
“It’s a sterile room. We need to reduce the risk of infection,” the nurse said. Dean nodded dumbly. He hadn’t even thought about what would happen to Castiel when the baby was born. He knew vaguely that it would need to be cut out of him, that Castiel couldn’t give birth the way a woman could but he hadn’t thought about what that actually meant. He hadn’t thought about the fact that Castiel was going to have to have surgery. There would be a scar, a constant physical reminder of what Castiel went through to have his baby. Castiel was in that operating room now, being cut open and Dean wasn’t with him.  
  
“I need to be with him,” he said desperately.  
  
The nurse looked at him sympathetically.  
  
“Come on,” she said, leading him through the labyrinth of hospital corridors, towards the operating room. She pushed the door open, ushering him in quickly in front of her. The room was abuzz with people working, bending over the lower half of Castiel’s body. The nurse pulled Dean away from where they were working, to the top of the operating table. There was a screen separating Castiel from what was happening to his body. His eyes were open though and he smiled when he saw Dean, reaching out a hand for him.  
  
“Can you really not feel anything?” Dean asked, grabbing hold of Castiel’s hand.  
  
“Nothing,” Castiel said, still smiling. “He’s going to be fine, isn’t he? The baby?”  
  
“Of course he is,” Dean said. He didn’t know if that was true. He didn’t know anything about the baby’s health. He hadn’t been there when he should have been. He hadn’t gone to Castiel’s doctor’s appointments, he hadn’t read any books about pregnancy, especially not on pregnant men. He didn’t even know the basics. Anything could be happening, the baby could be in real danger and Dean wouldn’t know.  
  
He stroked Castiel’s face, brushing his sweaty hair back from his forehead. Had the doctors been rushing because there was a problem or had they simply needed to get Castiel into the operating room as soon as the anaesthetic they’d given him took affect? Dean didn’t know. He didn’t know anything.  
  
He couldn’t ask the doctors what was going on. He couldn’t worry Cas and asking what was going on would only alarm Cas. Castiel was already nervous, already asking him things were going to be okay and Dean could hear machines beeping all around them. Some of them would be measuring Castiel’s heart rate. If Castiel got stressed then what would happen? Could that hurt the baby? He needed to keep Castiel calm and keep him safe. Whatever was happening Castiel had to be his priority.  
  
He bent over, kissing Castiel’s forehead. The doctors had probably done hundreds of these procedures, between them they’d have managed to deliver any number of healthy babies. But there would have been a number, however small, of babies who weren’t healthy.  
  
Dean found himself praying that Castiel and their baby would be safe. He didn’t pray often and today had been the first time he’d been in a church in years but now he prayed, begging a god he thought indifferent or non-existent to make sure that everything was alright. It was the only thing he could do. He had to rely on the doctors’ skill.  
  
The seconds stretched into minutes and nothing had ever felt so long in Dean’s life. He was helpless, out of his depth and floundering. Something had to be wrong, he thought. The nurse had said it would only take few minutes to get the baby out but to Dean it felt like twenty, maybe even thirty minutes since they’d entered the room. The doctors were whispering to each other, Castiel kept looking at him, waiting for him to tell him something and Dean could only think that God was punishing him. Dean had had his chance, he had had the family he wanted but he’d been selfish and now they were going to be taken from him.  
  
He clutched Castiel’s hand tightly, his prayers now desperate.  
  
A cry broke the air and Dean laughed in relief. That was his son, his baby screaming his lungs out.  
  
“Cas, he’s fine. Our baby’s fine,” he whispered, kissing Castiel’s cheek, his eyes, his nose, every inch of Castiel’s face he could reach. Their baby was crying. He was alive and he was making a noise and Dean knew that was a good thing. He hadn’t been punished, he hadn’t lost them. He had his chance and his family.  
  
Someone tapped on his shoulder and Dean turned to see the nurse who’d brought him in. She had a bundle in her arms, wrapped in a blue baby blanket.  
  
“I thought that you might want to hold him,” she said.  
  
Dean took the baby carefully, looking down at his small, screwed up little face. He was red and tiny, opening his mouth up to scream again. Dean jogged him up and down in his arms, trying to stop him from cry. He wanted the baby to know he didn’t have to cry. Dean was going to stay; he was going to be there every day, being his dad, taking care of him and Cas. He was going to be there on the first day of school, at his graduation, at his wedding day and he was going to be there with Cas at his side. He was going to be the father that his dad never could be.  
  
The baby quieted, looking up at him, his eyes as stupidly blue as Cas’s and Dean had read somewhere that most babies had blue eyes when they were born, but these were too blue, too bright to be anything other than genetic.  
  
“Look, Cas, look at him,” he said, bending down so he could place the baby in Castiel’s arms. “Is it Jimmy? Is that what he’s called?”  
  
Castiel held the little bundle to his chest, his fingers trembling.  
  
“Jimmy,” he said. “His name is Jimmy.”  
  
**  
  
Dean drove home from the hospital, unable to believe that everything wasn’t a dream.  
  
He still couldn’t believe that he’d walked out of his own wedding, but more than that, he couldn’t believe that he was now a father. Castiel had given birth to the most beautiful baby boy Dean had ever seen and he was still buzzing with joy.  
  
Castiel was falling asleep in the passenger seat. The doctors had checked him over, checked his stitches, prescribed him painkillers and Castiel had been confirmed fit and able to go home after a day of observation.  It had been the longest 24 hours of Dean’s life until they gave Castiel the all-clear to head home.  
  
Dean had popped out of the hospital for an hour, just long enough to buy a carry-cot for Jimmy and fit it in the backseat. He’d known he was going to be the person taking Castiel and their son home.  
  
As it was, Castiel had been discharged late in the evening and Dean couldn’t wait to get him home.  
  
There was a room set up for Jimmy. There were soft toys, nappies and everything else Castiel could need but Dean didn’t want to take them back to Castiel’s apartment. He didn’t want to just drop them off.  
  
His own house was set up for Dean to bring home a new bride but Castiel was the only bride, or husband, or whatever anyone wanted to call him that Dean would ever need. Dean wanted to carry Castiel across the threshold and he wanted to bring Jimmy in after him. They were his family. He wanted them in his home. He should have painted the spare room, should have moved all the furniture Castiel brought into the spare room and made it Jimmy’s room. He should have made his bedroom the room he shared with Castiel.  
  
Dean had the chance to make up for those mistakes now. He was taking his family home with him.  
  
As he turned down the lane that led to his house. Castiel made a soft noise, opening his eyes and looked around.  
  
“Where are we going?” he asked sleepily.  
  
“I’m taking you home,” Dean said. “I’m taking you to my house.”  
  
“Oh,” Castiel said, his eyes growing wide.  
  
Dean had never taken Castiel home with him. He’d always gone to Castiel’s apartment, kept a distinct separation between Castiel and the rest of his life. Dean’s house had been off limits to Castiel but Dean was changing that now. There were no more boundaries, no more places Castiel wasn’t allowed. Dean wanted Castiel in every part of his life.    
  
He pulled up in front of the house, parking up and looked up at the house.  
  
There were lights on downstairs. When Dean had driven off in the morning, there had been balloons and bunting decorating the front of the house. Someone had pulled all of that down. It littered the front lawn now, the balloons popped and the bunting torn to pieces.  
  
Dean sighed. He’d known things weren’t going to be simple. He couldn’t just walk out on his own wedding and expect everyone to be okay with that. Dean knew it wouldn’t have been Anna who’d smashed things up. She understood and she’d let him go with her blessing. Dean had a feeling that the person who’d torn everything down was the person who’d been hurt most by the fact that Dean hadn’t followed the plan like he was supposed to – his father.  
  
Dean swallowed, glancing at Castiel and then into the backseat, looking at baby Jimmy.  
  
His father was probably in the house, waiting for Dean to explain himself. Dean almost wanted to start the car up again and keep driving but he wouldn’t run away from this fight. Jimmy and Castiel were too precious. Dean had one last demon to slay before he could say that he had really changed. He had to stand up to his dad one final time.  
  
“Come on, let’s get you to bed,” he said to Castiel, smiling at him.  
  
He got out of the car and opened the back door, unclipping Jimmy from his car seat. His heart skipped a beat as he picked up his son. Jimmy was so tiny, so fragile and Dean felt the most immense swell of responsibility wash over him. He had to keep Jimmy safe. He had to look after this little boy and prove to be the father he deserved.  
  
He cradled Jimmy in his arms and shut his door, heading around to the other side of the car to open Castiel’s door for him. Castiel looked up at him, smiling softly. He took Dean’s offered hand and let Dean help him out of the car. He leant against him and slowly they made their way to the front door. Dean knew each step had to hurt Castiel. Even if he was on painkillers, he’d still feel sore. Dean didn’t want to rush him or push him. The last thing he wanted was Castiel to be in more pain.  
  
Dean pushed the front door open. Out of the corner of his eye he could see a light on in the kitchen and he knew his dad was probably in there, waiting for Dean, along with all the food that had been ordered for the wedding party that never happened. He was in there with all the alcohol too.  
  
Dean wasn’t going to think about that. His father was a secondary concern, coming a long way after ensuring that Castiel and Jimmy were comfortable and safe.  
  
“Come on, upstairs,” he said to Castiel, urging him to climb the stairs. Castiel gripped the rail, dragging himself slowly up the stairs and Dean followed him, ready to catch Castiel if he fell.  
  
They made it to Dean’s bedroom and Castiel collapsed on to the bed. He made an attempt to pull off his shirt then gave up.  
  
“I’m too tired,” he mumbled.  
  
“Go to sleep,” Dean said, bending to kiss his forehead. “I’ll put Jimmy to bed.”  
  
Castiel smiled dozily, reaching out to stroke his fingers over Jimmy’s little hand.  
  
“You love him, don’t you?” he asked Dean softly.  
  
“Yeah, I love him, Cas. He’s perfect.”  
  
Castiel’s smile grew wider. He closed his eyes and Dean watched him as he fell asleep. He was so beautiful. Dean loved him so much. He couldn’t believe he’d nearly made the wrong choice and lost Castiel forever. He would have lost Jimmy too and that would have been the biggest regret of Dean’s life.  
  
He looked down at Jimmy. His son seemed to be falling asleep too. Dean didn’t have a cot to put him in but he settled Jimmy down on the bed beside Castiel and hurried to fix somewhere for Jimmy to sleep in. He grabbed a drawer from his dresser, pulling it free. He tossed out the clothes inside it and looked for soft sweaters to fill it with. He wanted his baby to be comfortable.  
  
Once he was convinced that the makeshift cot was what he wanted, he picked Jimmy up from the bed, holding him close for a moment and pressing his nose to the top of his baby’s head, breathing in the clean, pure scent of his son. Dean knew he was torturing himself, remind himself constantly that he had almost missed this moment, but he felt he had to. He had to remind himself every moment that he was lucky.  
  
He settled Jimmy in the drawer, wondering if it really would be okay to leave him and Castiel for just a moment. He didn’t want to leave them but he couldn’t put off the confrontation he knew was coming any longer. To keep Castiel and Jimmy safe, he needed to go downstairs and face his dad.  
  
With every step on the stairs, his determination grew.  
  
Dean pushed open the door to the kitchen and took in the scene. His dad was sat at the kitchen table, exactly like he’d been the night when he’d convinced Dean to leave Castiel, the night when he’d hit Dean. He had a bottle of scotch in front of him, already half-empty and a glass in his hand. Dean swallowed. This time he was going to stand his ground. This time, if his dad hit him, Dean was going to hit him back.  
  
“Your grandson’s upstairs,” he said. “His name is Jimmy. When you’ve sobered up, you can see him, if you want.”  
  
It was an olive branch. Dean was willing to forgive and forget. He was willing to start again, if his dad was.  
  
John grunted, raising his glass and taking another gulp.  
  
Dean gritted his teeth.  
  
“You can be a part of our lives, but you have to stop drinking. I don’t want you around Jimmy if you’re drunk. I’m not having him grow up afraid of you.”  
  
“You don’t get to give me orders, Dean,” John growled.  
  
Dean slammed his hand down on the table.  
  
“Yes I do, because you’re in my house and it's my son we’re talking about.”  
  
John looked up at the ceiling.  
  
“Is he here too?” he sneered. “Castiel?”  
  
Dean took a deep breath. “Cas is here. You’ll have to get used to that too. I love him, dad, and I nearly lost him because I listened to you. If you want to be a part of my life and a part of Jimmy’s life, you need to accept Castiel.”  
  
John pushed his chair back, getting unsteadily to his feet. He crossed the room, standing in front of Dean, swaying back and forth gently. His reeked of booze. Dean didn’t think the scotch was even the first thing he’d had to drink. He’d probably crawled into a bar before he came here, probably got himself liquored up before he came home and tore down all the decorations.  
  
“I will never accept him,” he hissed. “He ruined you. You were normal before him.”  
  
“I’m still normal,” Dean ground out from between gritted teeth. “You’re the one who’s messed up.”  
  
John looked at him in disgust. He shoved Dean away from him and left the kitchen. Dean held his breath, sighing as he heard the front door open and then slam. He stepped out into the hallway, waiting to feel guilty. Before he would have run after his dad, he would have begged him to stay and tried to find a compromise but Dean knew there couldn’t be a compromise this time. Castiel and Jimmy were too important to him. Dean couldn’t compromise on their safety and happiness.  
  
He climbed the stairs, still waiting for the pain to come but all he felt was relief.  
  
He reached his bedroom door and pushed it open, standing there for a moment just to take in the sight. Castiel was fast asleep, snoring softly and hugging the nearest pillow tightly. Dean closed his eyes, wanting to remember exactly how Castiel looked at that moment for the rest of his life. When they were both old, he wanted to be able to shut his eyes and be transported right back to this moment – the night they bought his son home.  
  
This was the start of their lives together.  
  
Dean opened his eyes and stepped into the room, checking on Jimmy but his son was fast asleep also. He’d probably wake up in a few hours and demand feeding or changing. Dean smiled down at him and, sure that Jimmy was fine, crawled onto the bed next to Castiel. He lay there next to him, listening to Castiel’s snoring and the soft little snuffling noises Jimmy made. For the first time in his life, Dean felt completely content.  
  
This was the start of a new chapter in his life, the part where Dean turned over a new leaf and became the person he had always wanted to be. He wouldn’t hide any more. He wouldn’t do that to Jimmy and Castiel. He would be there when they needed him and every other day in between.  
  
His family was all he wanted now. He didn’t care about other people’s opinion, only theirs.  
  
Dean reached out, lacing his fingers with Castiel’s.  
  
It had taken him a long time to realize just where his heart lay, but he’d been blessed with a second chance and this time, Dean knew he was going to make things work.  
  
**  
  
 **Epilogue:**  
  
“Hold the camera steady!”  
  
“Are you sure you should be do that at all? Shouldn’t you be resting,” Dean said, frowning at Adam who was kneeling on the floor, camera in hand, waiting to get a picture of his nephew. Castiel sat with Jimmy in his lap, smiling down at the little boy who kept insisting on pulling off his socks.  
  
“I’m three months pregnant, Dean. I’m fine,” Adam said, rolling his eyes and waving the camera.  
  
“Michael?”  
  
“I take a doctor’s advice on this,” Michael said, bending to kiss the top of Adam’s head. He stroked his hand over Adam’s shoulder, his wedding ring catching the light. It still seemed odd to Dean to think that they were married. It had been five months and he still hadn’t fully taken it in. It had been a wedding for all the right reasons though, a wedding for two people who were deeply in love. There was a picture over the fire place of them all, little Jimmy in his first suit, Dean with his arm around Castiel, Adam and Michael so proud and happy. Everyone had been there, everyone but their father.  
  
He wouldn’t be coming today either. Dean hadn’t seen him since the night he’d driven Castiel and Jimmy home from the hospital  
  
He’d offered his father a chance to be a part of their lives and John had chosen to leave. Dean had felt nothing but relief when he walked away. He’d expected to feel bereft but that never happened. He’d gone upstairs, lain down on the bed besides Castiel and when he woke up in the morning his new life had started.  
  
Juggling a new born baby and Castiel who had to stay on bed rest hadn’t been easy. Sam and Gabriel had become invaluable, bringing furniture back and forth, turning the spare room into the nursery Dean had built. Then quietly, unobtrusively, Sam had moved himself out and into Castiel’s vacated apartment with Gabriel.  Dean wondered how long he’d been waiting to do that, to go off and make his own life.  
  
Things had been hard at first. It took time for Castiel to trust him, to know that Dean was coming back at the end of the day. Dean had also had to avoid the wrath of Castiel extended family, especially Michael, when the true circumstances of Jimmy’s paternity were revealed. For a time Dean had thought that nothing was ever going to be simple or easy again. He’d almost lost his job he’d had to take so much time off in the first few weeks after Jimmy’s birth. Things got easier though, tempers cooled, Dean came home every day, right on time and slowly Castiel learned to trust him again.  
  
Jimmy grew from a tiny baby into a dexterous, adventurous one year old whose two ambitions in life seemed to be to learn to walk and to live a life without socks. He looked so much like Cas that it sometimes took Dean’s breath away. He had the same dark hair, the same wide blue eyes. He was going to grow up to be the spitting image of Castiel except for the smattering of freckles across his nose and cheeks that showed he was undoubtedly Dean’s.  
  
The doorbell rang suddenly and Jimmy threw his sock in the air, squealing in delight. Dean was pulled back from memory to the present day and to the fact that guests were arriving.  
  
There were footsteps in the hallway and then Gabriel appeared, Sam fallowing him.  
  
“I got cake!” he exclaimed, holding out a big, beautifully iced blue birthday cake. “I made it myself.”  
  
“He did, he was swearing all morning,” Sam said, grinning. He reached out for Dean, wrapping his arms around him in a hug that lasted for a long moment and Dean hugged him back. There’d been a time when he’d thought Sam would never want to hug him again but he’d underestimated Sam and his willingness to forgive. Gabriel disappeared into the kitchen, shouting over his shoulder about getting the cake ready. There was another ring at the door and another squeal from Jimmy.  
  
“He still likes loud noises?” a voice called from the front door. Meg appeared in the hallway, holding a stuffed toy in her hands. Dean still didn’t know how she’d made the jump from Castiel’s specialist to a family friend but she had. She’d visited after Castiel came out of hospital to check his recovery and make sure Jimmy was growing the way he was supposed to, then she’d just come to hang out. Now she was Adam’s specialist and Dean didn’t see him getting rid of her any time soon.  
  
“Yeah, he laughs like crazy when I take him out in the car,” Dean said, taking the toy from her, surprised at how cute and cuddly it was. Not the sort of gift he would have expected from Meg but he knew she had a soft spot for Castiel. It was hard not to. Sam had found a seat on the couch beside Michael, the two of them talking in hushed tones. More guests arrived, Chuck and Becky, Garth, and finally Anna and Jo, each of them bringing gifts and warm smiles.  
  
Dean didn’t know how he’d managed to keep Jo and Anna as friends. He’d even been stupidly, irrationally jealous when he found out they were dating and that it had started before he and Anna had broken up. It was ridiculous and hypocritical considering everything he’d done with Castiel, all of the sneaking around, but Dean had still felt it. It hadn’t taken him too long to get over it though, just as long as it took for him to come home to Castiel and Jimmy, then any jealousy he’d felt had died a quick and painless death.  
  
He had the only life he wanted, a life with the man he loved and their son. He had nearly lost them and all because of his own stupidity. If he hadn’t been so afraid, so unsure about himself and what he wanted, unable to face up to the fact that it had been Castiel and always Castiel, then they could have had this so much sooner. He was so glad he’d realized before he made the biggest mistake of his life.  
  
He had almost missed out on all of this, of seeing his son grow up, of going to bed with Castiel at night and waking up curled around him in the morning. He would have let them drift away, let his friends drift away. He would have missed out on this, his son’s first birthday part. Everyone who mattered to him was there, everyone except his father and that was John Winchester’s loss. He’d been too blinded by his own hate to see what he was missing out on, the most wonderful thing he could have had in his life – love.  
  
Dean was so grateful that Castiel had forgiven him, that he’d given him the second chance Dean hadn’t deserved. He woke up every day thankful that Castiel loved him.  
  
“I want a picture with Dean too,” Castiel said, holding his hand out and beckoning Dean. Dean slid down next him, grabbing one of Jimmy’s discarded socks.  
  
“He really doesn’t like these, does he?” he asked, carefully rolling the sock back on to Jimmy’s foot as Jimmy kicked and wiggled his toes, trying to keep it off.  
  
“I think he’d be happiest if he could run around naked,” Castiel said, passing Jimmy over to Dean to hold. He wrapped his arms around Dean, leaning against him. “Take a picture quick, Adam, before he gets them off again.”  
  
Adam grinned, snapping a quick picture. Two seconds after the flash went off Jimmy tore off his socks again, laughing uproariously.  
  
“He takes after you,” Castiel said, nuzzling against Dean’s cheek.  
  
“I’m wearing clothes,” Dean protested.  
  
“Only because we have guests,” Castiel said, smiling.  
  
“Ta da!” Gabriel called. He returned from the kitchen, carrying the cake now covered in candles. They all sang happy birthday and Dean held Jimmy up, pretending that he was the one blowing out the candles while helping him surreptitiously. Gabriel had brought a knife with him from the kitchen and he cut the cake into squares, passing them around the guests.  
  
The cake, as promised, was delicious.  
  
The frosting tasted even better when licked from the corner of Castiel’s mouth.  
  
 **  
**

 

 


End file.
